Happiness is a Choice

[cat03]

ok, I shouldn't but I'm just grinning, you made my dreams come true, of confronting OP and screaming at her how much of a whore she was. Hope she has something to think about for a while.

Ok, now I'll wipe that grin off my face, Im sorry your fear was true, I hope w/all my heart your H makes up his mind already. My H also said he was almost relived I found out about OP (when I thought it was an EA) so that he wouldnt' have to hid it from me anymore.
Wow, don't know what to say, how are you feeling right now?

[superstressed]

Cat,

It's funny, I'm pissed as he!! that the ow went to the wedding with him, but kinda glad I got to confront her. At least now she can't pretend being with my H doesn't involve hurting other people.

That said, I'm not really all that upset. I honestly don't know what my H sees in her. And, I know it's a bit shallow, but I was very happy to see that I am definitely better looking than the ow. As my H and I were walking to our car at the airport I yelled at him: "How could you, she's not even cute."

I guess right now I am completely focused on getting my H to move back in. He tried to tell me that I need to stop pushing, but I think actually I need to push harder. I mean, when we got married it was because I said, "you have these dates to choose from, pick one." I think sometimes we all need an ultimatum to finally make a decision. Mind you, if I had given him an ultimatum months ago it would not have worked.

I know he wants to come home, he's just scared that it could fail. I told him I was scared too, but sometimes things are just worth the risk.

My H has told me that he has been wanting to break things off with the ow for a while now and that he only took her to the wedding because he is "weak" in his words. He feels like he owes her something. As far as I'm concerned, she's a grown woman who knew what she was getting herself into when she started an A with my H. My H said she's pushing him to get a D. Apparently their A has been on the decline for a while and she was hoping going to the wedding with my H would be a chance to patch things up. Fat chance of that considering my H has never been faithful to her.

The thing is, I am very nearly at a point where I would be OK if my H and I parted ways--not happy but I think I could handle it--just now I don't want the ow to win.


SuperStressed

[petiteflower]

Hi there SS-

Been awhile; sorry to read about your current situation. I kind of just lurk around here now and then to see what some of the "old timers" are up too...

I'm actually writing b/c your past two entries really struck me, in a bit of an alarming way. You basically just went through the same thing I did with my H back in April/May... him wanting to come back, us starting to work things out, ML, etc. But I didn't trust him, so I confronted the OW to test him...

Yes, like you, I somewhat enjoyed it- telling her H was NOT being faithful to her, etc. Told her to look up my posts on here if she didn't believe me, to learn about H capability to lie to her... etc. Yes, I too questioned how the OW could live with being with another woman's husband, how she could call it "love" , how she could look herself in the mirror every morning knowing she helped contribute to the break up of a little boy's home, let alone the home of the little boy of the man she claims she loves. I also saw pictures of my H's OW, and, like your H's OW, she is also fugly and fat. So I totally understand how you feel about what you just went through; been there, done that.

But I also I sat there and listened to her tell me, at the ripe of age of 21, how she "loves" my 38- year old H. As she told me, she was so upset about my H lies to her about his R with me (which were revealed in Nov after I confronted both of them over the A), that she percieved that her feelings for him had moved from a FWB thing to "love"???? Whatever, right? I also found out that she was with him the night of the DUI.. all sorts of things about H's continued deciet to me (and her) since then. I listened to her tell me how H has told her he loves her (told her right after I found out about the A!) and how, unbeknownst to me at the time, she met our S4 (which of course, pissed me off to no end, to the point that I threatened to sue for full custody if she ever is in our son's prescene again) However, I'm getting off on a tagent here....

The confrontation also caused my H to percieve me as still "controlling" him. And when, depsite telling the OW about all the lies H was feeding her reagarding his R with me, she stated she STILL wanted to be with him; that absent any direct evidence that I was sleeping with him (like I took pictures, or ran a DNA test on my sheets, LOL!), she was going to continue on with him, I saw I was dealing with a completely different beast than I had percieved, and how difficult it all was going to be to truly win my H back. How truly codependent the two of them were/are with each other, as unhealthy as it is... Anyways, I digress.

