it's ok to have a bad honey, just don't let your mind wonder away too much that you are setting up excuses for you to have an A of your own, they dont' "just happen", the person allows it to happen when they see they are going down a path of destruction and willingly keep on going downhill. That just can not be you, YOU are stronger than that, don't you forget that, you are much better than ow, don't you even for a second wonder about lowering yourself that way.
I know you are depressed, and we all here have to allow ourselves a little pity party, but remember, dont' trust every feeling/thought you have right now and think that's how it's going to be from now on.
Funny thing is, it is my H who had the A who now always says he can't trust anyone, since he's seen how much he's messed up he can't believe in anyone now. It took me a while to begin to trust my M, I'm by no means saying I trust him 100, but I have a base, and I know it will take time and BOTH of us to commit to work on our M to trust each other more.
I too have had my weeks in which I rehash and disect every little piece of info about the ow, when the cow prob has forgotten all about my H long ago and here I am, suffering from self-inflicted wounds. They arent worth our time hon, remember, they ops are just desperate patches for miserable souls.
Quote: not to hurt me again, but I cannot trust he will be there for me in a crisis
Of course by now we've learned that nothing is guaranteed, as we've all seen and felt, so don't punish yourself w/these thoughts, what counts is what you give, that you love as if you haven't been hurt, that you give your all into the M and know that no matter what happens you will always have the knowledge that you fought for your M and that you were true to your vows.
We can only change us; when my H came back he told me if the sitches were reversed he couldnt' forgive me, will he be there for me in a crisis? I hope so, and if he isn't, I have learned enough through the hell of separation and limbo to know that I will be alright, with or without him.
I pray tomorrow brings you a better day, that you decide to be happy for the day no matter what. Now go shopping, Macy's has an awesome sale, and there is nothing like new stuff to lift the spirits
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes, I will admit to having several bad days lately. Part of the problem is that when my H is away on business my mind starts to wander. He's been on three week-long business trips in the past month and a half.
Anyway, thinks are going OK, but I guess that's just not good enough for me. I kinda feel like he expects changes in me (and rightly so) but deep down he still feels as if he is the wronged spouse and that he doesn't need to change.
When he gets back from his business trip I'm going to have to sit him down and explain that I am feeling like a WAW. Three years ago, before his As, I almost walked away and seriously thought about having an A. I didn't then, and I'm not going to now. But, he's going to have to take my feelings seriously.
What I really want is for him to pay attention to me, to make me important and to start living our life together. Part of that also means starting a family. Most people on these boards already have kids. My H and I do not. I'm 33 now and as I want more than one kid, we need to get cracking. A large part of our M problems stem from the death of my H's dad. The last thing I want is for us to be old parents and for my future daughter- and son-in-laws to have to go through the same thing I did when my H's dad died.
On a positive note, after dragging his feet, my H did go with me to see my family on Thanksgiving. My whole family hadn't been together in over a year and we won't all be together for Christmas so it was important to me that my H come. Initially he didn't want to go because he only had a couple days of rest between business trips. He also didn't want to say, but he was scared to see my family even though only my two sisters know about his As. In the end we had a good time and my family was happy to see him.
boy do I relate, my H is only with me for 2.5 days due to job training, as he is about to leave I already get the blues.
I'll play devil's advocate here for a while. Even after my H left and after months of me realizing how much of a witch I was being there was much to learn. AFter he came back, during our Cs, as we started dealing our issues as a couple I came out as abrassive. I almost jumped at any thing I didnt'agree w/my H, there were still many things I had to learn.
I just posted about this book "the proper care and feeding of Hs" I really, really want you to get it today, I had no idea it talked so much about what leads many men to As and how we women alianate our men. I started remembering the few times my H dared to open up and tell me "you treat your family and friends better than me" and I'll be all like "NO I DO NOT!!"... and now that i think back, I did have him in the lowest step of my ladder.
Though I do agree w/you that you guys should talk and that you should be able to tell him that you don't feel right. Explain how exactly, you want him to make you feel important, I had to explain my H how I wanted him to make me feel better when I get the blues, he frankly had no idea what would make me feel better, and was surprised that just him holding me would make me feel alright.
As you bring up the baby, make sure you bring it up lovingly, don't go "my cousing Vinnie" on me (picture Marissa Tomei stomping "my biological clock is ticking!!)
I'm glad you had a good Tksgiving together, my H also felt funny last year coming to my family's (only a sister knew abour him leaving, no one knows about his A).
Being alone does put loads of crap in one's head, fill your nights and spare time w/projects and good books, get the book I suggested, get "how to heal the hurt in your marriage" another wonderful wonderful book that got me out of my funks.
Over all, please slow down and give it time ok? count all the blessings, he is w/you now. Don't despair, give yourself permission to feel bad but don't wallow on negative thoughts.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Of course you're right. I hate it when other people are right.
Oh, and we've already had baby discussions. I had to tell him I stopped taking the pill. I also didn't want him to think he could come back partially and not be fully committed, like he was after his first A.
Anyway, thinking of why men cheat reminds me of Moonstruck. There's a scene where the mom, (Olympia Dukakis) asks why men cheat. The answer, "maybe because they fear death." I sometimes wonder if this really isn't so far from the truth, particularly as my H first went off the deep end right before his dad died.
I'm also realizing I have a lot of anger toward my H relating to his refusal to grow up and be responsible. For as long as I've known him I've always had to be the one to make sure things were done, bills were paid, vacations were planned. The only thing he ever planned for us was our wedding when we eloped.
