So I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and realized so many things about myself that drove my H away. That doesn't mean he is blameless. I just realize that while he was never afraid to love me fully, I was scared to love him that same way. I didn't want to allow myself to fully trust him and let myself love him because I was afraid to get hurt. How ironic that this very behavior ended up pushing him away.
I don't know where my H and I stand but this weekend will be crucial. I've signed us up for a counseling weekend and plan to stand firm that if he goes I will sign a separation agreement. If he doesn't then he will have to wait the full year before he can file for a D.
But at the same time, I've recently realized that I'm finally starting to move on. I certainly don't want to, but I am no longer prepared to stay in limbo. I thought I wanted to stay friends but once he said he wanted that too, I realized that's not what I want.
He still doesn't want to go this weekend and that's his decision. But, on my end, I've realized that if he is not interested in working on our M then we cannot be friends. I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his wife.
Also, I've told him that while this weekend is about learning to communicate, it is also about helping me heal and about me being able to move on. From my end, after this weekend, if he is unwilling to move ahead together, then I am at a point where I am ready to say goodbye. I have to say goodbye as if he is dead and then have no contact with him. It is just too hard otherwise. (I have noticed that he is none too happy about saying goodbye forever.)
Oddly as GH posted in Imdi's thread, it seems as soon as we finally get there, they start to come back. The unfortunate thing is you really have to be there, you cannot just do it as a way to win your WAS back.
Recently my H and I have been talking on the phone much more and have seen each other more regularly. He also showed me his apartment (at one point he was not even going to let me know the address.) I've even gotten a few ILYs and he actually called me by his pet name for me.
It just sucks that I've had to go deep within myself and realize that as much as I don't want to admit, there is the possibility that things will not work out between us. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and it scares me more than anything.
