Quote: While we were talking Tuesday I told him I know he is independent and capable of taking care of himself and that, even though I hate living apart, I'm really proud of him. He's never lived on his own before and I meant what I said to him. I also told him that I'm trying very hard to not be so critical and to spend more time listening and to learn that I don't need to solve everyone's problems all the time (I think this comes from being the oldest.)
Just maybe be careful not to sound too motherly with the "I'm proud of you" stuff. People warned me that I was starting to sound that way with my W and I understood what they meant. I think it's all in the delivery.
Quote: Last time it was kinda like OK, tragedy averted, everyone back to normal.
I think this is a dangerous trap we all may fall into. I know I have and I am working against it right now.
Quote: As angry and hurt as I am over my H leaving me (which I think really bothers me much, much more than the As) I've realized a big obstacle is going to be how my H is punishing himself.
I believe you are right. He will have to forgive himself in order to move forward with you. Give him time.
Quote: I think the fact that he cheated hurts him too, perhaps more than me.
Empathy is a powerful thing, isn't it?
Quote: I'm also starting to think that my H is not the space alien. It is I who am the alien. When my H and I first met I was a strong, energetic, sexy, confident woman. I don't know when that disappeared, but by the time my H left I was reduced to a tired, moody, clingon.
Amen to this. I am in the EXACT same boat. I was the male version of you in the beginning and I too ended up being, well, little more than something you try to bounce on the seat a few times to dislodge from your bum. I didn't think of myself that way, but W sure did, and from her perspective, something I only recently learned to see things from, she had every reason. I betrayed myself, and in the process betrayed her too. Sure, I didn't cheat, and sure, she has her "issues" too, but I am dealing with ME now, and these things about me I want to change.
I think now that you understand who you DON'T want to be, it's much easier to see who you DO want to be.
Quote:
In the past I think he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear regardless of whether he had any plans of following through--he referred to it as waiting out the clock. I told him that this strategy actually made me more upset and made me feel like I can't trust him.
Good boundary I think.
Quote: So we will see what happens. In the mean time I think I need to find a new project to occupy my time now that my art class is finished. I have too much free time on my hands at the moment.
Why not add some studs to your leash or paint it different colors. That way you can combine your DB with your new art training!
