I just went to my first teen mass the other week- by myself. Certain things will talk to you-- I cried too!! It is normal and ok- and it is an accepting place to do it.
Thinking of you-- it is a hard time- don't go through it alone- we are here for you!!!
I truly feel for you as we are probably in a similar sitch. My STBXH is also in a totally selfish mode and could care less about me. It's sad, really sad, but I wonder if it's better this way - if he was acting all nice, I can never move on. Maybe God is handling this so that I can dislike STBXH for what he has done to me? I am not sure. But it still makes me deeply sad.
I know STBXH misses S3 so much, and I know he is not very happy. Yet, he is not coming home. Why, was I such a horrible person that even if he is lonely and miserable he rather be alone??? He was always saying good things about me to his family and friends and said was proud of me. Now I am such a b****?
Take care Dust, you are sounding much stronger these days.
Thanks all of you for your concern. I've been so busy this week just keeping up with day to day life that I haven't had much time to check the boards.
Myturnnow ......
I think we were seperated at birth. As for your working for the FBI....I consulted with my neighbor, who is a PI and was asking him about gathering evidence, etc...When I told him my plans, he said my methods were very much like what he does for his clients. (I spent 15 years as an investigative reporter so I am used to being subversive in order to gain information).
I don't regret giving up my newspaper career to stay at home with D15, because those have been the most wonderful experiences of my life...But when H says I did nothing and my job was easy.....it makes me realize he really has NO clue!
Quote: H was very passive agressive and blamed me for anything that made him miserable
I can relate to that!!!! If H and I went to dinner and I didn't particularly care for the meal, he would say something like, "Well, we just won't go out to dinner ever again". If we went to a movie and I didn't think it was great, he would say, "You are impossible to please". It didn't matter what my opinion of anything was......he always turned it around to make it seem like I was blaming him.
Cathy,
Quote: My H actually said why are you doing so much work on the financials- you could just guess
Yes, men don't usually pay as much attention to detail as women. My H just guessed on his financials and it going to come back to bite him in the butt. My H estimated WAY high on his expenses. My L says judge will tell H that he is living "way too high on the hog". H listed $600/month for food....What the heck is he eating? In fact, it is almost comical that H's expenses are actually about $4,000 more than his income.
My expenses, on the other hand, will be actual amounts (but will include EVERYTHING - such as manicures for me and D15's eyebrow waxing (Poor kid, she is a very hairy child - due to H being very hairy).
Quote: Thinking of you-- it is a hard time- don't go through it alone- we are here for you!!!
Thank you. It means alot just to read that.
Matilda,
Quote: How is D15 handling things?
Thanks for asking. D15 is status quo. She has been busy with serving as stage manager for a school musical production and also choosing her classes for junior year. She went to a basketball game last night (I drove 4 girls) and tonight, she has plans to attend a party. (I should have such a great social life!!!).
She has been hard to read lately....Somewhat secretive and sullen. She has not seen her dad since Feb. 1. I know they talk on the phone, but I wonder if something happened between the two of them when she spend a week with him while I was in Hawaii.
A friend of mine (who has 3 teen daughters) suggested to me that perhaps I over-react to D15's drama. She said that it has been her experience that it is hard to determine WHAT IN THE WORLD is upsetting girls of that age. She said that I shouldn't necessarily assume that D15 is moody and sad because of H and I. It very well could be something at school or between D15 and her friends. I think that is a valid comment but I will still keep an eye out for any "going off the deep end" behavior. How is your D15?
Hoping,
Quote: Why, was I such a horrible person that even if he is lonely and miserable he rather be alone???
No, you are not horrible. Your H NEEDS to be alone. My H NEEDS to be alone. You and I both know that we do not deserve this...
The more I think about it the more I think my H is just plain stupid. He has ALWAYS been stupid when it comes to matters of the heart.
He once gave me money in an envelope for Christmas! How romantic! I know his heart was in the right place, but for gosh sakes....if you don't think you know your wife well enough to pick out a meaningful gift and you have to resort to giving cash....how impersonal is that?
