Glad to be a help! I don't see myself lately as the positive person so your cheerleader comment cracks me up. Thanks!!! I'll keep checking on your progress- I won't let you make the mistake of waiting until the last minute like I did!!
Bless you both for caring about me. Some days I feel like I am the caretaker to EVERYONE and nobody looks out for me. I do so appreciate you posting, even though I am so bad about updating things.
Matilda - I "jumped the gun" with a post to you. I had intended to post this long story last night, but just got too tired.....So here goes.
H has not seen D15 the whole month of Feb. either because she or he hasn't made the move to get together. He had eye surgery last week, but I don't know why they couldn't see each other before then.
Anyway, H is leaving Sunday for a month to travel for his job. I asked if he would be seeing D15 before he leaves and he said, "I'd like to"....So I said, "Why don't you pick her up at school on Thursday and then stay for dinner." He agreed.
So H picked D15 up from school and since her cell phone had not been working properly, h was going to take her to get a replacement (it is still under warranty).
To make a long story short H (AKA: Disneyland DAD) did not exchange her phone for the same one. He bought her the latest and greatest phone on the planet. $250. (This is the same man who refuses to pay her private high school tuition because he is "poor")
So the two of them walk into the house (late for dinner). She beaming at having gotten Disneyland Dad to succumb to her latest whim, which she KNOWS I would never have done; and H satisfied that he has done his "daddly duty" for the month - made his kid happy, even if he hadn't spent ANY time with her in the past 30 days. I am pissed that he spent the money and also pissed that he did not consult with me before buying it. I still had to get through dinner so I didn't say too much about the phone.
But something about H being at the house was different then other times before. It was light. It was engaging....it was almost, dare I say,......"FUN"?
Honestly, it was as if H was peeking out of his tunnel for just a brief time. He was almost his old self. Not the alien! He even replaced the water filter on the kitchen faucet (altho he left all the tools out on the counter for me to put away. When I thanked him, he muttered, "yea, I guess there is alot of things I could fix around here."
I don't know if his being pleasant was because he was so happy with himself at spending time with D15; he was happy to have a home cooked meal, or happy he was getting out of town for a month.
So jump to yesterday. I had a session with C. I tell her that H barely peeked out of his alien self. She suspects that his Feb. hibernation with no contact with me or D15 has made him somewhat begin to suffer with that well-known disease of " realizing the grass is NOT greener". She suspects that he was in a good, almost happy, mood because maybe, he enjoyed the company of "familiar" people.
By way of background, H is struggling with $$$ issues. He knows I have been a stay at home mom for almost 16 years. He sees how much I have to spend to maintain this house. We don't live in luxury, but CA is not cheap for anything. So I tell him that part 2 of the property taxes is due and what should I do about it. He says, "Well, YOU live there". and I say, "Yes, but I don't have $4,000"....so he says, "Give me the bill and I will pay it......You know you (meaning me) get more money each month than I get to keep from my check".
I just Agreed and said, "Yes, I'm sorry. I know it takes alot to keep two households. Divorce is never easy."
I thought that was a much better response than what I would have said, even a month ago....."Yah, well you stupid piece of crap.....I never asked for this D...It you'd have been man enough to NOT run away and stay and work on your M, you wouldn't be so poor." (But I didn't).
So anyway....today, C asks me if I think that H is "reconsidering" his decision. I honestly don't know...But what I DO know...is that H is very proud and would never admit he made a mistake. I think he feels he needs to go full steam ahead on the D in order to "save face".
C suggested that I write a letter to H, asking him if he agrees that our dinner last night was "different" then in the past. That perhaps he too, sensed a "connection" with each other and that, maybe, we might want to consider putting the D on hold for a while we explore a "change of heart".
So my dilema now is......H will be here today to pick up D15 for just one overnight. He will return her to me on Sunday on his way out of town and will be gone for one month. Do I slip him a short note, asking that he call his L and put things on hold til he is back in town in a month? (I guess that would mean I wouldn't have to do the financials or interrogatories).
