I did think that maybe this information was given to the attorney a while ago, and that he wasn't feeling that way recently. But, if that was the case, then couldn't he have called his attorney and tell him/her to hold off on filing so he could change things? I can't imagine that he thinks i will sign the papers as they are right now. And you know what, it doesn't really matter what they say - I don't want the D at all. It seems as if he was at the attorney at the end of January. To think of everything he has said and done since then, it is unbelieveable to think that this is even happening. Maybe i am just blind and stupid. I know that part of this is my fault - i wasn't really accepting the truth of what was going to happen. I kept thinking he would change his mind, that he wouldn't go through with it, that it wouldn't happen. Obviously i was wrong. So, i know that my denial is a part of the problem. But, the way in which he did it is unreal to me. As i said, if we had been hostile to each other for months and didn't talk regularly, then maybe i could understand this. But, it is the complete opposite of that. Maybe all of his reaching out to me lately and saying things was out of guilt of knowing what was coming. Maybe actually going to the lawyer stirred things up in him, and he had to express it. But, apparently it doesn't matter. To think that he will never hold me again, that we will never ML again. That i will never get phone calls from him, in the middle of the night b/c he is upset or can't sleep. To think that he won't be in my life anymore. I just can't imagine it. I try to figure out why this is happening to me. And there just doesn't seem to be a good reason. I don't understand. I have prayed for so long for him to find his way back to me. How can he have told me, 2 weeks ago, that there is still a big part of him that wants this to work, that wants to be with me? Huh? Does that make any sense? Yes, i know, can't believe anything he says. Hard to do that. When you have trusted someone with your life, how do you go to not believing even the slightest thing that comes out of their mouth? I know that things can still change...the D won't be final for several weeks. But, i can't hold out hope anymore...look where it has gotten me. I just love him so much. And i wish this wasn't happening.