It just sounds to me like you are hoping that your insults- though ligitimate- will waken the OW up and make her see the light of day. It also sounds like you are hoping that by confronting the OW, you are hoping your H will choose. I just want you to tread carefully with that hope, b/c I know from my expereince it did not work at all (I too asked H too choose after I confronted OW again), and it actually caused my H to draw closer to the OW. I know too that even when we are with our H's, they will find a way to contact the OW if they want. I tried to offer proof to the OW that H wanted me b/c he was choosing to go hiking with me and our S4, or to the airport park, and to meet up with me for drinks at night, etc., instead of being with her. And she told me H choose to be with her b/c he agreed to meet her parents and introduced our S4 to her.... So, it's kind of like a cheeseless tunnel- you can't interpret it. A H engaged in A has no rhyme or reasons to what he chooses to do; the things they do are done with no conseqence or thought for the future; only the immediacey of the moment, nothing else.

Also, it concerns me b/c your H claims he took her on the trip when he was feeling "weak". I've heard my H say the same thing about the OW when we were working things out, and even now, why he continues on with her, even after he has lost so much and now that the "excitement" is gone. He still won't call her his girlfriend (she confirmed this), even though they have been at this now for over a year and I moved out almost 5 months a ago....

Anwyays, after thinking about it for awhile, I wondered why I would want to be in a R with a man who was so weak, that he couldn't stand up for and prioritize what was good for me, our R, or our family? Did I really want to be with a man with that little willpower? Was I willing to accept his "weakness", not punish him for it, and not hold him accountable for what it really was- an excuse. A choice. It made me think that maybe the demise of my R may not be entirely my fault but rather a character weakness of my H that, without proper therepy, will always be present and will resurface again the next time he or our R is stressed.

And then I wondered why I had to wait for my H to make a choice, or OW to make a choice.. when, really, they had. They had choosen each other, and I just didn't like the choice; didn't want to accept reality, and perhaps that was MY character flaw. That my life was still all about them and not about me. So I decided that I didn't want to be controlled by the choices of others, nor to live with the fear of constant abandonment, or be with someone so morally weak, any longer. That I deserved better. I came to the realization that if I had met my H, as he is now, at this point in my life, I would not choose to get involved with him, and, marriage or no marriage, I didn't owe him anything any longer. He had made his choice, so now it was my turn to make mine. So, in the end, it wasn't about me "winning" H anymore; b/c back in April/May that is certainly how I felt, like I couldn't just stand idly by as some other women came in and took over my life. But rather, my thought process changed over this summer to me, looking at me and what I was doing, how to take back control of my life (b/c it felt like I had no control over it when I made it all about H and the OW), and of making decisions that were best for ME, regardless of the ramifications on H or a possible future R. And most of my decisions since then have moved me away from H, from his periods of negativity, bouts of depression, and constant selfishness, and forward into the future. And though H has again started making signs that he wants to work on things, I know now it's not about the OW, it's not about my H, it's about me, and what I want. And, for now, I want something better than my H can offer at the moment. So I tredge on, and, to be honest, I feel good again. I finally have some peace in my life; no more fighting, no more fears. Nothing. I am finally at peace with myself b/c nothing except me controls me now.

So I just want you to be careful..... I know how it feels in the immediate aftermath of the confrontation, when the adrenaline is still running, and it all is playing out again and again in your head, every little bit being analyzed... but once the dust settles, just make sure you are prepared mentally for whatever happens. I know I wasn't, and it devestated me for a bit....

Anyways, I hope this didn't come off too preachy and I hope it works out however is best for YOU. Just wanted you to know I was still paying attention and thought at this moment in time, I might have something beneficial to offer. Until the next time, take care of yourself,

Best Wishes,

PF

[cat03]

no, u aren't shallow. I also relish in the fact that (all modesty aside) I'm much prettier (and slimmer) that exOP, she has such a forgetable face that I can't even remember her face even though I saw so many picts of her last week!
I couldnt' believe that my H fell for someone somewhat chubby, he is always into being healthy and obsesed that I loose the baby weight I couldn't totally shed.
I'll quote Holly here "OWs aren't picked for their quality, but for their availability and their ability to whore themselves to a married man" (I love to recall this phrase)

I say this with love, hun, don't push, you can't get in his head, let's say you push hard enough and he comes back before he is ready, he needs to make the desicion to come back fully believing it's what he wants to do. When my H was away I wanted him back badly, but only if he really decided from his heart that that's what he wanted, I never convinced him, just left the door open and was a listening ear to him.

