I am glad to hear things went well. Please, do keep that leash on. I think you have the knowledge and experience to make this work. I want that so much for you...for all of us.
The leash is still on. I know my H is in a very scary place right now and I am doing my best to let him be--for once to let him make his own decisions.
While we were talking Tuesday I told him I know he is independent and capable of taking care of himself and that, even though I hate living apart, I'm really proud of him. He's never lived on his own before and I meant what I said to him. I also told him that I'm trying very hard to not be so critical and to spend more time listening and to learn that I don't need to solve everyone's problems all the time (I think this comes from being the oldest.)
I guess my H has every right to be scared. I can see he wants to come back but is very afraid we will fail again, like we did after his first A. Of course I think things are very different. My perspective has changed and I am open to accepting the things I have done wrong and to make changes in the way I interact with him--letting go of lots of little things that aren't important. Last time it was kinda like OK, tragedy averted, everyone back to normal.
As angry and hurt as I am over my H leaving me (which I think really bothers me much, much more than the As) I've realized a big obstacle is going to be how my H is punishing himself. While we were talking he said something like "until a few years ago I never thought it would be anything but us married forever." I think the fact that he cheated hurts him too, perhaps more than me. Of course I'm just speculating but the way he said it made me think he is very sad that our M now has these dings in it. I told him I would take back the hurtful things I've done to him but wouldn't necessarily take back all the things he's done as it's made me realize how important he is to me, and has helped me become a better person.
I'm also starting to think that my H is not the space alien. It is I who am the alien. When my H and I first met I was a strong, energetic, sexy, confident woman. I don't know when that disappeared, but by the time my H left I was reduced to a tired, moody, clingon.
I think I've finally left the mother ship.
My H has promised to let me know whether he will be up to doing anything over the 4th of July and I think that will be the next step. Not whether he will be ready to spend time together on the 9th anniversary of us first dating, but whether he can keep his promise to be honest with me. I told him I would very much like to see him on the 3rd (our actual anniversary) and the 4th but understand if it's too much for him. BUT, I told him he needs to let me know his decision so I can go out of town if we're not getting together (staying here otherwise will be too hard for me.)
In the past I think he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear regardless of whether he had any plans of following through--he referred to it as waiting out the clock. I told him that this strategy actually made me more upset and made me feel like I can't trust him.
So we will see what happens. In the mean time I think I need to find a new project to occupy my time now that my art class is finished. I have too much free time on my hands at the moment.
Quote: While we were talking Tuesday I told him I know he is independent and capable of taking care of himself and that, even though I hate living apart, I'm really proud of him. He's never lived on his own before and I meant what I said to him. I also told him that I'm trying very hard to not be so critical and to spend more time listening and to learn that I don't need to solve everyone's problems all the time (I think this comes from being the oldest.)
Just maybe be careful not to sound too motherly with the "I'm proud of you" stuff. People warned me that I was starting to sound that way with my W and I understood what they meant. I think it's all in the delivery.
Quote: Last time it was kinda like OK, tragedy averted, everyone back to normal.
I think this is a dangerous trap we all may fall into. I know I have and I am working against it right now.
Quote: As angry and hurt as I am over my H leaving me (which I think really bothers me much, much more than the As) I've realized a big obstacle is going to be how my H is punishing himself.
I believe you are right. He will have to forgive himself in order to move forward with you. Give him time.
Quote: I think the fact that he cheated hurts him too, perhaps more than me.
Empathy is a powerful thing, isn't it?
Quote: I'm also starting to think that my H is not the space alien. It is I who am the alien. When my H and I first met I was a strong, energetic, sexy, confident woman. I don't know when that disappeared, but by the time my H left I was reduced to a tired, moody, clingon.
Amen to this. I am in the EXACT same boat. I was the male version of you in the beginning and I too ended up being, well, little more than something you try to bounce on the seat a few times to dislodge from your bum. I didn't think of myself that way, but W sure did, and from her perspective, something I only recently learned to see things from, she had every reason. I betrayed myself, and in the process betrayed her too. Sure, I didn't cheat, and sure, she has her "issues" too, but I am dealing with ME now, and these things about me I want to change.
