Hi. I'm in no shape to be offering advice to you right now, but I do understand the problem with finding an apt. that isn't a dump but accepts cats. I'm in the same boat. It's awful.
I don't know what to say to you; your H. says so many sweet things to you; mine hasn't done that in such a long time. I still see a lot of hope for your marriage, esp. when compared to mine. Maybe selling the house IS a good thing. Try to think of it as a positive, maybe. Like you said, it could be a fresh start.
I am thinking of you. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, things could work out for me and my H. Apparently, I was very wrong...
I learned today that my H has seen a lawyer and filed for D based on "extreme cruelty." The reasons he has given for the "extreme cruelty" are terribly hurtful, and some aren't even true. The basis for his complaint is my struggle with depression for several years throughout our M, and the toll it took on our M. I can't even write what some of the things are....it was so hurtful. Add to that, the fact that he saw a lawyer and filed without telling me, despite me begging him months ago to tell me when he was going to file so that i would be prepared. Guess he ignored that request. Needless to say, my mind is swirling. I am sick to my stomach. I will definitely need to take something to help me sleep. I am just amazed. All of the things he has said to me over the past weeks, all the while, planning the D. There is a part of me that is in shock, despite knowing that this is what he wanted. I guess i hoped that there was still a chance...guess i was wrong.
On a side note, he did call me this afternoon. We talked for a while...the usual BS and laughter. It is so weird, b/c i still feel such a connection b/w us...guess i was wrong about that too. Its strange, i am upset, and i cried for a while, but i am numb too...in disbelief maybe.
I guess it is time for me to move on now, despite it not being what i want to do. But, what i want doesn't seem to matter...interesting, since it it my life.
OMG, lmdi, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. What a terrible way to find out that he filed. Did you have the conversation before or after you found out about the D? I am also wondering how long ago he actually filed - ie: how long btw him filing and your receiving the papers? Could it be that after he actually went through with it was when he began saying all of the super sweet things to you? Perhaps he filed in a similar fashion to how our WAS seem to do everything else - Impulsively, and without much thought of the consequences. Maybe after he did it he immediately began to feel the regret. Just trying to put an idea out there that could possible link the sweetness and the D, an maybe lessen the confusion. But I realize it is speculation, and that never gets us anywhere good right? I just feel so bad - I was so excited to read the post before this and so this one was shocking- I can only imagine how you are feeling. You are in my thoughts, and just remember, nothing is written in stone. There is always hope. Take care.
your H sounds like he is really messed up and really does not know what he wants at the moment... Filing for D, but still expressing how much he feels for does not make sense?? Sounds like he just goes on impulse each day as to how he is feeling...
You need to detach....as quick as possible... What i mean is still be poilite and friendly to your H but stop the R talks and the emotions talks.. If he tells you how he feels then just say ' thank you' but dont return the comment... Start GALing as much as possible... Let your H see that your getting a life and enjoying it without him... Dont make a point of pushing him away, just start doing more things for yourself and on your own... Park him to one side if that makes sense... Make your own life a priority now instead of H being your priority... Trust me it works........ Your H will sort himself out, it may take a long time, but this is something he has to do by himself... The quicker you can GAL then the quicker you will start to see small results...
Thanks Flutter- Actually, I didn't get the papers, but i know they were filed and what they say. I thought that maybe, he saw the lawyer and got the process started, but now is having second thoughts. But, i don't want to live in denial anymore. I am not sure when to expect to receive my copy of the papers. This just doesn't seem real. Driving to work this morning, trying not to get into an accident as tears were streaming down my face, i couldn't help but wonder what the hell has been going on for the past few weeks. I mean, 2 1/2 weeks ago, he's telling me how much he misses me. And just last week, he felt that i was dismissing him about something and was hurt and he said to me "let's try to be nice to each other." Sure, not a problem for me. But, he says this, all the while knowing that this was coming. I am not sure what to do. I am not signing the papers the way they are currently written. So, i guess that means that i have to contest it, which i really didn't want to do. I mean, 2 weeks ago, we have a conversation about selling the house, and he tells me "i didn't want you to be blindsided" - what the hell does he think this is? Part of me wonders if he filed on these grounds thinking i would contest it, and then he could tell ow that i am refusing to give him a D. But, i can't speculate...not helpful.
I am just amazed. All i have been hearing for weeks is how much he cares about me and what a sweet person i am (he even said it yesterday). How is that possible when he said such terrible things about me? And i don't understand why he just didn't wait another 3 months and file for a "no-fault" divorce. I am so confused. I don't know what to think or believe anymore.
I am in terrible pain this morning...this doesn't seem real. I know that it is not unexpected, but he could have been more upfront about it. I need to find out what happens next...now that he has filed a complaint with the courts, how soon before i am served? And, am i served by the courts or his lawyer? And does he have a say in when i am served? Anybody have any ideas?
