I've been offline for a few days. Just feeling kind of down.
H was supposed to have an eye operation on Monday. I called him on Sunday afternoon to make sure he had a ride to and from hospital. H said he did (probably his ho, but I didn't say anything).
D15 and I went to the teen mass on Sunday night at our church. The whole time I was in church, I was thinking of H and his surgery the next day and my mind was going between being weepy because I was worried about him; and angry thinking that I should be the one to take him to the hospital and be in the waiting room and drive him home and make him soup, etc.
So, it came out the blue when the choir started singing, "I have loved you with an everylasting love...." which was sung at our wedding 17 years ago.....As soon as they started to sing, I looked at D15 and said, "Oh, there's a song from daddy's and my wedding"......And I no sooner got out the last word and my eyes just flooded over and began dripping down my cheeks. I had to leave my seat and go to the back of the church to the bathroom...I ran the water in the bathroom, but I could still hear the choir.....and they went on and on....I bet they sang EVERY verse of that song.
Finally, I patted my eyes with TP and went back to my seat. I wore my glasses (which are for reading only) to hide my red eyes through the rest of the service and almost tripped coming back from communion.
I haven't cried in church once since H left, save for a tiny tear on Christmas Eve.
I guess I had better get used to being blindsided from out of the blue....Probably happens to everyone.
I had H on my mind all day on Monday and by 6 p.m. I called him. He answered his phone and sounded pretty good for someone who had a gen.anesthesia and 2 hr surgery. He said they hadn't done the surgery because of some problems with his heart. And that he had to have further tests done and maybe they would do the surgery next week.
I could tell from the sound of his voice that there was more to it than just a simple delay, but he didn't elaborate and I didn't ask for more.
I told him I was sorry that it had been postponed and to call if he needed us for anything. He said he would. And that was that!
So now I am wondering if he really has more serious problems or he was just depressed in general. I really don't want to hit him with both barrels in the narrative my L has me writing if he is really ill....And yet, there is no way to know.
I would like to think that he is finally waking up to the reality of our situation and is depressed,, but that would probably be too wishful thinking. I see he hasn't checked his email for 3 days now.... Wonder if that has anything to do with anything?
