As someone who likes Feng Shui a little too much I would never make fun of a medium. The thing to remember is that if she is any good at her job she is reading things from you. It is possible that much of what she told you she picked up from how you were seeing things. And, if she thought of your aunt as someone in a mothering role not liking your H she would be correct wouldn't she?
In thinking it over I actually think she was right on. She may not have gotten all the details right but she did one thing. She forced you to see the negative in your H as well as the positive. That's an important thing for you to see because if you are ever going to move forward you need to see him as he is.
Maybe that's also what she means that he wants to come back but you shouldn't let him. Your H seems like he wants to slip back into old patterns and that's not OK. I think it's entirely possible that you could remarry--that is remarry your H as a different changed man as you are now a different changed woman.
Of course this is just my take on it and it proves you can see anything you want to see if you look at it from the right angle.
Oh, and as he seems to be pursuing you a bit lately be careful not to accept all of his attempts. Make him chase you but don't run so fast he will think he doesn't have a chance to catch you.
Hey SS- Thanks for replying. You gave me something to think about regarding the psychic reading things from me. There are certainly times that i have felt that my H is manipulative and controlling. I don't know about the sociopath thing, though. And she was completely wrong about how my mother felt about him...even my best friend said that last night when i told her what she said. Yes, it is possible that she was reading what my aunt is thinking and feeling, b/c a lot of things she said, my aunt has said to me.
She did give me a lot to think about. I know that my H has his faults...i do recognize the negative in him. But, i also think it is only natural to think of the positive things as well.
Last night, i went to my house to pick up my diploma...luckily it was exactly where i thought it was. When i got there, H was upstairs doing work. When i saw him, he told me how nice i looked and asked about my nails (i had just come from my nail appointment). He said he had called me to tell me he was making ravioli's for us for dinner. We went to the kitchen and one thing led to another, and we ended up back in our bedroom. I got several "i miss you's." After, we went back to the kitchen to make dinner together (which he suggested). But, he started acting a little weird. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't feel well...i immediately knew he was having heart palpitations (he has a heart problem). Anyway, he really didn't feel well and we ended up not eating b/c he felt really nauseous and couldn't stomach the smell of the food. So, i ended up leaving. I have to say, i felt like crap. He called me a little while later to apologize and he told me he really felt sick to his stomach. I am hoping that was the truth.
So, that was that. It was a nice evening, that was unfortunately cut short. It would have been nice to have dinner together as a H and W. But, i do think it was positive.
No big plans for the long weekend....going to see the spiritual medium tonight with a bunch of friends (she does this public forum thing - like John Edwards)...hopefully i won't get picked. And then probably out for drinks. I am looking forward to it.
Imdi, Interesting about the medium. I have never been to someone like that. I have to tell you from what you wrote I think she was totally picking up your aunt in the “mothering” role, because you do live with your aunt, and she does have negative feelings re: your husband. I’d look at it not so much as the title (aunt vs. mother) but the role she plays in your life right now. I can’t say if she was right about what she said about your H. as only you really know him. It doesn’t surprise me that she spoke negatively about him, but I don’t know about the narcissistic personality description; seems a psychologist would be in order! If you believe in this kind of thing, then it should bring a little hope your way that she sees you remarried and with a child! I wish I could help you with advice in regards to all your H’s calls. My H. can act the same way at times and I don’t understand it, either. They want what they want when they want it…that’s probably what it is. Imdi, I do hope that your situation improves for you; I know you have been suffering through a lot of pain for a long time. I totally understand how you feel, and no one can change your heart. I pray your H. wakes up and realizes soon what a wonderful wife he has waiting for him, and he decides to start doing something to save his marriage. Thinking of you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thank you hope...it is very kind of you to stop by my thread when i know that you are going through so much with your own sitch.
I can definitely see why she might have picked up on my aunt being my "mother." And like i said, so many things that she said, my aunt has said to me. It was very hard to swallow, though, when she told me that my H could be a sociopath. I think i can deal with a narcissist. When i mentioned to her that my H used to do things with my mother, just the 2 of them, she said of course he did...he needed to learn as much about my relationship with my mother so he could sever it, as he wanted me all to himself. and that he isolated me from my family. But, that wasn't really true. He always went to family functions with me with no complaint (unless it was on a sunday during football season). He also hung out with certain members of my family on his own (like my cousin's husband). There would be no reason to try to sever that R. So, some of what she said i really didn't believe. At any rate, i have been thinking a lot about what she said, as painful as it was to hear. It was interesting though that she never mentioned anything about an ow. The interesting thing was, when we first sat down, she said my grandmother was there and that my grandmother was saying something like "why aren't you married, but what's the rush to get married." And i was like, i am married, but separated. So, she said oh, i read it wrong...this is an on-again, off-again R...and that it was "what was the rush to get married?" I think i might have volunteered too much information that she could have used...i never should have said anything about being separated and see what she said. But, too late now.