I dont' want to tell you what to do, but think very well how you approach him SS))))))

[superstressed]

OK, so maybe I am not as OK as I thought.

Right now I just want to cry. I'm kinda feeling like he knew both of us wanted to go to the wedding and he picked her. Maybe he's made his decision and I should just face facts.

I really hate him right now. I hate that I was letting myself trust him again and I really hate that I was starting to fall in love with him again.

I don't know where to go from here. I kinda feel like hibernating.


SuperStressed

[PositivelyListening]

Hi SS, I am just catching up on your sitch. I am sorry, it is so dissapointing when they just don't do the right thing, and we give them chance after chance, and it keeps looking so good, and then, they make a bad decision again, and again... So, yes. Hibernate, detach yourself. Take a trip, go out with friends, process this until you are done, done, done with the expectations you had for him. And don't see H in the mean time. Just give yourself a chance to do some healing. Your H is messed up in the head right now. He can not be counted on, and he can not be trusted. You have to take care of you now. That is it. I am sorry to say this, but from reading your posts, I think you were pushing too hard, going too fast. Your H wasn't ready, isn't ready, to come home. He has to hit a bottom, get the skunk he really is, and then choose to live a different life - beg you to reconsider ('cause you are way far away by then, having a great life without him) and believe somewhere deep inside of himself that he deserves to be loved. And YOU, need to do the work to realize that you deserve to be loved, better than what H is providing right now. It's no good if he comes home right now. You are still in charge and what needs to happen instead, is H needs to become a leader, and be the H you want because he wants to be that. He may have been good at faking it, but he didn't have his heart in it yet. He was just trying to do what you wanted, or what he was supposed to do - someone else's idea of the "right" thing to do. Back way off now. Do some stuff for yourself. Let H be begging to talk to you before you have contact. Say you're thinking things through. Make him sweat. If you're not his priority, be your own priority and make H wish he was on your list. You have been way in there, for a while. Do the 180 now - get scarce. Take care of you. Get strong, regroup. Decide what you want. Make a list of what you want. Does it describe H? Don't settle for less. H must step up to the plate. He knows what you're made of. He just needs to figure out if he's worthy, if he's up to it. Maybe he's just too comfortable being "weak" and not taking responsibility. If that's the case, this will happen again and again. My father was like this, sorry to say. His dad was a WAS, and then my father was a WAS twice. No kidding, he never got it. Let H figure it out, or let him have the OW. Just let go, detach, take care of you.

Easier said than done, I know. But that's my two cents.

[petiteflower]

Oh SS.... I know how you feel. I was exactly in the same place back in May a day or two after I confronted the OW. It took me close to a month to really get myself back to normal.

Positively Listening had some good advice, and I hope you find it benificial. I kind of agree with some of her thoughts on your sit; it still was a lot about H and OW, and not YOU. What YOU want. You have that choice. You don't have to wait around for H to make his. Ask yourself:

"If I met my H now, at this point in my life, the way he is in now, would I want him?"

It may be good for you to distance yourself, b/c if H needs help, he can only help himself. You can't do it for him. And if you stick around trying to always pick up the pieces, it gets you into a codependent state....

What is it that YOU like to do? Writing? Reading? Going out to coffee shops? Do you have many friends in the area? What about joining a professional organization? Anything, just anything to get your mind of H and intersted in a new activity... I know it certainly helped me get through the tough times this summer. I took up a painting course, bought a bunch of books, went out with friends, and joined a social networking group, just to get out and meet new people and build a new, and better, life for myself- and one that was whole independent from H. Now it feels like the sky is the limit- I can do and explore anything I want, etc. I'm actually going trying rock climbing now this weekend; something I always wanted to do but was difficult to make time for in the past due to obligations to H and family. Anyways, I know it all looks bleak now, and really, you need a bit of time to mourn everything. But also you need to heal YOURSELF too, to do those things, whatever they are, that make you feel whole and good again. And if you don't know what those things are- experriment. It's scary at first, but it gets easier every time...

