Thank you PArob- Trust me, i am trying not to give up...b/c when i do, all hope is lost. I just don't want to be in denial. How do i balance that? How can i be realistic and hopeful at the same time? I don't want to continue to be blind to this. How do i know that the things he has said to me are true? And not just him trying to butter me up or something? You know what i mean? He has said to me, all along that he didn't want to lead me on. He told me in December that we weren't going to be together. But, he also told me that he was still ambivalent and that us working was still a possibility. So, he has tried to be honest with me. Maybe it is hard for him too. I often forget that he is hurting too (at least i hope so). I mean, if it were me, i couldn't just say the things that he has said to me over the past few weeks and not mean them. And the things he has said have been things he has initiated...i have not solicited these statements from him. If i asked him "do you miss me" and he said "yes" then i could think that i was just putting him on the spot and what could i expect him to say. But, when he calls me up at midnite, crying and telling me how much he misses me, and how much he loved me, and how lonely he is - i think that is different. Or, maybe i am just gullible. I just don't want to think that our whole R was a lie. And i am finding myself doing that. I never thought he would want to live without me, i was wrong. I certainly never thought he would say the things he has said, wrong again. God, what is the matter with me? I try not to focus on all of the good things in our M, before all of this started. But, i can't help it. I remember so many things about us that are just so wonderful. And i get sad for the loss of those things, and the loss of a future with this man - he was my soulmate and my best friend and i didn't think it was possible for anybody to love me as much as he did. Where did that all go? What is so wrong with me that he doesn't love me enough to want to work this out and stay with me?