While I scrimp and save he feels free to spend as much money as he wants, and plans vacations with his friends. It doesn't help that if I tell him we don't have money for something he will ask his mother for money, which she puts into an account I cannot access.
It is not just my perception that he places others before me. It is reality. He can tell me I'm more important, but, frankly, words are meaningless when actions tell otherwise. He has gone on trips with his friends every year and has not planned a single vacation with me. Also, several times I've planned trips for us, at the last minute he's refused to go.
I've pretty much made up my mind that if he doesn't pull himself together by the end of the year I'm going to file for D. We will have been living apart for a year and I can file a no-fault D.
I know the things I've done wrong, made an effort to let him know he's appreciated and loved and let go of some the the petty things I obsess over. Now it's time for him to decide what scares him more, growing up or living without me.
wow, w/that kind of mother no wonder he isnt' growing up jeez!
What if you were to talk to him and have him be responsible to pay some of the bills, do you think he'd do it? just so he knows that there are actual expences to worry about?
When you plan a vacation, do you do it all on your own or do you include him? Still there is no excuse for him to go on vacation without you. Have you out and out told him how his vacations make you feel?
He does need to do some growing up, I pray that you have the patience to wait and to know when enough is enough.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Sad day today. My MIL's 19-year-old cat, (my H's childhood pet) had to be put to sleep. After my H called to tell me about it, he suggested I call his mum. It was very weird to talk to her after all this time, especially since our relationship has never been very good. I guess this is a positive step forward, my H suggesting I call his mum.
Just yesterday I suggested to my H that his mum come over in the new year. I kinda feel like she needs to come here (it would only be the third time in 9 years) before I'm going to feel comfortable going there (England) again. He replied that the cat was on her last legs so he didn't think she'd want to make the trip. I said the date I was proposing was months away so it was premature to worry about the timing.
Fortunately the vet was able to come to my MIL's house to put her down, so the cat didn't have the added trauma. Tomorrow they're going to bury her in the garden.
What would we all do without our pets? I don't know how I would have survived the past year w/out my two cats.
Even though my H refuses to move his stuff home and makes a point of bringing home every single little thing (down to hairbands) that I leave at his place, we are now at the point where we pretty much see each other every day, and spend every night together.
Here's my problem: For the past year I have wanted him to come home and for us to live like a family again but now that I have it (more or less despite my complaining on these boards) I almost feel a little let down. I can't remember what normal is supposed to be. I can't remember how we used to spend our nights after work. Did we just eat and then go to sleep for the night? Was that all I was waiting for all these months?
Part of the problem is that before things went bad, I was working full-time as a reporter and that meant a very unpredictable work schedule. It meant that my H was alone during the day (he worked in an office by himself) and then came home and was alone while I was still at work. Now I am the one working at home and he has a new job that requires him to travel to Europe frequently and to stay late at work.
Am I missing something here? Am I expecting too much? Or am I just so used to being stressed out all the time that the normal, everyday things bore me?
Quote: Did we just eat and then go to sleep for the night? Was that all I was waiting for all these months?
Those normal every day things are part of our lives, the mundane things that you now get to do together are something you did want when he was away, one just forgets how awful it was before they came back.
Just being together, in the same house and knowing he wants to be w/me warms me up, of course sometimes I did expect him to do more, anything, since I missed him so much I wanted to make up for it, but then I took a deep breath and enjoyed what I had: him.
It does take a while to get used to have the person back, after all, for the longest time it's like you were always alone.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
As I reread my last post I realize I'm complaining about what so many people want. What I'm trying to convey is this: It's been so long since my H and I have both been together for dinner I just can't remember what normal was like. For that matter I'm not sure if we ever really had normal so I kinda feel like I'm in uncharted territory.
On Sunday morning my H wanted to lie in bed and read/take a nap but I felt like watching a movie on TV. When he found out that I ended up taking a nap on the couch he was mad and asked why he was even at our apartment. Trying to find a balance of together and alone time is much harder than I thought it would be.
Later that night as I was standing by the elevators in our building on my way to work and I noticed how beautiful the sky looked. I walked back to our apartment and told him to come look. He said no cause he was in boxers and a t-shirt. When I suggested he just take a quick look he started screaming at me. I was still pissed when I left work later that evening and considered not bringing him a pizza (I work at a restaurant). Then I realized that I was rewarding/punishing my H with food and was disgusted with myself and took a mental note not to ever treat my H that way again.
Of course when I arrived, pizza in hand, my H immediately apologized for shouting and we both acknowledged that one of us should have suggested he throw pants on and then look at the sky. In the past we would have both stood our ground and licked our wounds. By his simple apology we ended up having a nice night together. So I guess we are slowly learning.
as gh would say, it is a journey, not a destination, so dont' beat yourself about your venting, it is a hard recovery road.
I so was like that too, the punishing part, I'd do the silent treatment too. But it is nice to find out that when we hold our tongues/punishments our Hs come through for us. My H is doing so many nice things for me that before he woudlnt' have or would've whined, he helps me w/the kids and chores happily. Our attitudes help so much! Before, if I wanted him to vacuum I'd say "I've been cleanign the whole house and you are at the computer, why dont you at least vacuum, this place is a mess, etc etc" he'd groan and complain and I'd argue back..nice. Yesterday I asked him "would you be a dear and vacuum the basement?" He said OK and did it, without any grief, he even does things for me without asking
Hang in there, it will get better each time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
jeez!