Hope and flutter- Thanks for your posts on my old thread...hope you find me here....
Hope: I, too, have moments when i can't believe this is my life. I keep thinking that this wasn't supposed to happen. But, i guess we just never know what life will throw at us. It sucks nonetheless.
Flutter: i have thought about the sale of the house being like a beginning for us. We have only owned the house for just under 3 years. And we only lived there for a few months before we started having problems. So, there aren't a ton of great memories there. But, it still is our home. And it is hard to let go of that.
I am just so unsure of what to do next. At this point, it seems like nothing that i have done has worked. I am wondering if it just time to let go. All of this DBing is getting to be exhausting.
I keep trying to imagine my life without my H. I just can't. Its weird...like we are supposed to be together. I don't know if that makes sense.
I feel so disheartened right now, after what transpired Thursday night. But, then i think that a few days before that my H is calling me, calling me lovie and telling me he misses me. I just don't get it. I am so tired of questioning everything he says and does, and thinking that he has an ulterior motive for everything.
No contact from him today, but i think that it is a child free weekend. I was at my house from noon until 6p today...he was nowhere to be found. I imagine that he spent the night at her house and was with her all day. And will probably be snowed in there with her tonight. God, i could throw up. Maybe, if she was younger or cuter than me, it would be easier to understand. But, she's not. God, WTF is wrong with my H?
So, here i sit, on another Saturday night, watching Lifetime. How pathetic?!?
I keep hoping that i will wake up from this nightmare. I keep praying for God to help my H find his way back to me. I keep trying to understand why this is happening. I think that i have some idea. But, enough is enough already. I mean, how much torture can one person take?
Okay, well this post is all over the place. And very self-pitying...sorry.
You might think me weird, but, DBing is quite easy and not exhausting. What's exhausting is tormenting one's self emotionally and being on the rollercoaster. That's where your stress is coming from.
Take a break from the situation this weekend. Unplug the phone. Read a book. Make a snowman. If you can, treat yourself out to dinner at some nice place. Call a friend to come over, or better yet, you go out, and play cards or see a movie or have dinner. And for goodness sakes, switch LifeTime for the Comedy Network!!
I, too, have moments when I can't believe this is my life. I keep thinking that this wasn't supposed to happen.
Well, you're still in a grieving process, you know, and you're gonna have thoughts like that. All normal.
You know the key to your peace of mind is severing the baggage you're attaching to everything.
No matter how much stuff you attach, the reality remains the same, it's not affected by whatever meaning you give this or that, or whatever you attach. So, letting go of these attachments doesn't make things worse, or lose these things, they remain. What gets reduced is the pain you give yourself from these thoughts. Thoughts. They're just thoughts. They're thoughts you conjure. If you conjure them, you can likewise un-conjure them and think other thoughts.
There's a book titled, "The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection" by Susan Anderson. She's a therapist who counsels abandoned spouses and then one day, found herself to be the LBS in her long term relationship. She went into despair, even though she had been counseling people in the similar situation for years. She gained insights firsthand into the plight of the LBS and fine tuned her approach. It may be a good read to help you through this particular process.
Maybe DBing would seem easier if i felt stronger. I guess i just don't feel very strong.
You may not believe me, but i do try to stop my negative thoughts. And i do know that it would be easier to do if i had something to fill up my time and distract me. I have a few things in mind...taking a spanish class and a pottery class. I've always wanted to do those things and i have a lot of free time on my hands now, it seems like a good idea.
I do try to remind myself to not attach my own meanings to his actions. Sometimes, though, i just find myself having a pity party.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely go to the bookstore to check it out...not tonight of course...too much snow. But, this week.
Thank you again for your feedback...sorry that i am so negative.
SS, you are very right, I do have a lot to learn and I hope it's not too late to learn. I am going to address this on my thread so if you have time...
Imdi,
I feel terrible. I suppose I was not trying to be careful with my last post but then again, I was not trying to make you feel worse. What I am trying to do is give you the idea of what is possible from an ignorant man's perspective.
