I hear what you are saying and I definitely don't WANT a D. But, the thing is, I want my H to have to make a decision. I cannot allow him to continue in this state. It isn't good for either of us. On more than one occasion he's said something along the lines of "don't think that even after we've filed the paperwork that would stop me from changing my mind."
I get the sense that he wants to take things to the brink of D. That he knows he doesn't really want a D but that I need to be punished. And perhaps I do because I never really fully appreciated him before.
This morning I met him at his office for him to sign paperwork and he refused to sign the property settlement agreement. Now we have absolutely no property, no assets other than some furniture and a car and everything has already been decided so this document is just a formality before I can file.
But now that I'm moving ahead with a D he is suddenly dragging his feet. This is the man who a couple months ago wanted to get D as soon as possible so he could have the possibility of finding someone else to marry. When I asked him to sign he said "this just all seems so wrong" and started to cry.
Of course I guess it was a low blow on my part that along with the papers I brought some personal mementos--some clothing of mine that has sentimental value, photos of me and of our cats, letters and cards I wrote to him and our wedding rings. He looked at the clothes and started crying again and said he didn't want them.
We decided to meet on Tuesday to give him a few days to think things over. I had pretty much managed this meeting with only a few stray tears until he told me he missed having someone to give his pickles to. Before anyone gets dirty thoughts--anytime we went out to eat and he got a pickle he always saved it for me. At this point I started crying and I sat on his lap and sobbed for a minute.
He said that even if he wanted to save our M it would take so much work he wasn't sure we could do it. I said, "we're not humpty dumpty." (Man I crack myself up ) We talked a little about how hard it would be to fix things and he rubbed my neck for a little bit. (I had said I hadn't slept well since we'd lived apart and he said he sleeps but never feels rested.)
He told me that I was making this trip to be more than it is (and I do sometime suspect that he and the ow are on the outs.) I told him that what hurt most that was that he wanted to spend time with everyone else but me.
Eventually we pulled ourselves together and he walked me out as he had to do some work.
I don't know whether he's going to try to blow me off on Tuesday and then leave the country for three weeks without signing so that I can't file for D but I would be lying if I'm not worried it will happen. I guess I'm going to try not to worry about it too much and see how things go.
) We talked a little about how hard it would be to fix things and he rubbed my neck for a little bit. (I had said I hadn't slept well since we'd lived apart and he said he sleeps but never feels rested.) 