Anyways, just know we're here if you need,

PF

[cat03]

oh honey, hugs))))))))))))))) the above posts hit the mark, he has to make you a priority on his own, I also was second picked when he choose to have a great trip to Vegas, he originally was going w/her (of course I didnt' find that out 'til last week) But guess what? weeks later they broke it off, and OP is out of the pict. Granted, he prob still had to get her out of his mind since he sent flowers to OP on her bday AFTER he moved in w/me (denied it 'course), someone here said that putting the OP out of the pict is very hard even to the most commited spouse who comes back.

Take a time off to yourself, you need to back away from this pict to see the whole situation from afar, do something for yourself and reclaim your freedom and peace of mind))))))))))))))))

[superstressed]

So after spending the second half of yesterday wallowing in self pity I actually feel much better today. Tired of course, but better.

Cat, Petite, PL, thanks for you words of support. It really means a lot.

I am not sure what I am going to do next in terms of things with my H. He called early this morning to let me know he still wants to get together and talk later today. I think I'm going to try and just listen to what he has to say.

As much as I want to hibernate, I don't think that is the answer. Whatever happens between my H and I has to come to a resolution soon. I don't have any more time to wait for him.

I think this whole episode just caught me off guard. My H had been showing really no signs of the ow still being a force in his life. He calls me almost every day and we have been spending a night or two together each week. Also, we had been in discussions about when he would be moving back in. Not if, mind you, but when.

So to find that he took her to the wedding and is still calling her on a regular basis really was not something I was prepared to have to face.

And, for what it's worth, I really have spent the summer GAL. I took a metal sculpture class; I've redecorated much of our apartment; and I started a part-time job. I was hoping to take a grad class but I really can't afford it if my H doesn't move back in which is another thing that pisses me off.

PL, I think my H hit pretty close to bottom while he was traveling on a month-long business trip back in May. He told me that when he was feeling lonely and lost and short of money the person he thought of was me.

Just before he left for the trip was really a turning point for us. I finally decided that I would be OK without him and brought him divorce papers for him to sign. He, of course, refused to sign them even though he had been pushing for a D. Since he has been back our R has really been improving by leaps and bounds--I can see he has returned to being the man I fell in love with and I think I am back to being the woman he first loved.

So I guess that's what really sucks. I can see he wants to put our M together but he just keeps putting obstacles in the way.

Would I fall in love with him if I met him now? . . . I'm not sure if I can answer that question. My H and I have really grown together over the past nine years so it's hard to know who I would be without him if that makes any sense. I think we both have taught each other a lot and opened each other's eyes to experiences we wouldn't otherwise have had.

In many ways he isn't my type and I probably am not his type. But I do know that when I first met him, just being around him made me happy (and this still holds true.) When I see him across the room my heart still jumps and we can't help but smile a goofy smile at each other.

We never had an opportunity to date like normal couples. As he is a Brit at the end of his six-month visa we pretty much had to decide if we were going to be in it for the long haul. Either we made a serious commitment or we didn't see each other at all (nobody used the Internet then.)

We both decided to jump in headfirst.


SuperStressed

[superstressed]

So I will admit that I am pushing my H too much. But I kinda feel that I deserve a decision. I need something from him to know that I'm not just wasting my time waiting for him to come around.

We talked Tuesday but I think we both were a little stressed and nothing was accomplished. He said he broke things off with the ow on Monday. The only details he offered were that she cried and that he told her that things between them hadn't been good for months.

I must say a part of me is glad to know what the ow looks like and that she is not necessarily fat or ugly but very, very, very plain. I will no longer have to hate random women on the street, wondering if they could be the ow.

On Friday my H is going to come to our apartment after work and on Saturday we are going to go to the beach and discuss where things stand. I am perhaps more willing to compromise. I would maybe accept his living here Friday thru Monday nights and then being in his apartment the other three days of the week so long as he moves most of his stuff home and so long as it's understood that he must move in fully tout de suite.

I also kinda think I need us to be wearing our rings again. I know it is just a ring but it is very important to me.

I'm trying not to think about everything too much. Instead I've decided to repaint the bathroom. Nothing like a good project to distract the mind.


SuperStressed