Hope - are you doing anything for yourself this weekend? I hope so. I've been thinking about going to the spa for a massage...i could use it!
Thinking of you and hope that you are doing well, or as best as you can be doing given this sitch.
Imdi, Hi. Nothing planned tonight. I am still anticipating speaking w/H. in person tomorrow. Once I do that I will figure out the rest of my week from there. I might go see my family for a couple of days. You should go for the massage. That sounds great. Maybe I will have to book one for myself sometime. Never had one. Thank you for asking about me, Imdi. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like I’m being pushed off the side of a cliff. I really don’t want a D. but one of the things H. said to me the other day was that if he had to be the “bad guy” then he would have to do it. Meaning, if I’m not going to file, then he will have to because we cannot continue to live like this. I will keep up with you; I hope your situation goes a lot better than mine, Imdi. You seem to have a lot more positives than I do, so keep fighting for the love you believe in and know is there. Don’t give up until you feel ready, if that ever happens. If it makes you happy to believe in a chance, then believe. Love, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope- Keep me updated if you do speak with your H tomorrow...i will be thinking about you.
And definitely book a massage for yourself some place...they are great!
Hope, you need to do what you feel is right for you, both in your heart and in your head, when you are ready. If you are not ready to file, then don't do it. Be true to yourself and what you want. That being said, you also have to let your H fall on his face and pick himself back up, as hard as that is. I know that you are hurting, both for yourself and for him. But, he is an adult and his actions got him into this mess. Now, he is going to have to face the consequences and deal with the repurcussions. As much as you care for him, he won't allow himself to feel it or accept it, for whatever reason. He seems to be fighting a lot of demons, that were probably there long before you 2 even met.
Thank you for saying that you see a lot of positives in my sitch. I do too, but i sometimes wonder if i just see what i want to see. I don't want to go along, thinking there still is a chance, and then by blindsided when i receive D papers. And what makes it especially hard now is the things that the psychic said to me the other night. She really made me question so many things, and i wonder if he ever loved me and what his intentions/motives are now. Maybe she was just picking up on the doubts that i have had over the past few years since all of this drama started...i don't know. I am going to see another one (yes, i am a glutton for punishment) and see what she has to say.
My heart does ache for you hope - i wish you didn't have to go through this. But remember the support you have here. I also wanted to say that i know how hard it was for you to start calling about apartments...i started looking yesterday as well, but i haven't made any calls yet. Where are you planning on going?
We still have to try to get together one day..that would be fun.
Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I have not spent a lot of time on the BB lately but will have more time once I finish a big project in a few weeks.
I have been following your thread. Lots of great dialogue going on. The talk of detatchment hit home with me. I had read the definition before but it never "clicked".
Hope your medium outing this weekend will be more fun than the one with that woman. Quite honestly I think it is downright irresponsible/unethical to say that your H is a sociopath and that even his hanging our with you mother was part of his plan. I understand that saying something like that is WAY more interesting than saying that he is lost/confused and making a huge mess of his life!!
I am not trying to makeou H out as some victim but a sociopath????? Come on!
Sorry for my anger but I want to bop that woman on the head for giving you negative energy and words like that!!!! (John Edwards would NEVER do that , IMO! )
Big Hug to you, Lmdi!!! Nice job on GALing!!! Hope you enjoy your weekend!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Hey brava- Thanks for stopping by. I have been thinking so much about what the medium said to me. As you can imagine, it is still bothering me. I took out my DSM today and looked up narcissistic personality disorder, actually all of the personality disorders, and my H did not fit the criteria. Sure, there were some things that sounded similar, but not nearly enough to qualify for that diagnosis. I have decided that my H is not a sociopath. It is a huge jump from being manipulative (isn't everybody) to being a sociopath. I don't doubt that my H has been less than honest over the past several months, but i don't think that means he is wacky or a nut.
Lots of great dialogue going on. Did you mean between me and my H? or with others on the boards?
