Thanks NYS for taking the time to respond to me and my rantings.
I am having a hard time separating reality from what goes on in my head. I do tend to have an all or nothing type of thinking. I guess my biggest dilemma was trying to figure out if he did feel the things he has said he felt over the past few weeks. I understand that he goes back and forth. But, i didn't want to think that he was making things up for his own benefit. So, thank you for pointing out that he probably does mean what he says, both the positive and negative.
And yes, i should know by now that this is his problem and not mine. But, facing the receipt of D papers, i can't help but think that there is something wrong with me. I feel rejected, so i focus on my part in all of this, instead of his. By no means do i think he is innocent or perfect. But, knowing that he does not want to be with me makes me just feel less than worthy. I probably shouldn't, but i do.
I do believe that he is confused. Sometimes i forget that he is in pain over this as well. And all along, i kept hoping that he would be able to climb out of the hole he was in and realize that he wasn't ready to be without me. I guess i am attaching too much significance to the actual filing of the papers. But, i can't help but think that we are running out of time...we are kind of nearing the finish line here...not too much of an opportunity to turn around. I know that i don't know what the future holds. But, the fact that we are this much closer to ending our M makes me feel like all hope is lost. I think the things he said in the papers are making me feel that much worse. And i just don't know what is going to happen. What scares me is that he is able to go along, seemingly acting like nothing is wrong, all the while knowing that he had gone and done this. How could i not have known or seen or felt that this was coming? And how could he not have told me that he saw a lawyer?
I know i am just beating this to death...sorry. Thank you for your feedback. I do appreciate it.
