The leash is still on. I know my H is in a very scary place right now and I am doing my best to let him be--for once to let him make his own decisions.
While we were talking Tuesday I told him I know he is independent and capable of taking care of himself and that, even though I hate living apart, I'm really proud of him. He's never lived on his own before and I meant what I said to him. I also told him that I'm trying very hard to not be so critical and to spend more time listening and to learn that I don't need to solve everyone's problems all the time (I think this comes from being the oldest.)
I guess my H has every right to be scared. I can see he wants to come back but is very afraid we will fail again, like we did after his first A. Of course I think things are very different. My perspective has changed and I am open to accepting the things I have done wrong and to make changes in the way I interact with him--letting go of lots of little things that aren't important. Last time it was kinda like OK, tragedy averted, everyone back to normal.
As angry and hurt as I am over my H leaving me (which I think really bothers me much, much more than the As) I've realized a big obstacle is going to be how my H is punishing himself. While we were talking he said something like "until a few years ago I never thought it would be anything but us married forever." I think the fact that he cheated hurts him too, perhaps more than me. Of course I'm just speculating but the way he said it made me think he is very sad that our M now has these dings in it. I told him I would take back the hurtful things I've done to him but wouldn't necessarily take back all the things he's done as it's made me realize how important he is to me, and has helped me become a better person.
I'm also starting to think that my H is not the space alien. It is I who am the alien. When my H and I first met I was a strong, energetic, sexy, confident woman. I don't know when that disappeared, but by the time my H left I was reduced to a tired, moody, clingon.
I think I've finally left the mother ship.
My H has promised to let me know whether he will be up to doing anything over the 4th of July and I think that will be the next step. Not whether he will be ready to spend time together on the 9th anniversary of us first dating, but whether he can keep his promise to be honest with me. I told him I would very much like to see him on the 3rd (our actual anniversary) and the 4th but understand if it's too much for him. BUT, I told him he needs to let me know his decision so I can go out of town if we're not getting together (staying here otherwise will be too hard for me.)
In the past I think he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear regardless of whether he had any plans of following through--he referred to it as waiting out the clock. I told him that this strategy actually made me more upset and made me feel like I can't trust him.
So we will see what happens. In the mean time I think I need to find a new project to occupy my time now that my art class is finished. I have too much free time on my hands at the moment.
