I have been trying to stop attaching my own meaning to this. I think that i am in such disbelief at the way my H did it, as opposed to the fact that he actually did it. I feel like everything over the past weeks and months have been a lie, or part of his plan. Be nice to me so he can get what he wants - the D. I just can't believe that he would do it this way - he could have just waited. Sometimes i think that maybe he didn't tell me for fear of my reaction. But, he has to know that i wouldn't last out at him. There is a part of me that is angry. But, the bigger part of me is really hurt that he could say those things. I know that things change on a daily basis. And i have read stories on here of people who were actually at the courthouse, right before finalizing the D, and they worked things out. So, i know that this is not necessarily the end. I just can't get out of my head the things he said. If our R had been hostile up to this point, then i wouldn't be surprised by this. But, it hasn't been that way. We've been getting along, talk almost every day, spend some time together - i feel like i have been hit by a ton of bricks. I just don't know what the truth is anymore. I am so afraid that this is going to get ugly when i deny some of the charges he has made. I don't necessarily want to contest the D, or fight about money. I just can't sign something that says those things. I can't believe he would want me to. Not after everything he has said and done over the past weeks. We have been intimate, and i keep wondering if that was all a ruse as well.
I will try to focus on myself and what i am going to do now. Its so hard, b/c all i really want to do is climb into a hole. God, this sucks.