Quote: He was always saying good things about me to his family and friends and said was proud of me. Now I am such a b****?
No, you aren't. Your H - just like mine- has to say this, and hope he can convince himself, of it because it wouldn't make sense to do mean things to a nice person (which we are). Believe me, they ARE feeling guilty!! And even though it would be obvious to a reasonable person that our H's actions are contradicting everything they have said in the past, THEY don't see it. My H is so blinded by his own rage (which my C says is anger at HIMSELF) that he doesn't even remember today, what he said yesterday. He has said some terrible things to me, none of which are true....but it's HIS reality I have to deal with....and everyone....My friends, even HIS friends....cannot believe he is acting so out of character.
As for our kids, yes they are the innocent ones really getting hurt here. I just pray that our H's will wake up in time to make things right. but unfortunately, I think it's already too late.
Quote: Take care Dust, you are sounding much stronger these days.
Hoping,
You are spot on with the fact that I am sounding much more positive these days....and it isn't all my doing.
If I didn't say before, I will tell you now that I had a friend come to southern CA to visit. He was here for a week looking for a job. He is someone who I have known since college. We were intimate about 35 years ago...and then again 25 years ago, and then about 20 years ago...and then....
We have actually discussed never being single at the same time and we have always had a mutual admiration society for each other.
He came to town last week and spent 7 days here interviewing for jobs. Each night, we would go out to dinner and talk, talk, talk.
By way of background, he called me about a month ago and told me he was interested in moving to my town. I probed more and to my surprise, he told me that he was getting a divorce. I said, "me too!"....to which he replied, "my head is spinning."
I didn't really realize what he meant by "my head is spinning" til he got to town and put the "full court press" on me. After going out each night for 5 nights, he finally put the moves on me, the night before he was to fly back home. He told me how he had been my biggest fan from Day #1 and that he has stood by silently while I pursued alot of other guys (in my younger years).
And for 7 nights, he wined and dined me. Asked, "do you want to take a boat trip?; you want to take a limo to the wine coutnry? Should we go for lobster", etc.
He said to me, "You are even more fun than I remember."....OMG....I can't remember when a man loved being with me more.
He opened the door for me...he put his hand on my shoulder when we were waking into the restaurant.....he told me how much he loved his kids.....(very sexy trait to me) and we talked about kids, and kids, and kids....He even met my D15 and said she is so much like his D14.
My H was supposed to have our D15 last Friday night, but due to some sort of real or imagined malady with him, she was with me the whole time new guy was in town.
She was at a party and New guy and I picked her up and dropped her at home. I told her I would be right back home after taking new Guy to his hotel.
When we got there, New guy asked if I wanted to "come up to his room" for a while. Of course, I said, "I don't think that is a good idea.".......We kissed in the car for a few minutes.....and I think I even gave him a "stiffy".!!!!!
Finally, I told him I had to go home. D15 was not stupid and if mom was gone 3 hours to drop off friend....she would know what we were up to.
He was Ok with that.... and I really wanted to BE with him....but I have this "thing" that I am STANDING for my marriage...and new guy is OK with that.
He has called almost every day since he got back to his place. I really wish I would have....well, you know, with him....but I feel OK that I didnt.
I think is was a turning point in my struggle with H and the decision to D. I think that having someone validate ME was so BIG! I like ME! New Guy likes ME!
So what if H has a problem?
I think standing for my marriage for 10 months is long enough. H has OW....I have no one and it hasn't bothered me all this time....but by god, it is sooooo nice to have someone get "excited" over being with me.
I definitely do not think New Guy is "the one" as he has always been the type to marry "arm candy"....you know the 5'10, blonde, slender, with the bottle cap nose..",. but I represent the "one he couldn't have" and although I do not consider myself "arm candy" by any means.....I AM fun! and We DO have a great time together.
So that is my sitch tonight. I am starting to see the light that I am worthy of a good man....and it might not be my H. I HAVE been validated as a worthy woman.....and I love it!
