Later this week will mark one year since I found about my H's first A. I must say that even though things between us are not where I had hoped they'd be by now, our M is in a far better place than it was a year ago.
We are finally at the point where we are back to where we started. That is to say we are able to get back to the things that caused our M to break apart--so I guess this is where the real work of putting a marriage back together lies.
Over the weekend I found out my H bought an expensive new coat, one that I also happen to think is ugly. This purchase was on the heels of him buying two expensive pairs of shoes and another new coat. I was already in a bad mood, and when saw the new coat I flipped out.
For a long time in our M, my H has thought it was OK for him to spend a lot of money buying nice things for himself despite us being in major debt. I've always resented the fact that while I had to scrimp and save and do without, he felt entitled to squander any surplus in our shared resources. It always made me feel like he thought he was more important and that I didn't matter.
So this coat brought up old issues and my H and I quickly fell into our old argument pattern--me yelling at him and my H getting all defensive and saying I have no say in what he does.
When we went to bed I thought I had made a terrible decision to keep working on our M. In the morning I snuggled up with him in bed and decided it was something we would need to work on, not something worth ending a marriage.
Later I told him why I was mad and then said I wanted to hear what he thought. Usually he would say nothing and I would start talking again. This time I forced myself to bite my tongue and let him talk. Each time he stopped I asked if there was anything more and he actually had more to say. Mostly he said he felt unappreciated and that I didn't give him any credit for the sacrificed he has made. After he finally finished I told him that I was wrong to get mad about the coat and that I do appreciate everything he has done for us.
I told him it I was really mainly mad about what the coat represents and promised to make more of an effort to appreciate him if he made more of an effort to make me feel important.
So, while we are still fighting the same old fights, for the first time, we resolved things differently. In the past, after a fight we would just act as if nothing happened, which just caused me to build up resentment. This time we actually talked about why we were mad.
Of course we STILL aren't living under the same roof or wearing our wedding rings but I guess it's all about baby steps.
