No real plans for the weekend. I was looking forward to going home today, checking on my cats, and then just relaxing. No such luck...my mother is coming up tonight. I just have no desire to entertain anyone. I am going to look at an apartment tomorrow morning...its too expensive, but i have to start somewhere. I sent a bunch of emails today to other people as well, so i will see what happens. I just can't believe that i have to be doing this. The whole thing is so unreal. I guess, though, that i have to accept the reality of what is happening. Sunday is the open house...not looking forward to that either. My H really could have planned things a little better...i mean, selling the house and filing the D papers all at the same time...its a little too much to handle. I am just so sad for the loss of so many things. And i wish with all my heart that i could go back and change things. But, i know that i can't. I just wish my H loved me enough and was committed enough to our M to stick it out. But, i guess he feels that he will happier with ow (and her 2 kids). The whole thing is unbelieveable...did i say that already? I just can't believe that this is my life. How do i let go? I am so used to having my H there. I mean, i know that our R has been different for quite a while now, but i always knew he was there, and i always believed that i could call him up, and he would be there for me. Now, though, i really don't think that is going to happen. I doubt the ow is going to allow him to be friends with me. And it just hurts, really bad, right down to the core of my being. It just isn't fair. Its not fair for any of us. I am amazed sometimes at the number of people who go through this, and the insensitivity of these WAS'. What happens to them that they go through this, and cause so much pain to so many other people? I wish that i could get to a place where i felt content at least. Not necessarily happy, not yet anyway. But, just to a point of acceptance of this is how my life is going to be. I can't. I try to force myself to think "i'll be okay. i'll get a new place to live. i'll meet new people. i will only have to be responsible for myself and my cat." And for a second, i actually believe myself. And then the reality of that comes crashing down and i realize that i don't want to be alone...or rather, i don't want to be without my H, the man that i chose to spend my life with, whom i thought would never want to live without me. What happened to promises and vows? I am not perfect, nobody is. But, i loved my H. I believed that we had a good life. We enjoyed each other's company. I would do anything for just one more night to lay on the couch with him, watching television, and then go to bed and sleep next to him, to wake up with him by my side, smiling like he used to. Is that too much to ask? I just wanted my life to be normal. I wanted it to be how i had planned it to be. And now, all of those plans have gone up in smoke. Is it the end of my life? No, of course not. But, it is the end of a life that i thought i would have. Its hard to let go of those plans, of those thoughts of spending your life with one person, only to have that changed, without your permission. I guess it was too much to ask...to be loved, unconditionally. Does that ever happen? Does anyone ever have a happy ending?
