You had mentioned to look up the Infedility forum yet I do not see one Could you please advcie Thanks
Going thru a very bad time. Suppose I deserve it as Ihad gone and cheated on wive. Was it worth it, NO WAY! Want so badly to try and make things right but to no avail.
I'm with you on the lying. Who do our WASs think they are? Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men? When I first told my H I knew about OW#1 he said he thought we had a deal to not tell each other about it as it would just hurt the other person and be unloading guilt. I told him that did not apply to serious love affairs when you're considering leaving your W. Then he said he was trying to protect me by not telling me.
Hockey, I think she was referring to the book "Surviving Infidelity."
where may I find this book, I live in Canada Thanks
Going thru a very bad time. Suppose I deserve it as Ihad gone and cheated on wive. Was it worth it, NO WAY! Want so badly to try and make things right but to no avail.
Hockey- You can try amazon for the book Surviving Infidelity. Right now, i can't think of who wrote it, but you'll find it if you search by the title.
You asked if there was something that i read that helped me with my ability to forgive. I've read a lot of books, in an effort to help myself through this ordeal. But, none of them really helped me with my decision to forgive my H. I think it is just the love i have for him, and the commitment that i have to my M. My feeling is that nobody is perfect and people make mistakes, even huge ones like having an A. And i think that everyone deserves a second chance. If a person is remorseful for what they have done, and are willing to work on the issues in their R, then i believe that forgiveness is possible.
When my H and I first separated over a year ago, i told my family - who were questioning this decision - that i would have no regrets when it came to saving my M. I didn't want to wake up one day down the road and regret anything. And so, here i sit, 15 months later. My family thinks i'm crazy for holding on, but they don't truly understand.
Forgiveness is a choice, and is not the same as forgetting. And that is an important difference. Forgiveness does not mean that one is excusing the behavior or condoning it. But, it is also not an easy thing to do. However, i feel that holding a grudge takes a lot more energy than forgiving does. And who has time to waste on being mad?
I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on your entire sitch, but i will try to do that today. If you haven't gotten Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy, get one of them and read it. It is amazing. Search amazon for other books as well...there are a lot of great ones out there. Love must be tough by James Dobson is another good one.
If you are committed to working on your M, then you probably have a long road ahead of you. It took a long time to get you to this place and it will take just as long to fix it. You will find that your patience will be tested. But, fortitude is a must.
As i said, allow your W some time to work through this. There is a saying that i found on here that i think is so appropriate - i have it posted on my computer screen: "you cannot talk your way out of something you behaved yourself into." Actions speak louder than words. Give your W time, but make sure that you are behaving in a way that shows her how sorry you are and how precious she is to you.
Wednesday morning...day after the V-day, and i survived...we all did. Not as bad as i thought!
Not much is new here. My H did call me yesterday afternoon...he wished me a Happy Valentines Day. Chatted and laughed...as we usually do. Didn't know if i would hear from him last evening, as i assumed he was with ow. He did call me about 7:30...he was watching something on tv and thought of me. He was at home when he called. So, i don't know if he spent any time with her yesterday. I had figured if he was, that i wouldn't hear from him at all...he tends to avoid me during these times. And it was somewhat of a relief to know that he was home at some point last night. I was tempted to drive by my house to see if he stayed home, but i didn't really feel well. And, frankly, i didn't really feel like it...what would that have done for me, except make me feel worse?
So, things continue along with us. My H is so odd...i can't tell you the last time that i initiated contact with him...weeks at least. Yet, he continues to call me...i'll never figure it out.
Anyway, i probably should get some work done today...late to work this morning and i have to leave early.
Yes, we did indeed survive. I think you did a really good job resisting the urge to drive by, however, your entire mood still seemed hinged on what he was doing or not, and if he called, etc. I can't blame you, I do the same, but we both know that it's not right. I am just glad that things worked out so that you had an ok day. It could have been very bad for a lot of us (and it was for some) but all-in-all, I think we did ok.
Thanks GH- I don't think that my mood hinged on what my H was doing or if he called...but, i could be wrong. It was just another day. It actually went better than i thought it would...no tears! I was a little sad...it would have been nice to get a card or something, but i kept my expectations very low.
I read on here about all of the H's who went out and got things for their WAW's, and i can't help but wonder what the f... is wrong with my H?!? It made me feel, for just a minute, that i wasn't worth fighting for. But, it was a fleeting thought. Still, would have been nice to get a piece of candy or something.