I think now that you understand who you DON'T want to be, it's much easier to see who you DO want to be.
Quote:
In the past I think he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear regardless of whether he had any plans of following through--he referred to it as waiting out the clock. I told him that this strategy actually made me more upset and made me feel like I can't trust him.
Good boundary I think.
Quote: So we will see what happens. In the mean time I think I need to find a new project to occupy my time now that my art class is finished. I have too much free time on my hands at the moment.
Why not add some studs to your leash or paint it different colors. That way you can combine your DB with your new art training!
Quote: "Why not add some studs to your leash or paint it different colors. That way you can combine your DB with your new art training!"
Good to see you in a better mood today GH.
Anyway, point taken about being too motherly to my H. I don't think I have reached that point yet but will certainly be mindful. In the past my H was always greedy for compliments and was always blatantly fishing for them. This annoyed me and I would refuse to give in. Now I see that if my H needs compliments, who am I to withhold them?
So each time I see my H, I make a point of telling him how nice he looks, hold his hand, thank him for giving me back massages--all things I didn't do before.
Quote: So each time I see my H, I make a point of telling him how nice he looks, hold his hand, thank him for giving me back massages--all things I didn't do before.
In the end I decided to go out of town for the 4th of July. I went to visit my brother--he just got dumped--so we had a pity party. Actually we had a really good time.
I left the morning of the 3rd (Monday), the anniversary of when my H and I started dating. Initially we were going to see each other that night. As I was planning on leaving town, on Sunday I called my H and said I could come over that night and then we could do breakfast instead of dinner that day. He wasn't sure about Sunday but was up for breakfast as he wanted to see me before I left. I told him what I really meant was I could come spend the night at his apartment and that I didn't really want to get up early and drive in to meet him just for breakfast.
After some discussion it was decided that I pick him up (we only have one car and he uses public transportation) and he ended up spending the night at our apartment. Yay!!
Not only was it the night before our anniversary but it was also the first time we spent the whole night together since January--pre ow#2. To make me extra happy, when I went to drop him off he asked if I wanted to come up to his apartment and pick out some CDs for my trip and we ended up ML a second time.
And, before I left, he asked that I send him a text when I arrived at my brother's place so he would know I'd arrived safely. This was back to our usual behavior together.
Unfortunately, it isn't without it's own rollercoaster. I find that after I have a positive interaction with my H, the next day I'm OK but then shortly after I start to have doubts as to whether I want to fix our M. From what those who are piecing have said it is much harder. After everything my heart has been through I wonder if I really want to go through more.
On the 4th of July I sent my H a text saying I hoped he was getting a lot of work done (he's preparing to co-author a book) and that I hoped he was able to check on our cats. So as I started to think about the fact that I knew he was not going to look in our our cats and as I started to wonder what he was doing (not ow-related worries just general jealous worries) I started to think that it was crazy for us to bother fixing our M.
By the time I was driving home on the 5th, I was sure I wanted to file for a D and just put everything behind me. Then I started driving through a downpour and I had a complete meltdown and was crying to myself "why won't it just stop raining?" It's been raining in the DC area for the past several weeks--a pouring, pounding, driving rain that is causing major flooding.
Finally it stopped raining and I got myself under control and I got a text from my H saying he had a good meeting with his co-author. I didn't respond to his text and decided that when I arrived home a few hours later that I wasn't going to let him know when I was back.
Not long after I got home he sent me another text asking if I had arrived home safely. I briefly considered ignoring him but then realized what a baby I was being and told him I was home.
Of course today I'm in a much better mood but I've got to find a way to prevent my emotions from driving me crazy.
Yesterday I found out that my younger sister is officially D. It makes me sad and mad at the same time. They have only been separated for six months, which seems way too fast considering they have a 3-year-old.
Anyway, my H continues to make slow progress. He either calls or texts me on a daily basis. Unfortunately I hate that while he contacts me, I can't call him and expect he will answer--I still have to let him chase me for a while.