Oh yes, I am careful. This is not the beginning of anything serious. I will probably not see New Guy again for a very long time. I guess I just needed my PMA to have a boost, as it has been at an all time low recently.
All this D crap has got me so down, it was nice to put my depression on hold for 5 days and have someone treat me like I was worth something.
New Guy and I talked about the kissing incident and I told him "Please don't take it personally. It isn't you." I know how men react to rejection.
I, on the other hand, WANTED to take it personally. Because for me, a man (not just any man, but this particular one) who has known me for many years saw through my beaten ego to see the funny, warm, sensitive, attractive person I am. Now I just have to believe it.
H has been totally unreachable (literally, not just metaphorically) for the past week. I have called twice and left VM, but I haven't heard from him. D15 says he hasn't called her either. Very strange.
He agreed to go to C with me tomorrow to straighten out some issues for co-parenting. I told him a week ago about it. I called C tonight and told her that I can't contact H and what should I do? I don't really need IC tomorrow. I feel pretty good. Wonder what H is up to?
My neighbor, who is very sarcastic and totally funny, says, "Maybe he put his head in an oven because he just can't stand himself". Honestly, it makes me wonder!!!
I have been extremely busy. Was supposed to get a sinus lift. For those of you who don't know about those things (I didn't know til a month ago)....Sinuses are a totally open space of air in your nose. Top is bone and bottom is your upper jaw bone (bone that holds your teeth in).....Apparently I have lost that bone so dentist is doing a bone graft onto already slim bone that I have holding in my front teeth.
Tried to do it last week, but evidentally, I have an abscess in my sinuses. Taking antibiotics to clear it up. Really gives me a head hurt...not any more than the head hurt I have had for the past 10 months, tho.
Hi Dust, again, you are sounding much better despite your sinus problems. Good for you!
You want to be careful, but I understand how great it is to have someone who appreciates you again! And you deserve it. You probably had more fun also b/c he lives far away, maybe? Because you knew that things could not get too serious too soon because of the distance? Whatever it is, it sounds like you are being cautious, so I'd say let your ego get boosted! By the way,
Hoping - It's what we all NEED! Positive Mental Attitude!
Yes, I agree with you.....that his paying some attention to me was great and just what I needed at the time. And yes, maybe it was better that he doesn't live close enough for it to get serious. But as I said, I have known him for 25 years and we have always had that "mutual admiration society" so it was nice to just be myself around him.
I would never do this with someone I just met. In fact, D15 only saw New Guy for a few minutes one evening when we were going out to dinner. I picked him up at his hotel and we dropped D15 at the mall for a movie with her friends. Afterwards, I took D15 home first, and then took New Guy back to his hotel. That is what helped keep me in control. I knew she was expecting me home soon as it was only a 10 minute drive to the hotel.
Everything is moving pretty slowly in the D department. I just can't motivate myself to fill out those financials and get my narrative together. In fact, I've been downright lazy lately. Absolutely no motivation. I am not depressed or tired....I just lack that burning desire to do any work. Maybe it's the season and maybe it's just me. But I am not too stressed over it. I plan to discuss it with C today. Hope you are doing well in your sitch. I will take a look at your posts later today.
Dust- I did the same thing with my paperwork- after crying about it for two days I worked hard for a few days then put it aside and didn't want to do it. For me I think it was avoiding that this is really happening, that if I didn't do the paperwork I wouldn't be getting a D! Well then the L says we need it next week- so I stayed up three nights til 12:30 then final night/morning til 2:30!! So don't do my plan- left me really crabby for a few days- until I caught up on the sleep! I did feel better finishing it- sad though realizing this is going to happen! I was proud of myself for doing all of it and figuring out my acccounting software to make some reports on our monthly spending. Don't know if it is typical at this point or just me but depression is here. Took my mandatory child impact class- that was sad to me. I'm trying to keep doing things and not stuff the sadness , trying to resolve all the issues and come out of this healthy! Thinking of you! Take care of yourself.