Here's my dilemma...i need to go to my house tonight to look for my grad school diploma - my job needs it (why now, i don't know, since i've been there for 2 years). Anyway, i am hesitant to call my H...i don't want to be pursuing. But, i do need it. I guess i could wait until my weekend visit, but HR did ask me to look for it tonight (and they are not aware that i do not live at home). Do you think it is okay to call?
If you absolutely need your diploma by all means, call your H and ask him if he minds if you swing by and pick it up. And then just swing by. In and out without getting into anything.
Of course it would probably be better if you could wait until your visit. I don't know what your HR dept is like, but it seems you could tell them you're not sure which storage box it is in, or that it's in the attic, at your relative's house or something else but should be able to find it over the weekend. It's odd that they even want it. Wouldn't a transcript be better? Do you know why they need it?
Anyway it seems like your H is slowly starting to do a little chasing. He may consider that you're using your diploma as an excuse to see him and he may be right. Am I wrong about this?
He may consider that you're using your diploma as an excuse to see him and he may be right. Am I wrong about this?
I'm not using the diploma as an excuse to see him. I am not sure why they need it...i did just get a mini-promotion, so maybe they need it for my new job title...i don't know. I would wait until the weekend, but the woman from HR asked me to look for it last night. So, i kind of feel like there is a little urgency. But, i ended up not calling him yesterday. Spoke to him already today...and i feel miserable.
Last night, I went to see this spiritual medium. Basically, she talks to dead people and then reports on what they are saying. So, i go there, and immediately my grandmother shows up and starts talking to her. To make a very long story short, the woman started talking about my R and my H and proceeded to tell me what a nut he is...that he has a serious personality disorder, like narcissistic personality disorder or is a sociopath (!). She said all kinds of horrible things that i really did not want to hear. Basically, that he is not the person i thought he was, and that i overlooked a lot of things when we were dating and only saw the good, b/c he was very good at putting on a show. He was very charming, etc., and then after we got married, everything changed within that first year (that wasn't really the case...things changed between us after we were married for about 4 years). She also said he was manipulative and controlling. Anyway, i am very upset about this. I know it sounds crazy, but i can't get her words out of my head. She did say that i would remarry and she sees me with a child. She also said that he would want to come back, but that i shouldn't let him. There were other things she said that i did disagree with. She told me my mother never liked my H, which is totally not true and i told her that. She then said something about going out and asking her (my aunt came with me). I told her that wasn't my mother. She said well, she's like a mother to you (which she is). But, shouldn't she have known that she wasn't my mother? I don't know. Plus, my mother loved my H...sometimes i thought she liked him better than me. I woke up at like 3 this morning, with her words racing through my head and i felt horrible.
I noticed this morning that my H called me last night around 11:00...i never heard my phone ring. When i got to work, i checked my email and there were 2 emails from him. The second one said that he had tried to call me several times yesterday and last night b/c he needed to talk to me. I called him this morning and left a message on his cell phone. And then i just called him at work. He sounded pissed off, which i pointed out to him. He said "no more than usual." He said he was busy and asked if he could call me later...i said yes, but asked what he wanted to talk about. He said "nothing earth shattering...just organizational stuff." So, i don't know what that could mean.
I just don't get my H. He wants the D, but if he can't reach me, he gets pissed off. God, i am so exhausted by all of this. He and i had been getting along pretty well over the past months. And now he is all mad for no reason.
Anyway, that's my craziness for today. Feel free to make jokes about the spiritual medium. God, i hate this.
H called me back. We chatted a bit. His mood seemed to lift after talking to me for awhile. I asked again about stopping by the house tonight to get my diploma...he said that was fine. I told him i would be there around 7. He asked me what i was doing about dinner. Told him that my aunt and uncle wouldn't be around tonight, so there would be no dinner there, and that i had thought about stopping at the store and picking up a box of pop-tarts (this has been a favorite dinner of mine in the past). He said "i'll have food for you at the house." So, i don't know if that means he will be cooking dinner for us, or if he will just leaving something there for me. He kind of changed his tune from earlier today. He said he had called me last night b/c he had fallen asleep and woke up and was feeling anxious. So, i guess he called to talk. But, he also mentioned that he had called me 3 times before that and my phone had been off. So, i wonder if that is what he was feeling anxious about.