I can't believe this is my life. How can he tell me how he wished he had never wasted one minute with me, all the while knowing he said all of these things? I'll never understand it.
Thank you c1t - i appreciate your feedback. I know that you are right. But, i just feel so awful. And detaching will be so difficult for me. I am not even sure that it matters anymore. I have been DBing in an effort to save my M...it obviously didn't help. I feel defeated.
I kept hoping that my H would sort himself out. But, we've been separated for 15 months now...i don't know how much more time he needs. And i don't know if it matters.
I will try to do as you suggested. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I too am dumbfounded and truly saddened by this news. I am so sorry.
It's funny, I just had a thought, not a unique one, but it is to me. Doesn't all this seem so complicated to us? We thing about all these things, read all this stuff, learn about ourselves, understand so much about the complexity of life and our M, and really search our souls to find the strength and love to carry on. Meanwhile, to our WAS, it is so simply just a case of "I don't want to be there anymore." I think what we do when we DB is shift the scale. We bear SO much of the burden of thought/feeling about all this that when we DB/GAL/Detach, we make THEM start to take on some of the burden of contemplation. Does this make sense? Right now your H has been acting on his narrow view of things that was shaped by his wanting to get out. He had the luxury of focusing on what he thought would make him happy, while you were left behind to focus on what made you sad. By taking the advice to GAL and detach immediately, you are shifting the burden a bit, tipping the scales, making him really face the wider view of what his decision will mean. Also, of course, it will help you start to move on in the event he follows through with the process. Unfortunately you no longer get to base what you do on how he feels. You are now forced to consider the reality of what he is doing without some the hope you had, but that's not to say all hope is gone. There is still hope and you can take solace in the fact that he still interacts with you positively despite all this. You can take solace in it, but then move on. He is denying whatever feelings he has for you by filing so you MUST deny him the benefit of your positive reaction to whatever he tells you. I think you are a very strong, intelligent woman who will find the way to make this work for YOU. It is terrible and heartbreaking, but also, in time, it may be liberating and full of promise. I know it seems like that is impossible, but so too did the idea that the daily crying and pain of the initial bomb drop would ease up over time. This too will heal. Please take care of yourself and I will be thinking of you often.
I feel awful this morning. I feel so stupid for believing all the kind things my H has been saying to me for weeks and months. How could he do this? I just don't understand it. I feel like everything he has said to me has been a lie, that he was trying to lull me into complacency before hitting me with this. I just don't understand it. And i can't believe that he really thinks i am going to agree to the D based on what he has written. I just wish he had at least told me he was seeing a lawyer. We have had 2 R talks over the past few weeks, both seeming to be after he saw the lawyer. Why not bring it up at either of those times? When we were talking about selling the house, my H made a comment about maybe it was time to put an end to this purgatory we have been in. But, he certainly didn't sound like he had already started that process. In fact, he even said that night that there is still a big part of him that wants to work this out, as he stood there crying, with tears streaming down his face. I have such a hard time understanding how he can say and do nice things, and then do this. Maybe he is a sociopath. Doesn't make me feel any better. I mean, lets just think about his statement "i wished i never wasted a minute with you." How can he say that, and feel that, and yet think i am this horribly, cruel person? If the situation were reversed, i would never say those things about him. We went to a mediator in an effort to keep this civil b/w us...guess that went right out the window. I just feel like everything has been a lie. And i can't understand how someone that is supposed to love you could do something like this. It hurts...really bad.
If its any consolation my and my H have been seperated for 2 years on 1st march, and its only these past few months we have started getting anywhere and he has started to show signs of wanting to get anywhere... AND that is really all becuase I GAL'd - BIG TIME!!!
I know how bad you feel at the moment but trust me only you can bring yourself out of it... Look at your choices... 1) keep DBting and be miserable OR 2) keep BDting and enjoy urself??
which is more appealing....
You can keep D Bing BUT just start enjoying yourself again.. Go our with your friends... start a new hobby... Anything!!
For me i started going out with friends at a weekend... We had a laugh, had a few beers and yes, I got some attention of other men, even though I was not interested, it sure does give you a boost and stops you obessessing over H's....
Give it a try - please?? its time to make yourself happy again , becuase your H isnt going to do it for you...
Thanks GH- In my head, i know that what you are saying makes complete sense. My heart, though, is another story. Maybe it would be easier to GAL if I had friends to go out with. Unfortunately, all of my close friends have children...the youngest being 1 week old, the oldest being 18 months. So, they are all busy with their lives. So, here i sit, miserable, wanting to go out and do something, but having no one to do it with.
I will try, i promise. Sometimes, though, it is just easier to wallow in my own pain.