My biggest worry is that IF, and it's a big IF....we are reconnecting and he is emerging out of the tunnel...that the nasty things I will have to say in the interrogatories will just send him spinning back into the tunnel. But if I don't fill out the interrogatories, I will still be divorced, but will lose by default. So I can't just do NOTHING! I either have to file the financials and interrogatories, OR give him a note asking him to put everything on hold.
I realize (and told C today) that "timing is everything" in this case. If he is "cave mode" when he reads the letter, he will NOT want to put D on hold. If he is in "Nice H mode" when he reads it, he might consider it.
So what do I do.... ?????
(1)Say and write nothing to him. Go ahead and submit the interrogatories and financials and make him hate me even more. OR (2)Give him a note asking if we can put the D on hold for a while because of his being out of town and my sinus problems or some other lame excuse.
I only have til Sunday morning to make a decision.
Everyone, please jump in with an opinion.
Last edited by Dust_In_The_Wind; 03/04/0603:07 PM.
That is a tough one. My hunch is that pushing him to see that dinner was different this time, or to halt D proceedings, might push him right back into the tunnel. He is human, he will have seen that the evening was different, let him make the next move. When he drops D15 off, if you can, grab him for a quick hug and wish him a safe trip. Nothing more than what you'd do for a friend.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
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Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
I won't give you an answer on this as you are the one who knows your H best. I will tell you what happened for me- My H comes often for dinner and every Sunday morning for breakfast as a family- sometimes it was great. One time we laughed and cleaned out the pantry closet together, all of the niceness was back except hugging and kissing- I was thinking he would be back tomorrow. He continued the D process even when during the few R talks we had he admitted this was a "big waste"! I did talk with him occasionally even though that isn't DBing- but I didn't want to regret not saying how I felt. Sometimes he would look at me like he loved me and actually would say I will think about that. Snodderly said to me that once they get D set in their mind they often won't stop it. This is the case for my H. The interrogatories definatly have made things more tense- check out my thread! H is mad having to do them and is stressing about the money big time! I would do the financials and interrogatories and not hand them into your L until you are sure of what you are doing. You don't want to wait until the last moment to get them done- you will not do well in a settlement if the paperwork isn't done!! I remember the feeling of just hoping he would wake up before I had to finish all this crappy paperwork- I denied that the D was happening- I still hope it won't but think it will happen now. I know it is unfair and doesn't make sense to throw away a M that could be saved with work- but my H certainly doesn't want to work on it!! MLC doesn't make sense in a rational way!!!
I'm sorry that I can't say things will be great and your M will be great again tomorrow- I wish I could. We don't know what will happen- it is frustrating. You do need to protect yourself and your D though- let the maternal instinct kick in and focus on that!! If you protect yourself and your D and he comes back he will be happy you did that for his D!!! Reading finally frees posts about sticking up for yourself and how when his wife did that he did respect her- that helped me. Myturn now is another step in the process from me- so that helps me too.
No one's sitch will be the same- do what is right for you! We are here for you whenever!
Quote: He is human, he will have seen that the evening was different, let him make the next move. When he drops D15 off, if you can, grab him for a quick hug and wish him a safe trip.
Becca -
Yes, I guess I got so anxious to read into his friendliness. And, I quite possibly do not give him enough credit for seeing the same things I see....But we haven't seen eye to eye is a very long time. But what you offered (the hug) is an excellent suggestion. I will have to think it over and plan how I can do it with the least amount of appearing like it was a planned hug.
Quote: Snodderly said to me that once they get D set in their mind they often won't stop it. This is the case for my H. The interrogatories definatly have made things more tense- check out my thread!
Cathy -
You are right. I will not give him a note. I will, however, take the advice to try to give him a hug and let him know that he is loved. I think any action, innocent or not, on my part will drive him away. Thanks for your advice.
