Monday morning...a new week. I am so tired. Not looking forward to this week at all. Open house yesterday...got there as it was ending. God, its hard to see a sign on the front lawn of my house, knowing that there will be no new house with my H after this. Did see H yesterday. He called me on his way home from the airport..i was on my way to the house to bring my cats back. H and i talked a bit. He was telling me about his terrible flight home, and that he really didn't enjoy himself in Florida b/c he was so sick. He said "i know what you're thinking." And i said "what?" He said "you're thinking 'good for you'." I said maybe not before, but certainly after receiving the papers. He said "oh, you got them." I said "yes. i didn't realize you hated me so much." He said he didn't hate me. I told him there were things in there that weren't even true, like that we separated in 2003. He said, "i'll change whatever you want." We talked for a bit afterwards. I was being kind of standoffish with him. He hugged me and said "i don't hate you" and then started crying. I told him that i love him and that i would do anything to make this up to him. Gave him the usual speech. Doesn't seem to matter what i said b/c i don't think it makes a difference to him. I did tell him how i thought that he was going to wait until May to file. He said "you should've asked." And i said "you should've told me." He said "told you what?" And i said "umm, told me you saw a lawyer, so i could have been a bit more prepared." He proceeded to say how he had to put something down as the reason for the D and i told him no, he didn't. And he said, "well, what was supposed to say 'oh, it just didn't work'?" And i told him no, that he could have waited until May and filed based on an 18 month separation and he said he still had to put something and i said that no, he didn't, if he had waited until May, it would have been no-fault and there wouldn't need to be anything else. He didn't respond to that. I know i have to call a lawyer, but i just can't. I don't have the energy. This is all just coming so quickly, and all at once. Selling our house and D all at the same time...it is very anxiety producing. I told him how this whole thing just doesn't make any sense...that he can tell me he misses me and how a big piece of him still wants this to work, but then he goes and files. And, how we are both so miserable being apart. I hate this. I have no energy whatsoever. I haven't felt this bad in a very long time. I will see him on Wednesday - we are getting our taxes done. I don't know if there will be any R talk then...probably not. I guess if he doesn't change his mind, i will call a lawyer on Thursday to file my response. Not looking forward to any of this.
Just really tired right now. At work, and i can't wait to go home and just sleep.