I also am finding that whatever time we spend together, I am jealous of the time he spends with others. If we are together at night I get mad that he spent time with friends before seeing me. If I see him in the afternoon, I get mad that he's going out after he sees me. Of course I'm not expressing this anger around him, but I feel it nonetheless.
So I guess we're just seeing how things go. I think he was feeling like I was expecting some sort of big R talk until I told him that we didn't really have anything to talk about. I told him that if we were going to work things out we should just start spending more time together. And, I said, I didn't want to spend each time we were together talking. I want to be able to have fun together. He thanked me for not wanting a R talk.
That said, I did suggest that he write me a letter about what is going on in his head (even if it is a letter he doesn't give to me.) All this time, I've been pouring my heart out and writing him letters and he has been allowed to remain silent. This was not true in the beginning of our R and I think this will have to change if we are ever to really repair our M. I think too often I gave him a pass and let him keep his feelings to himself. He's agreed that a letter is a good idea. But, to tell you the truth, I'm kinda scared to find out what is going on inside his head.
My H spent the night again yesterday and we had a really nice time together. We got take out and went to a park by the Potomac River to watch the planes as they were taking off and landing. It was significant not only because it's a place I love to go and my H is not a fan of, but because he doesn't really like picnicking.
I think he has started taking real steps, not just baby ones. In the past when we would be parking the car he would get annoyed if I drove around looking for a space. He made a point of telling me that he's not going to do that anymore. And, while we were eating and the wind started picking up, I thanked him for going to the park with me as I know it's not his thing. He said he was happy just to spend time with me.
He also apologized for all the things he used to do that drove me nuts. I told him that I was sorry too. And, I said, I was sorry for making him fish for compliments and that it was just that I didn't understand how he didn't have confidence in himself. I think he really appreciated that.
He summed up what happened to our M as such: "If it had been you and me against the world we'd be OK. But it was you and me against each other."
But, most significantly, my H said he is taking things slow because he wants to make sure things are really going to be fixed if we stay together, not just swept under the carpet like last time.
Man how scary is this? I guess that's why falling in love is usually accompanied by lots of endorphins to distract us from how much faith and trust we are putting in another human being. If it wasn't, few would probably be willing to take the leap.
I kinda feel like I'm gearing up to take one of those trust falls where you lean backward and trust someone will catch you.
Man how scary is this? I guess that's why falling in love is usually accompanied by lots of endorphins to distract us from how much faith and trust we are putting in another human being. If it wasn't, few would probably be willing to take the leap.
I kinda feel like I'm gearing up to take one of those trust falls where you lean backward and trust someone will catch you.
SO important for many of us to read this. You're 100% right and I think THIS is one of the places people like Emily stumble HARD. We sometimes fail to realize that sometime we have to open ourselves up to being hurt again and understand that hopefully we are stronger so that IT they drop us when we "lean back" we will not stay down for long.
My H and I continue to slowly move forward. We had a nice time together Sunday afternoon. It was actually nice that we just had a kinda normal day together and didn't end up ML. I know that is hard for some of you going through a dry period to believe, but as sex has been the cornerstone of our M, it's nice to see we're moving to the next stage.
Things are generally good but my H has not verbally committed to our M. And, it really, really bothers me that he seems to have no plans to move back home. He does talk in "we" often but the other day he made some comment that he planned to give me "x" amount of money each month in the future and he recently got some new artwork for his apartment. When he made the comment about banking I said he should just close that account--hint, hint, come back to our joint account.
But I am very worried about my H. The second anniversary of his dad's death is coming up on Friday. Last year at this time we had been putting things back together from his first A (which happened when his dad died) and when the first anniversary hit things went downhill fast.
I think things are different this time around. Actually, I know they are different. I've taken time off from work, and, if he agrees, I think we're going to go away for the weekend.
Also, a month from now one of his closest friends is getting married and at this point I'm not invited. He said if I went it would be weird for a lot of his friends and then it would be about us instead of his friends who are getting married. I think there's some truth to that, BUT, I think as it is a month away, he can give them enough warning that it will not be weird. The topic is still open for discussion so I'm hopeful he will change his mind.
They have only been separated for six months, which seems way too fast considering they have a 3-year-old.