Flutter - In regards to the things my parents told me: One thing that my father said that my H said was definitely during the past 2 years - it was before we separated when the tension b/w my H and I was unbearable. The other things, i am not sure when they were said. My father did comment on how angry he thought my H had become, and that he had never been like that before. And to be honest, I really don't think that he was any different until November 2003, when he started to withdraw from me.
My C told me something last night that actually made me feel a bit better. I told him about how stupid i feel for believing my H and wondering if my H ever loved me. He said that when people get up caught up in things, whether it be an addiction or an affair, they often change. But, that doesn't mean that they change forever. So, that did make me feel like this A that he is having (that he denies) could be the cause of all of his out of character behaviors. I do believe that my H is very angry with himself for various reasons, the number one reason being that this is happening again.
I really see no reason for my H to have been saying all of the things he has said (i miss you, a big part of me still wants to be with you, etc) - I mean, there is no reason for him to by lying about that, right? I know, i am trying to make sense of something that is so illogical.
I know this might be of little real solace, but your H has no idea how lucky he is to have someone love him the way that you do, despite all he puts you through.
Thank you...it is of great solace to me.
The one thing i keep asking is why i am not worth fighting for, why i am not worth taking a risk on and why he doesn't love me enough to try again. But, i guess it has nothing to do with me...he is so blinded by the ow that all he sees is her. And that hurts really bad, b/c i thought he would love me forever, that he would never want to live without me. But, that was part of my problem...i didn't appreciate him enough b/c i thought he would always be there...i took him for granted. And i am so sorry for that. I wish that i could go back and change so many things...but i know that i can't. I just wish that he would see how much i do love him, how sorry i am for everything, and how different things could be between us.
I still can't believe that this is happening. There is still a part of me that feels like this is just a nightmare. I am not looking forward to the next weeks and months, as the time draws closer to put an end to our M. I can't even imagine him not being there. And it hurts, really, really bad.
Alot can happen in next few weeks.... Dont throw the towel in just yet... As far as understanding our H's - I am not sure we ever will... I do think they hit a MLC and the only way for them to carry on is act the complete opposite to how they have been doing for past 30 years... I know my H inside is a good, kind hearted man, yet over these past 2 years and even still now all I see from him is selfishness and arrogancy and puting himself first.. I think he struggles to deal with how he feels himself, so they only light he can see is doing what pleases him. Its like they hit a MLC and all of a sudden they are questioning them selves, and the natural process for them is the think ' well it must be something wrong in my life for me to feel like this, so i must change everything I do and start doing the complete opposite'..
I do beleive that all we are doing is basically giving them the space to go through this MLC and hopefully come out of it at the end of it all...
Although from all my reading I also sincerely beleive that we can help slow down or speed up the process dependent on how are handle the situation.
I went to see a physic last year, and she told me that m H still loves me ( true, he has told me this). She also said that there is a chance we could get back together, but it would not been down to my H, it would be down to me and it would be my decision...
And its true........I am one of the unfortunate many whose partners have hit a crisis within their lives... My H will come out of it, of that I am sure, but whether we get back together again will be down to me, and whether i am prepared to wait and also how I choose to deal with the situ and live my life in the meantime...
Sorry, am waffling now a bit , but hope you get my drift.
It strikes me after reading the above post how few books there are available to the LBS in regards to a MLC. I know there are some, and one I won't mention by name also has a website (that I have not found to be helpful). I wish there were more information for us to read up on. I have found that the MLC thread here does contain some excellent posts. Imdi, Thinking of you today.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks for your reply. Don't take this the wrong way, but knowing that my H isn't the only one acting arrogant and selfish makes me feel a bit better. I think that is because so many people have been telling me that he is crazy, he is manipulating and controlling me, and i start to wonder if they are right. But, when i think about all of the people here that are going through the same exact thing, i stop and think that it is not necessarily a character flaw, but just how they are dealing with the current circumstances. Does that make sense?
I don't want to give up just yet, but i also don't want to be leaving the courthouse or wherever, after our D is final, and feel like i have been hit by a Mack truck. You know what i mean? I just don't want the hope that i have to blind me to the reality of what is very likely going to happen.
I have wondered if my H is having an MLC. He is going to be 39 and has had a bunch of health problems, which basically started the year we got married. He has behaved in a way that made me think he is trying to recapture his youth (going out drinking with his much younger brother, etc). My H even said to me several months ago how he wishes he could take a pill and go back to how he felt 10 years ago.
I just don't know how to get him away from ow. I don't think that there has been more than this one...at least i hope not. I just wish that he could remember how he felt the day we got married, and realize that he doesn't want to give that up. Oh, i don't know.
Anyway, thanks for your feedback...i appreciate it.
You know Imdi99, I think your H will realise..... one day..... I just dont know when that day will be.... If your H is anything like mine, the more people tell him to stop being stupid, pull himself together, get a grip on what he is doing etc etc then the more he will be on a mission to prove to himself and everybody that he can cope in his 'new' life situ and that he is happy... Does your H seem to have a ' i do what i like' attitude.. My H does at the moment, and it drives me mad... If anything at all is suggested to him, its always - I do what i like, i am a free person'...
I do think the best option for us, is to keep GALing as much as possible...
This keeps us less obssessed on them, plus is the best way to get our H's to start taking a step back and take a look at us for a change, rather than focusing on themselves as they have been doing...
That seems to be a running theme with these MLC’ers…the “I’ll do what I want, don’t tell me what to do” attitude. My H. has told me before that he doesn’t want anyone (either me or o.w.) to tell him what to do. He wants to feel in control, make his own decisions. I think this is where the idea of agreeing with them comes into play. Of course, then there’s a limit to what you can agree with while still maintaining your self respect.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
well, there's that syndrom called "Romance" that thrives on obstacles, and the more there are the more intense it becomes. Don't ask me though, I'm certainly no expert as to how to get H from an OW, but the clever books say that the only medicine here is a good dose of reality free of obstacles. It's not the result that our H seem to be after, it's the process: struggling, proving themselves, proving others wrong, trying out some opportunities, and so on. Let them have the end result and see what happens.
At least it's my thinking. I can absolutely relate to you sith Imdi, since my H has been telling me for 11 years that he doesn't need anyone but me, will never need anyone and will not even look at anyone. I guess now there's certainly the "anyone" that he wants to be with, and I'm feeling that I have been insensitive, bitchy and unappreciative. COuld that be true? Or, is a good H the one not only TALKS but actually STAYS with you no matter what, no matter what syrens and obstacles there are to endure?
What do you think.
Also, if you guys have plans to meet, I would gladly impose, since I live nearby too ')
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
I think c1t is referring to the [censored] book or some version of it. Lots of great ideas in there. Requires a def. shift in mindset but I have tried someof his techniques in a min-version: such as agreeing and it works frighteningly well. brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
