Tuesday morning...glad to be back at work...too many days at home is a bad thing for me.
So, i decided that my H is not a sociopath. I spoke about the whole thing with my C last night...he thought it was kind of a harsh statement to make. So, i did feel a bit better after talking to him.
Didn't speak to my H at all on Sunday...i did call him Sunday night, as he was going away on business on Monday. Left him a message on his cell phone. Did not hear from him all day Monday, which upset me and made me mad. Of course, i thought that he was avoiding me. I figured that he was going to be away with ow...either he wasn't going to the conference like he said he was, or he was going and she was going with him. Needless to say, by last night, i had all kinds of thoughts flying through my head. And i was pissed that he hadn't even bothered to call me to tell me he was leaving. My phone rang last night about 11:30...it was him, calling from home. Apparently, he got the days mixed up and he was leaving this morning. He said he had been busy all day yesterday doing things around the house in preparation for the open house on Sunday. He apologized for not calling me sooner. We talked for awhile. He seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong. He said he was just remembering all the other trips he had taken, and how i used to hug him good-bye, and that he wished he had never gone on any of those trips. I asked him why...he said b/c he wished he hadn't wasted one minute with me. I told him how i hated whenever he went away, and how happy i would be when he came home...that when i would see him, it was like seeing him for the first time. He told me he loved me so much...i told him that i loved him so much too, and that i still did. I told him he was my best friend, and that i missed him so much. He asked me if i could feel him hugging me, and i said yes. He asked me if i needed anything from him right then...and i said, the same thing i need every day and night...just him. When we were getting off the phone, he said he was kissing me on the head. And that he would call me when he landed. I was relieved that he hadn't just taken off without telling me. And although i felt bad that he was so sad, i was hoping that maybe it was stirring things in him...maybe reminding him how much he missed me, and how he used to hate being away from me. I keep hoping that this trip could be helpful for us...i don't know.
I talked to my mother yesterday...told her the house was going on the market. She said that it was probably better off, that we didn't have many happy memories there anyway. And, she said that if we did work things out, maybe it would be better not to be there. That was the first time that she has ever even entertained the possibility that things could be worked out. She usually is just like "good riddance." So, that was helpful to hear.
I don't know how i feel. I am sad to be selling the house, but maybe it could be a fresh start for us. I don't know. I called apartments yesterday...what a nightmare that is going to be....finding someplace affordable, that isn't a dump, but that accepts cats...not looking forward to it.
Thats about it in a nutshell. Of course, i am afraid that my H left D papers at the house for me...but, i have to stop with these thoughts that i make up out of nowhere. Not helpful.
