In the end I decided to go out of town for the 4th of July. I went to visit my brother--he just got dumped--so we had a pity party. Actually we had a really good time.
I left the morning of the 3rd (Monday), the anniversary of when my H and I started dating. Initially we were going to see each other that night. As I was planning on leaving town, on Sunday I called my H and said I could come over that night and then we could do breakfast instead of dinner that day. He wasn't sure about Sunday but was up for breakfast as he wanted to see me before I left. I told him what I really meant was I could come spend the night at his apartment and that I didn't really want to get up early and drive in to meet him just for breakfast.
After some discussion it was decided that I pick him up (we only have one car and he uses public transportation) and he ended up spending the night at our apartment. Yay!!
Not only was it the night before our anniversary but it was also the first time we spent the whole night together since January--pre ow#2. To make me extra happy, when I went to drop him off he asked if I wanted to come up to his apartment and pick out some CDs for my trip and we ended up ML a second time.
And, before I left, he asked that I send him a text when I arrived at my brother's place so he would know I'd arrived safely. This was back to our usual behavior together.
Unfortunately, it isn't without it's own rollercoaster. I find that after I have a positive interaction with my H, the next day I'm OK but then shortly after I start to have doubts as to whether I want to fix our M. From what those who are piecing have said it is much harder. After everything my heart has been through I wonder if I really want to go through more.
On the 4th of July I sent my H a text saying I hoped he was getting a lot of work done (he's preparing to co-author a book) and that I hoped he was able to check on our cats. So as I started to think about the fact that I knew he was not going to look in our our cats and as I started to wonder what he was doing (not ow-related worries just general jealous worries) I started to think that it was crazy for us to bother fixing our M.
By the time I was driving home on the 5th, I was sure I wanted to file for a D and just put everything behind me. Then I started driving through a downpour and I had a complete meltdown and was crying to myself "why won't it just stop raining?" It's been raining in the DC area for the past several weeks--a pouring, pounding, driving rain that is causing major flooding.
Finally it stopped raining and I got myself under control and I got a text from my H saying he had a good meeting with his co-author. I didn't respond to his text and decided that when I arrived home a few hours later that I wasn't going to let him know when I was back.
Not long after I got home he sent me another text asking if I had arrived home safely. I briefly considered ignoring him but then realized what a baby I was being and told him I was home.
Of course today I'm in a much better mood but I've got to find a way to prevent my emotions from driving me crazy.
