It's been a while since I posted so here's an update.
I feel like I've moved forward and backwards at the same time. My H has officially moved into his own apartment. Now he's pushing for a separation agreement. He wants to date it to the beginning of the year which means he could file for D in a few months.
I don't particularly want to agree (if I don't agree then he will have to wait a year instead of six months) but I told him if he went to a marriage counseling workshop next weekend then I would sign the agreement. We'll see how that goes. He's hired a lawyer who has told him that if we go to any sort of counseling then it starts the clock all over again. The lawyers obviously don't want to see him work things out--they want to keep their retainer and waste all our money. I've decided there must be a separate hell for D lawyers.
At the same time my H is obviously torn up and upset over leaving me. We had a really long phone conversation earlier this week which ended up with us both crying and him telling me he misses me and loves me. He said he can't forgive himself for what he's done to me. Then tonight he came over to our apartment for dinner. He got here before I did and it was obvious he had been crying. We snuggled on the couch for a while and I wiped his tears. BUT, still he wants to move ahead with the lawyers. WTF??
At this point I'm hoping he will go to the workshop. It's supposed to be about learning how to communicate and fight fair, and how to meet your S's needs and verbalize your own needs--all the things we were lacking. It just really sucks to hear my H say that he loves me and thinks we had great chemistry together but he doesn't want to stay M because we argued too much. I'm remaining optimistic that he will eventually realize that we can change how we interact and we can stop ourselves from falling into our old patterns. Toward that end I've committed to not allowing him to push my buttons. I know that eventually things will work out but I'm just so tired of living my life without my H.
Not such great news, but I'm still trying to stay positive.
