Thanks for your support. I guess I am just at a point where I've looked around to see what is most important in my life and my H comes out at the top of the list. For a while even after we were not sleeping under the same roof we were seeing a lot of each other. When that changed, my ability to see the positive really slipped. Until yesterday I had not seen my H in two weeks.
I've never really dealt with being apart from him very well. We have been apart for as long as three months before we were married when he had to go home to England due to visa requirements. Those separations were hell. Other than those times, I've never not lived with my H as long as I've known him. We lived together in a house with several other reporters before we were dating and we have lived together ever since.
As I told my H, without him I feel like someone is sitting on my chest all the time. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just feel pretty much empty all the time. It's also bumming me out that it's now been nine years since we first met--almost a third of our lives
I don't mean to suggest that I've abandoned DBing completely. I just am tired of playing games. I'm calling him more often and guess what, he's calling me more often too. That is not to suggest that things are going well. I think we're at bottom. He is moving out into his own apartment this weekend. He's also been a complete jerk about money. I don't make enough to live off of and he's refused to help me with rent. As a result I've had to call my parents and ask for a loan and get a second part-time job. This is in addition to a full-time job I'm hoping to get. It's just so damn expensive to live in this area.
At the same time, I still can't give up hope. I know he loves me and he has made a point of saying "this is hard for me too." We both see that there are major problems in our M. The difference is that I am willing to work on them and come out stronger while he doesn't think our problems can be fixed and doesn't want to try even if they can.
I guess I feel that if I give up now, then all of the struggling will have been in vain. I can't give up until I know I've done everything I could to save our M.
