Right back at you. How have YOU been?? Inquiring minds want to know.
Anyway. To tell you the truth sometimes I'm not sure how I am. At the moment I'm in the process of filing for a no fault D. Yes, that's right. I'm planning on filing.
Honestly, the idea of being divorced terrifies me. Not being alone, but no longer having that connection to my H. I can see that he doesn't really want to be without me and he said "this is worse than my dad dying" of our M breaking up, but still he hasn't taken any concrete steps toward reconciliation.
So, I guess after 5 months of living apart, him spending the month before that on business and several months before that with him not coming home until midnight because he was out drinking, I've reached my limit. He has a business trip coming up and a close friend's bachelor party that he has to go to which I can handle even though he'll be gone for three weeks. But, before that, he's going to be abroad for a coworker's wedding and he is going to be with the ow on the trip. I've decided that I will NOT forgive him for taking her to a wedding. To top it off, vacations had always been an issue in our M and he never wanted to go on vacation with me. When he goes to this wedding with her it will mean he has been on as many vacations with her as he has with me. I cannot, will not, get past that.
I guess I just decided enough is enough. The sad thing is the last time I saw my H (almost a month ago) we had a really good talk and ended up ML. Of course I think each of these times we get close then he gets scared and runs. But, frankly, I'm tired of this game of his.
I know he was a bit surprised when I told him I was filing (on June 9). The only thing that will stop me from filing is if he decides not to go to this wedding.
I guess I've reached the end of the rope and have decided that any further effort is going to have to be on his part. I'm alternately really mad, at peace, and sobbing over this.
Tomorrow we're going to sign a property settlement agreement and then while he's gone I'm going to file my complaint for divorce. We could be divorced by the end of next month
Of course I always have felt that we are the kind of couple to divorce and then get married again. I guess time will tell.
SS, sorry to hear that you're filing. I came to the brink of filing a couple of weeks ago, before deciding that I owed it to D to try and DB some more.
All I can say is that I don't think you should file for D unless that's what you really want. If you really want a M with your H, then I would suggest simply getting a legal separation and completely cutting off all contact with your H -- going beyond dark to "pitch black."
That way, you won't know what your H is doing with OW or where he is taking her. You won't feel hurt and you won't have anything more to resent, and you can keep the reconciliation option open for later. You'll have split all the property, and getting a D will then be very easy later (if, for example, you find a guy you'd like to start spending some time with).
Just a thought ... I wish you the best.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I hear what you are saying and I definitely don't WANT a D. But, the thing is, I want my H to have to make a decision. I cannot allow him to continue in this state. It isn't good for either of us. On more than one occasion he's said something along the lines of "don't think that even after we've filed the paperwork that would stop me from changing my mind."
I get the sense that he wants to take things to the brink of D. That he knows he doesn't really want a D but that I need to be punished. And perhaps I do because I never really fully appreciated him before.
This morning I met him at his office for him to sign paperwork and he refused to sign the property settlement agreement. Now we have absolutely no property, no assets other than some furniture and a car and everything has already been decided so this document is just a formality before I can file.
But now that I'm moving ahead with a D he is suddenly dragging his feet. This is the man who a couple months ago wanted to get D as soon as possible so he could have the possibility of finding someone else to marry. When I asked him to sign he said "this just all seems so wrong" and started to cry.
Of course I guess it was a low blow on my part that along with the papers I brought some personal mementos--some clothing of mine that has sentimental value, photos of me and of our cats, letters and cards I wrote to him and our wedding rings. He looked at the clothes and started crying again and said he didn't want them.
We decided to meet on Tuesday to give him a few days to think things over. I had pretty much managed this meeting with only a few stray tears until he told me he missed having someone to give his pickles to. Before anyone gets dirty thoughts--anytime we went out to eat and he got a pickle he always saved it for me. At this point I started crying and I sat on his lap and sobbed for a minute.
He said that even if he wanted to save our M it would take so much work he wasn't sure we could do it. I said, "we're not humpty dumpty." (Man I crack myself up ) We talked a little about how hard it would be to fix things and he rubbed my neck for a little bit. (I had said I hadn't slept well since we'd lived apart and he said he sleeps but never feels rested.)
He told me that I was making this trip to be more than it is (and I do sometime suspect that he and the ow are on the outs.) I told him that what hurt most that was that he wanted to spend time with everyone else but me.
Eventually we pulled ourselves together and he walked me out as he had to do some work.
I don't know whether he's going to try to blow me off on Tuesday and then leave the country for three weeks without signing so that I can't file for D but I would be lying if I'm not worried it will happen. I guess I'm going to try not to worry about it too much and see how things go.
Here's an interesting quote in a court document I found in a law library while looking up how to file a no fault D:
"Law does not permit courts to sever marriage bonds and to break households merely because husband and wife, through unruly tempers, lack of patience, and uncongenial natures, live unhappily together."
Just when you think you are out, they pull you back in!!
