H just called and left me a message. He said he was calling to check in and to let me know that i might be getting "papers" in the mail re: our situation. He wanted to let me know that so that i wasn't "blindsided." He is not aware that i know already. I just called him back - his cell phone is off - left him a message. I told him that i had gotten his message, and that i imagine the papers he was referring to were D papers, but that i hadn't gotten anything yesterday, maybe today. I also said that i had thought he was going to tell me that he was planning on a seeing a lawyer and filing, before doing so, but that i guess it didn't matter, and that we would talk when he got back.
I guess i was hoping that he would change his mind while he was away. Not a chance of that happening now. I don't know what to do. I had been hoping that this really wouldn't happen...that he would realize he didn't want to lose me. But, i was wrong. All of his claims to have loved me so much are meaningless right now...i don't believe him. I don't want to lose him, but i don't know what to do. I am feeling very anxious right now. I can't believe he would let this happen while he was away, and that he would tell me over the phone - in a message no less. I can't believe how insensitive he is being. After everything that has happened with us, i thought he would be a bit more considerate of my feelings...maybe tell me in person, before he left. For god's sake, we were together on Thursday night...he could have said something then. Everything is just a mess. I just want to stop hurting, but i don't know if that will ever happen. It doesn't seem like there will ever be an end to my hurt. I can't believe that he would rather give me up, then try to work this out. I'm glad this is so easy for him. How could he do this? I don't want to live without him...i don't want anybody else. I just want my H and our life that we planned on 8 years ago. He was supposed to be the father of my children. He was my family. And i feel like i have nothing. I don't think i can do this...i can't survive this. I want to hate him, but i can't. I love him too much. And i don't understand why that doesn't matter to him. I guess he thinks he will be happier with ow. How could he do this? How could he do this to me? To us?
