Saw my H tonight for the first time since his month-long trip.
He was able see some of the changes I made to our apartment--I completely redecorated the bedroom, painted and hung new curtains and put up some pictures. He was really impressed. Our failure to decorate was something that was an issue for him. I didn't particularly care but it bothered him immensely so it was a very big deal for me to do this.
He also got to see my (our?) new car. We discussed it before he left and then while he was gone I got a new car. Our old one was eight year old and definitely rough around the edges--it made noises every time I used it. I had gotten used to its quirks and it didn't bother me but it really, really stressed my H out. I told him I understood that certain things bothered him that didn't bother me and that it wasn't fair of me to belittle his concerns--a major step for me and I think it meant a lot to him.
As my H has been sick I told him that we didn't need to have any big talk. (And frankly I really didn't want to get into things.) I said that if he didn't want to get a D we could just start spending more time together. Then I told him that I wanted to be able for us to spend time together and for it not to always be emotional. I just wanted to spend time being happy with him.
In the end we discussed things a little.
H: I'm really scared to make a mistake and I'm tired of hurting you and hurting other people. M: Other people? H: People who have been supportive. H: I feel like we're right back where we were a year ago (after his first A and before his second A.) M: We're not in the same place. We've grown. Then I blamed you for everything. Now I understand that I'm equally to blame. And I'm not mad at you.
Later he said while he was in the midst of his trip and was traveling from one country to the next to the next and finding himself feeling lost and scared and short on cash he thought of me and missed me. Then he told me it said a lot that it was me he thought to turn to when he was feeling that way.
We ended up ML and agreed to take some time to see how things go. H asked me not to push him too fast. He pointed out that the phone message I left when I couldn't get ahold of him was "the same old Xxx" I said I was sorry for the message and said the old me wouldn't have apologized and realized that it was unacceptable behavior. He agreed more or less.
He said he needs time and he doesn't want to make any promises. I said I understood and would do my best to give him space. So I guess I need to be kept on a short DB leash for a little while.
Anyway, I will post more later but that's the basic gist.
