Well, we did not go to the counseling workshop. At the last minute my H called and said he was on the verge of a breakdown and couldn't handle going and wasn't ready for this to be our weekend to say goodbye. He asked me if he could call later and we could talk.
I didn't see the point in delaying the goodbye and felt that I couldn't just let him off the hook--that it would just allow him to drag out us either failing or succeeding in our M. So I told him I would be over to his apartment in a few hours to pick up some boxes, that I would pack up the last of his things and bring them to him, and that after that day (Saturday) I didn't want to see him again.
A few moments after I picked up the boxes he called me on my cell to see if we could talk later. I told him no, that there was nothing to say. I said I wanted the counseling workshop to be a way for us to understand what went wrong and to say goodbye with love. Instead he was going to have me hate him.
As we were talking, I realized that several of the streets in DC were blocked and I ended up having to head back toward his apartment. By this point, he was crying and I took pity on him and told him I would come to get him and we could go have breakfast. He asked if I could just take him back to our apartment because, as he was crying, he didn't want to be in public.
We ended up spending most of the day snuggling in bed together and having a really long talk and not quite ML, but close enough. I feel like we really learned a lot about each other. While we were talking about our M, we really were talking about ourselves--asking each things like "what is your biggest fear," "what one thing would you change about your personality," "what thing would you change about yourself physically."
I think he's finally starting to come around and is realizing that he doesn't want a D any more than I do. And, I've realized that as scared as I have been he's scared too and blames himself for screwing up our M. I'm getting better at validating and told him that it was both our faults and neither of our faults at the same time, that we just got off course.
I don't know what this week will bring. We've agreed to give each other time to digest things. I truly hope he will want to move back in the next month and agree to repair our M but I am preparing myself for the possibility that he is not ready yet and may never be. But, while this would have crushed me months ago, I'm now ready to move on if necessary as much as it sucks.
