I was thinking of almost the same thing...how do we be happy when all we want is for our H's to be with us. I know that they are not our lives...but, when i got married, our lives did intertwine...does that make sense? How do you go from planning your life to be one way - with your H - to planning it to be a completely unexpected way? I am not prepared for this, b/c i never thought i would have to be. The whole thing just really sucks!
Imdi,
I completely agree with you. This is a huge mental block to me too. When I got married, I did not do it because I wanted my W to be a placeholder until the REAL right woman came along. I got married and started my "intertwined" life with the woman I loved. Now I am expected to just understand all this and make myself ok with it?
As for your fear of detachment, I understand that too but if you remember my thread awhile back when NYS and I were going back and forth, you should remember that detachment does not mean you stop caring. It does not mean you stop loving. It just means you stop giving in to the self defeating reactions to his "stuff". I found that the few times I have been successful in detaching from my W's issues and emotions since this began, I was BETTER able to be there for her and more importantly, be there for ME. She noticed too because my normal "puppy dog waiting for a bone" routine was not there. I don't know what she thought of it, but I bet it was not negative. Really, detaching in your case just means to stop hanging on every thing he does. It's the hardest thing we have to do, but one of the most beneficial, for all involved. Give it a test run. Figure out were you are emotionally right now then tell yourself that no matter what he says or does next time you see him, you will not react. You will only validate and maintain your center. Don't let him "take" you anywhere emotionally. It takes practice, and I sure as hell don't do well with it, but I know what I need to do and I am doing better. Action is the key with all this. You know that and so do I. I have faith. You can do it.
