Been awhile; sorry to read about your current situation. I kind of just lurk around here now and then to see what some of the "old timers" are up too...
I'm actually writing b/c your past two entries really struck me, in a bit of an alarming way. You basically just went through the same thing I did with my H back in April/May... him wanting to come back, us starting to work things out, ML, etc. But I didn't trust him, so I confronted the OW to test him...
Yes, like you, I somewhat enjoyed it- telling her H was NOT being faithful to her, etc. Told her to look up my posts on here if she didn't believe me, to learn about H capability to lie to her... etc. Yes, I too questioned how the OW could live with being with another woman's husband, how she could call it "love" , how she could look herself in the mirror every morning knowing she helped contribute to the break up of a little boy's home, let alone the home of the little boy of the man she claims she loves. I also saw pictures of my H's OW, and, like your H's OW, she is also fugly and fat. So I totally understand how you feel about what you just went through; been there, done that.
But I also I sat there and listened to her tell me, at the ripe of age of 21, how she "loves" my 38- year old H. As she told me, she was so upset about my H lies to her about his R with me (which were revealed in Nov after I confronted both of them over the A), that she percieved that her feelings for him had moved from a FWB thing to "love"???? Whatever, right? I also found out that she was with him the night of the DUI.. all sorts of things about H's continued deciet to me (and her) since then. I listened to her tell me how H has told her he loves her (told her right after I found out about the A!) and how, unbeknownst to me at the time, she met our S4 (which of course, pissed me off to no end, to the point that I threatened to sue for full custody if she ever is in our son's prescene again) However, I'm getting off on a tagent here....
The confrontation also caused my H to percieve me as still "controlling" him. And when, depsite telling the OW about all the lies H was feeding her reagarding his R with me, she stated she STILL wanted to be with him; that absent any direct evidence that I was sleeping with him (like I took pictures, or ran a DNA test on my sheets, LOL!), she was going to continue on with him, I saw I was dealing with a completely different beast than I had percieved, and how difficult it all was going to be to truly win my H back. How truly codependent the two of them were/are with each other, as unhealthy as it is... Anyways, I digress.
It just sounds to me like you are hoping that your insults- though ligitimate- will waken the OW up and make her see the light of day. It also sounds like you are hoping that by confronting the OW, you are hoping your H will choose. I just want you to tread carefully with that hope, b/c I know from my expereince it did not work at all (I too asked H too choose after I confronted OW again), and it actually caused my H to draw closer to the OW. I know too that even when we are with our H's, they will find a way to contact the OW if they want. I tried to offer proof to the OW that H wanted me b/c he was choosing to go hiking with me and our S4, or to the airport park, and to meet up with me for drinks at night, etc., instead of being with her. And she told me H choose to be with her b/c he agreed to meet her parents and introduced our S4 to her.... So, it's kind of like a cheeseless tunnel- you can't interpret it. A H engaged in A has no rhyme or reasons to what he chooses to do; the things they do are done with no conseqence or thought for the future; only the immediacey of the moment, nothing else.
Also, it concerns me b/c your H claims he took her on the trip when he was feeling "weak". I've heard my H say the same thing about the OW when we were working things out, and even now, why he continues on with her, even after he has lost so much and now that the "excitement" is gone. He still won't call her his girlfriend (she confirmed this), even though they have been at this now for over a year and I moved out almost 5 months a ago....
Anwyays, after thinking about it for awhile, I wondered why I would want to be in a R with a man who was so weak, that he couldn't stand up for and prioritize what was good for me, our R, or our family? Did I really want to be with a man with that little willpower? Was I willing to accept his "weakness", not punish him for it, and not hold him accountable for what it really was- an excuse. A choice. It made me think that maybe the demise of my R may not be entirely my fault but rather a character weakness of my H that, without proper therepy, will always be present and will resurface again the next time he or our R is stressed.
And then I wondered why I had to wait for my H to make a choice, or OW to make a choice.. when, really, they had. They had choosen each other, and I just didn't like the choice; didn't want to accept reality, and perhaps that was MY character flaw. That my life was still all about them and not about me. So I decided that I didn't want to be controlled by the choices of others, nor to live with the fear of constant abandonment, or be with someone so morally weak, any longer. That I deserved better. I came to the realization that if I had met my H, as he is now, at this point in my life, I would not choose to get involved with him, and, marriage or no marriage, I didn't owe him anything any longer. He had made his choice, so now it was my turn to make mine. So, in the end, it wasn't about me "winning" H anymore; b/c back in April/May that is certainly how I felt, like I couldn't just stand idly by as some other women came in and took over my life. But rather, my thought process changed over this summer to me, looking at me and what I was doing, how to take back control of my life (b/c it felt like I had no control over it when I made it all about H and the OW), and of making decisions that were best for ME, regardless of the ramifications on H or a possible future R. And most of my decisions since then have moved me away from H, from his periods of negativity, bouts of depression, and constant selfishness, and forward into the future. And though H has again started making signs that he wants to work on things, I know now it's not about the OW, it's not about my H, it's about me, and what I want. And, for now, I want something better than my H can offer at the moment. So I tredge on, and, to be honest, I feel good again. I finally have some peace in my life; no more fighting, no more fears. Nothing. I am finally at peace with myself b/c nothing except me controls me now.
So I just want you to be careful..... I know how it feels in the immediate aftermath of the confrontation, when the adrenaline is still running, and it all is playing out again and again in your head, every little bit being analyzed... but once the dust settles, just make sure you are prepared mentally for whatever happens. I know I wasn't, and it devestated me for a bit....
Anyways, I hope this didn't come off too preachy and I hope it works out however is best for YOU. Just wanted you to know I was still paying attention and thought at this moment in time, I might have something beneficial to offer. Until the next time, take care of yourself,
Best Wishes,
PF
PetiteFlower
Quote: Follow Your Bliss
~Joseph Campbell