Actually, the medium i saw last night was the same one i saw who said all that bad stuff. She didn't choose me out of the audience, but there was another girl there that she chose and she told her some of the same exact things that she told me...thought that was interesting.
Spent the day today with my kitties...will have a lot of time with them next week, as H will be away on business.
Our first open house will be on the 26th...not looking forward to it. I am anticipating that we will get an offer on our house shortly after that, which means our house could be gone as soon as April. Interesting that it could coincide with the 18 month mark of our separation...perhaps my H is trying to tie up all of the loose ends at the same time. Not looking forward to it. I just keep telling myself that a lot could happen in 8 days and that just b/c the house goes on the market, doesn't mean we can't take it off if we decide to. Just trying to take it one day at a time.
Did speak with H today...i called him this morning to confirm my visit, since we didn't speak yesterday. He called me several hours later...i imagine it was to find out if i was still at our house, which i was, but was actually getting ready to leave. Guess i won't see him before he leaves on Monday. I am hoping that maybe this trip will give him some time to think. He will be in a Florida, which was a favorite vacation spot of ours (took our first vacation there, as well as went there on part of our honeymoon)...maybe it will stir up good memories.
Anyway, just getting ready to go to bed. Trying to figure out what to do tomorrow...shopping? But, i do need to save money...we'll see.
glad that you are not letting the medium's words get to you. How insightful of you to see and acknowledge the "humanness" of your H's behavior. It does not mean it is ok but in the end we are all flawed and confused human beings at times. (I see that so much in my H at the moment. Even my DB coach said the other day that it is pretty sad how my H is struggling. I agree... doesn't mean that I dont want to hit him over the head with a 2x4 on a daily basis!! )
I was referring to your thread about the great dialogue.
Let me say though that I am so impressed with how you are handling the whole house thing.
Quote: Just trying to take it one day at a time.
... couldn't have said it better myself!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Tuesday morning...glad to be back at work...too many days at home is a bad thing for me.
So, i decided that my H is not a sociopath. I spoke about the whole thing with my C last night...he thought it was kind of a harsh statement to make. So, i did feel a bit better after talking to him.
Didn't speak to my H at all on Sunday...i did call him Sunday night, as he was going away on business on Monday. Left him a message on his cell phone. Did not hear from him all day Monday, which upset me and made me mad. Of course, i thought that he was avoiding me. I figured that he was going to be away with ow...either he wasn't going to the conference like he said he was, or he was going and she was going with him. Needless to say, by last night, i had all kinds of thoughts flying through my head. And i was pissed that he hadn't even bothered to call me to tell me he was leaving. My phone rang last night about 11:30...it was him, calling from home. Apparently, he got the days mixed up and he was leaving this morning. He said he had been busy all day yesterday doing things around the house in preparation for the open house on Sunday. He apologized for not calling me sooner. We talked for awhile. He seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong. He said he was just remembering all the other trips he had taken, and how i used to hug him good-bye, and that he wished he had never gone on any of those trips. I asked him why...he said b/c he wished he hadn't wasted one minute with me. I told him how i hated whenever he went away, and how happy i would be when he came home...that when i would see him, it was like seeing him for the first time. He told me he loved me so much...i told him that i loved him so much too, and that i still did. I told him he was my best friend, and that i missed him so much. He asked me if i could feel him hugging me, and i said yes. He asked me if i needed anything from him right then...and i said, the same thing i need every day and night...just him. When we were getting off the phone, he said he was kissing me on the head. And that he would call me when he landed. I was relieved that he hadn't just taken off without telling me. And although i felt bad that he was so sad, i was hoping that maybe it was stirring things in him...maybe reminding him how much he missed me, and how he used to hate being away from me. I keep hoping that this trip could be helpful for us...i don't know.
I talked to my mother yesterday...told her the house was going on the market. She said that it was probably better off, that we didn't have many happy memories there anyway. And, she said that if we did work things out, maybe it would be better not to be there. That was the first time that she has ever even entertained the possibility that things could be worked out. She usually is just like "good riddance." So, that was helpful to hear.
I don't know how i feel. I am sad to be selling the house, but maybe it could be a fresh start for us. I don't know. I called apartments yesterday...what a nightmare that is going to be....finding someplace affordable, that isn't a dump, but that accepts cats...not looking forward to it.
Thats about it in a nutshell. Of course, i am afraid that my H left D papers at the house for me...but, i have to stop with these thoughts that i make up out of nowhere. Not helpful.
(John Edwards would NEVER do that , IMO! 
)