I had typed more but I am feeling a little unsure (ok, a lot) of myself right now so I had better leave it at that.
lmdi, I see from your post that you are in a similar mood to me right now, maybe it is the cold snowy weather. It is a sad, hopeless sorta night. However, I just read the reply that NYSurvivor posted to you saying that dbing is easy, and it struck me that it probably IS. I just think that maybe we (not to lump you in with me, but I see alot of my own sich in yours!!) are not actually DOING it yet. I worry about "letting go" as if it were a bad thing, but I am starting to think that it is what is needed in order for the dbing to work, in order for it to be valid. So far in my journey, all of the things I have done to try to save my M have been almost phony. I am TRYING to get him back, but pretending that I am NOT. This is what leads to all of the DB no-nos, the R talks and whatnot. I think until you actually detach (with love, as the books say, in fact I think i got that from a book called "Getting Back Together" which is pretty good), you are fighting a losing battle. I know this is easy to say and hard to do. I have not yet been successful in letting go at all. But I do think that it has to happen. Almost like, we have to let go of the Ms we had, b/c they are basically over, and focus on a fresh start, one in which if fate will have it, perhaps we can begin a NEW and more successful relationship with the men we love so dearly. In fact, I would like to even start accepting his R with OW for what it is - nothing special - and focus on winning him, not back, but over. Almost as if I were a whole new woman, stealing him from his crappy, shallow and obviously unfulfilling R!! Does this thought process make any sense to you? Cuz it sorta just hit me now. Maybe not thought out enough. It just seems like when faced with the OW vs a "stronger, no pressure / guilt, very similar to the way we met" version of their true loves, how could they ever choose the OW???? Let her be the one who has all of the negative attached to her (cuz the OW are probably seething with jealousy and insecurities about us, and would not be holding it in, that is for sure!!) And let us be the more attractive option. Any thoughts?!?!?
You're on my mind tonight. Wish you were closer so you could come over and enjoy a nice glass of red as this snow begins to cover our area.
I am wondering if it just time to let go. All of this DBing is getting to be exhausting. You know what? I think when we do let go is when we really begin divorce busting.
Believe me, I know what you mean. Let's put it out there: we're implementing all this in order to salvage our marriages, plain and simple. And we are not the only ones! I guess either it will work one day, or else we will come to realize that we have to keep on doing it and just pull from that the things that can help us move on without them. Eventually this has to go one way or the other.
I was reading the last post and it's such a cool idea to think about trying to win H. over instead of winning him back. My problem is that my H. is now saying he wants no serious R. with anybody. And to be with me in any way is to be in a serious R. which is why he is not willing to try to work on things with me. Where does that leave a good little DB'er? Help!
Keep reading, Imdi. I just cleaned off my bookcase tonight and organized my new self-help section. Now I have 2 dozen books on these topics. Each one I've been able to take something away and keep it in mind, so that's good.
What's on Lifetime tonight? I've got a movie playing in my DVD player.
I don't know Imdi. I've had no contact from my H. today either, and I know he is off this weekend. I dread thinking of where he is tonight, also being it's the weekend everyone (except yours truly) is out celebrating V-day. This is just awful. How can you be happy when you're still in love with your walkaway husband? This is the underlying problem I keep having, no matter how much DB'ing I'm doing. I think you feel the same way. We love and miss these men. It hurts, darn it! It's hard to get interested in other things when you're still hurting over your husband leaving you.
Just rambling, Imdi. Don't mind me. Hugs, hon.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I'm going to have to give you a few lashes with a wet noodle for the name of your thread. That's two depressing ones in a row. I don't want these to become self-fulfilling prophesies for you.
I'm kinda into Feng Shui and there is a large part of it that talks about how after you put a positive change into effect, you need to believe it is going to work and visualize it happening. Even if you're not into Feng Shui it can't hurt to start believing that good things will happen instead of always expecting the worst. Here I am again giving advise that I too need to take.
Hope you're enjoying your snow. I think ours is starting to melt a bit.
Sorry you're feeling blue. I just have one comment:
Quote: Maybe DBing would seem easier if i felt stronger. I guess i just don't feel very strong.
You may not feel strong... but you know what? You are incredibly strong. You're doing what you feel is right. You're standing up for yourself, for your marriage, for a man who you believe in your heart (no matter his actions) can change... You are strong. You are beautiful. You are fabulous... and if I believe it... only knowing you the way I do... what does that say? You hang in there.
I'm thinking of you... sending you wonderful, happy thoughts... and apologizing profusely for being MIA for a while.