Things did not go well when I met my H yesterday. I thought he was going to give me a copy of the signed property settlement agreement and then we were going car shopping. Instead we went to his apartment and I ended up just giving him his birthday present and then consoling him. (I'm realizing that we seem to spend a lot of time crying together but I should point out that we're both writers and his grandfather was an Irish poet so we do tend to be melodramatic.)
I truly don't understand my H. How can he say he loves me, misses me and wishes he could take away all my hurt but STILL not want to take even the smallest step toward reconciliation. This on top of him telling me he considered asking for a transfer to one of his job's foreign offices so we could start over together.
After we spoke on the weekend, he called and texted me several times a day--he was clearly excited about seeing me as this was not his normal behavior. But after yesterday I feel he roped me back in and now knows he has me back so he can continue along in his previous course of limbo.
I'm just so mad and hurt and frustrated that he won't sign the property settlement agreement so I can file but he also refuses to make any effort to move forward. And, to top it off, he didn't want to ML because he said it would just make him more upset. (I know GH you don't have much sympathy here but at least you are still living with your W. I would trade sex in a minute to be able to go to fall asleep and wake up next to my H.)
I hate the fact that each time I get to the point where I'm going to be OK moving on he gets all emotional and tells me he's not sure what he wants and gives me hope and pulls me right back to limbo.
I think I need to change my name from SuperStressed to SuperFRUSTRATED!
My H has left the country for a month and, as I suspected, without signing the D papers. Not that I want a D. I just want an end to this crappy ride and in VA you can only file for a no fault D if you have a property settlement agreement and been apart six months, or you've been separated for a year. We're only just approaching the six month mark.
So now what do I do next? My H is showing some signs that he doesn't want a D, but refuses to take any steps toward working on our M. At the same time the more I push for a D the more he drags his feet.
On a positive note, he is back to telling me he loves me before getting on a plane. (I always demanded it before flights--a weird superstition of mine.) He sent me a text and e-mailed me from the airport to say "I love you!"
It's been almost two years since we've been going through this hell and I guess I'm out of patience.
Quote: It's been almost two years since we've been going through this hell and I guess I'm out of patience.
You mean that you can't wait for him the rest of your life?! Seriously, I don't know how you've waited this long. I've only been dealing with my W for 8 months now, and I can't imagine going another 16 months.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Things in our M have not been consistently bad for the entire two years. That's just when we started having major problems. I had quit my job and wanted to move across the country and went on a road trip with my sister unsure of whether I wanted to come back--I did. A few months later, his dad died, he had his first A, he wanted to leave (and did for a couple weeks) and get a D but then changed his mind.
We had (at least I thought) recovered but then we hit the first anniversary of his dad's death last July and BAM, my H went right back to La La Land. So last summer he began to go out drinking every night after work with his coworkers and would come home at midnight. He was only here at night when we were sleeping and sometimes on weekends if he didn't claim he had to work.
By Thanksgiving I had learned about his first A and my H was pushing for me to move out to which I said basically f-you. I figured he wanted out so he should leave. We negotiated and I agreed to stay with a friend in January. After I moved out he started his second A--which I think is still going on but is showing signs of fizzling.
I moved back in our apartment in February and he moved out and stayed with a friend for a month and then got his own apartment in March. Later that month he went with ow#2 on a business trip and she met my MIL. When he returned he began to show signs he was losing interest in her.
We were supposed to go to a couple's weekend in April but he bailed a few hours before we were to go. I told him the weekend was a chance for us to say goodbye and that we couldn't be friends. (Throughout this I said the worst part of us splitting was the loss of his friendship. When he came back from the trip he had said wanted to be friends too.)
He said he wasn't ready to say goodbye and he says he isn't 100 percent sure anymore that he wants a D (not a surprise to me.) Then a few weeks ago I decided it was time for him to buck up and make a decision. Either he has to work on our M, or I am filing for D.
The more I push for a decision or suggest that things are truly finished between us, the more he drags his feet. Case in point, leaving the country for a month and not signing the paperwork, effectively preventing me from filing for a D.
Sometimes I just feel like he wants to keep his options open with me while he plays around.
So I guess there's a quick summary for those of you not familiar with my sitch.
So I went and called the ow's work voice mail after hours, and, as it did not have an away message, it suggests that she did not go with my H to the wedding in Ireland. (When they were both in Italy on business and then spent time traveling together she did leave an out of office message.)
I guess I have suspected that my H has been losing interest in her but this leaves me even less sure as to whether I should call or e-mail my H at all while he is gone (for three weeks) especially as the more I push for a D the more unsure he is that he wants to end our M.
So any advice here would be appreciated. I don't want to pursue him but at the same time, three weeks is a long time and I don't want him to forget about me.
) We talked a little about how hard it would be to fix things and he rubbed my neck for a little bit. (I had said I hadn't slept well since we'd lived apart and he said he sleeps but never feels rested.) 
Seriously, I don't know how you've waited this long. I've only been dealing with my W for 8 months now, and I can't imagine going another 16 months.