i am trying not to give up...b/c when I do, all hope is lost.

That's not really so.

I just don't want to be in denial. How do I balance that? How can I be realistic and hopeful at the same time? I don't want to continue to be blind to this.

You can be realistic when you accept the reality. You can be hopeful when you give up *unrealistic* hopes and acknowledge that the future is always unwritten and anything can still happen.

How do I know that the things he has said to me are true? And not just him trying to butter me up or something? You know what I mean?

It may be impossible to know right now. Maybe then it's better not to think in those terms, but just let life play out and see what happens that affords a more evident and clear look-see into what is true or not?

He told me in December that we weren't going to be together. But, he also told me that he was still ambivalent and that us working was still a possibility.

I mean, if it were me, I couldn't just say the things that he has said to me over the past few weeks and not mean them.

First of all, he's not you, so he needn't think the same way.

But I tend to think he really means it, but I also think that when he sends you the opposite message, he really means that too. Confusing? I'll explain later*.

when he calls me up at midnite, crying and telling me how much he misses me, and how much he loved me, and how lonely he is - I think that is different.

No, I see that as more of the same pattern. He really means it. But you can't buy into it, because he'll swing to the other extreme.

I just don't want to think that our whole R was a lie.

It doesn't have to be such an "all or nothing at all" outlook on the R's history as in either it was all a lie or not. At some point, it turned. It wasn't all a lie.

And I get sad for the loss of those things, and the loss of a future with this man - he was my soulmate and my best friend and I didn't think it was possible for anybody to love me as much as he did. Where did that all go?

Yep, you're still in denial. As long as you dwell in the past, the past dwells in you, right?

I've taken to seeing these relationships as "chapters" in our lives rather than the expectation of "forevermore"; relationships that last X number of years, not unto death (though as long as you're both alive, the relationship is not over). I think that also is helpful to me, as then seeing that every R can end unexpectedly serves as motivation to render proper care and nurturing to it, instead of a relaxing of the guard.

What is so wrong with me that he doesn't love me enough to want to work this out and stay with me?

Sweetie, you should know by now that the question REALLY is: "What's so wrong with HIM that he doesn't love me enough to want to work this out and stay with me?

* explanation: he's more confused than you think. he wants this, and he wants that, but this and that conflict. And he honestly hurts over it, not knowing what to do to ease his pain. What can you do? Nothing - unless you want to get sucked into more pain - so be lovingly detached.