Flutter - In regards to the things my parents told me: One thing that my father said that my H said was definitely during the past 2 years - it was before we separated when the tension b/w my H and I was unbearable. The other things, i am not sure when they were said. My father did comment on how angry he thought my H had become, and that he had never been like that before. And to be honest, I really don't think that he was any different until November 2003, when he started to withdraw from me.
My C told me something last night that actually made me feel a bit better. I told him about how stupid i feel for believing my H and wondering if my H ever loved me. He said that when people get up caught up in things, whether it be an addiction or an affair, they often change. But, that doesn't mean that they change forever. So, that did make me feel like this A that he is having (that he denies) could be the cause of all of his out of character behaviors. I do believe that my H is very angry with himself for various reasons, the number one reason being that this is happening again.
I really see no reason for my H to have been saying all of the things he has said (i miss you, a big part of me still wants to be with you, etc) - I mean, there is no reason for him to by lying about that, right? I know, i am trying to make sense of something that is so illogical.
I know this might be of little real solace, but your H has no idea how lucky he is to have someone love him the way that you do, despite all he puts you through.
Thank you...it is of great solace to me.
The one thing i keep asking is why i am not worth fighting for, why i am not worth taking a risk on and why he doesn't love me enough to try again. But, i guess it has nothing to do with me...he is so blinded by the ow that all he sees is her. And that hurts really bad, b/c i thought he would love me forever, that he would never want to live without me. But, that was part of my problem...i didn't appreciate him enough b/c i thought he would always be there...i took him for granted. And i am so sorry for that. I wish that i could go back and change so many things...but i know that i can't. I just wish that he would see how much i do love him, how sorry i am for everything, and how different things could be between us.
I still can't believe that this is happening. There is still a part of me that feels like this is just a nightmare. I am not looking forward to the next weeks and months, as the time draws closer to put an end to our M. I can't even imagine him not being there. And it hurts, really, really bad.
