I just got locked so I thought it was time I moved out of MLC category over to D but not Done.
I also think that maybe the lock monster is trying to tell me that I should not only be finished with the MLC forum, but to be finished with MLC altogether.
I have tried for 10 months now to deal with it....but I don't see one bit of progress. When H walked out of our home in May, he said he was done! And nothing I have tried has changed his mind. He is still angry, still with OW, still acting very weird, and still determined to get a D.
So I join this forum with a heavy heart at not being able to get my M back on track, but with the knowledge that I have tried just about everything I can to make our M work.
I do, however, know that I am a much better person for having tried and I thank everyone in the MLC forum for support and encouragement. I don't really think it matters WHERE you post on these boards.....Just because I am in the midst of a D, doesn't mean I don't have to deal with H's MLC anymore. It just means that I have finally shifted to working on me 90 percent of the time instead of splitting time between H and myself. I also have resolved that this M isn't going to work.
I kind of compare it to "shifting your weight from foot to foot while you are waiting in a long line" First 3/4 of your weight is on your right leg, then you shift to your left, and so forth.
And I guess after this long, the shift feels right. I am road-weary, and just like pounding your head into a brick wall.....it feels so good when you stop!
Besides, now that the battle of L's is on....I need my energy to go into making the D settlement as good as I can for D15 and I. It's our future at stake and as long as H does not want to compromise, I will fight.
I hope to continue my friendship with everyone I met on the MLC boards and meet new friends who can help me on my way through the D process.
Welcome...I am new here also...just got here from Infedility (you can see my sitch, "trying to let go")...I think that you are right on by having to start thinking about yourself and come to grips that "this" M is over...highlight the word "this"...the old R is over and you are D the old...The old M is dead...and this is what helps me let go...I have not stopped loving my W but I do understand that things can't go back and I think my W knows that, and that is why she is resisting any reconcile...but we are in this forum of D but not done because we are not ready to give up on the good Dbering that we have done to this point...so hang in there and prepare yourself legally and know that you are just starting a new roller coaster.
Would love to know any thoughts on my sitch from a W perspective if you have time.
Quote: I have tried for 10 months now to deal with it....but I don't see one bit of progress. When H walked out of our home in May, he said he was done! And nothing I have tried has changed his mind. He is still angry, still with OW, still acting very weird, and still determined to get a D.
I'm right where you are.
Quote: but with the knowledge that I have tried just about everything I can to make our M work
I know that I have done everything also, for me, that is something that I HAD to do before accepting it was over.
Quote: Besides, now that the battle of L's is on....I need my energy to go into making the D settlement as good as I can for D15 and I. It's our future at stake and as long as H does not want to compromise, I will fight.
I'm in the thick of the D process and STBX seems to want to destroy me. So you're right, I do need all of my strength and energy for this part of the ride.
I have been sitting here with the financials and interrogatoraties for over a week. I guess it is the perfectionist in me that wants the narrative to be "pulitzer" material.
My H is pretty much into the selfish script. I gave up my career to be a stay at home mom to D15 ever since she was born (well, actually, I stayed working til she was about 18 months, then just didn't like that someone else (daycare) was raising her instead of me.
My H travels around 200 nights a year (somewhat seasonal - March through November) so it was impossible to have any sort of career, school, or anything that you have to do on a regular schedule.
When H and I married, 17 years ago, I had a pretty good career going, But we made a mutual decision that H would be the working man and I would stay at home and handle the child, the house, shopping, cooking, cleaning, the finances, the dog, the volunteering at school, girl scouts, play dates, chauffeuring to sports and school events, and family social director, etc.
A month ago when he filed for D, he stated to me that HE earned all the money and I did NOTHING! Therefore, every material thing we have is his and I need to "go find a job" to support myself. He is even refusing to pay all of D15's private school tuition and he's already spent her college fund on his new condo.
One thing that I am doing is including photos to illustrate the things that I need. We were 2 years from having the house paid off in full. We refinanced last Feb. and took out alot of money to rehab our 35 yr old house and have some $$ to invest for D15's college. So now we have a new 30 yr mortgage that we owe tons of money on. The house never got fixed up and H took the refi money out of the bank and is spending it on his cars, OW, and fun.
I want to ask the judge to make him either pay down the new mortgage with it OR use the money to do the needed repairs to the house that we had planned.
Everything in our house is "original issue" - meaning it has never been updated, save for a new roof and occasional paint. I have a 35 yr old stove, on which only one burner works; a double oven, on which only one oven works; 35 yr old cracked and chipped avacado green (Yuck) linoleum in the kitchen; 35 yr old windows that only "slow down" the wind in bad weather; - 35 yr old carpeting that has been shampooed to within an inch of its life; 35 yr old faucets that drip constantly......well, you get the picture.
One of my goals this week was to get all the paperwork organized. I went to Costco and bought this really great 10 drawer organizer on wheels. It has multi colored drawers that pull out and was only $21. I have labeled each drawer and am totally on the way to being more organized than I have been in years.
Anyone with suggestions on what to write to a judge to help him appreciate the multitude of tasks bestowed on a stay-at-home mom would be appreciated.
<but with the knowledge that I have tried just about everything I can to make our M work >
I know that I have done everything also, for me, that is something that I HAD to do before accepting it was over.
Wrongedwife,
Thanks for your comments. It's both nice and sad to know that someone (or alot of someones) are going through the same thing.
I am the type of person who always has to analyze my actions. And I KNOW for certain that if I had just given up and NOT tried to do everything I could to save my M, it would bother me for the rest of my life. I have enough regrets. I didn't want to worry about a new one.
So now I honestly think that I will be able to look myself in the mirror and more importantly, look D15 in the face, and say that I DID try EVERYTHING!
It is rare for me to admit that something isn't do-able. I have never taked defeat lightly. But in this case, I just can't fight the fight anymore. So now I will throw my energy into planning and fighting for the best possible outcome for D15 and I.
H is a big boy. He can take care of himself. That is not my job anymore. And heaven help him because he doesn't have a lot of experience taking care of himself.
The best thing we can do is look out for ourselves. I know I have made alot of progress. I am happier with who I am today than I have been in a long time. I don't have my M or my family together anymore, but I have a whole new Dust and I am getting to like her more every day!
Wow..Boy..Do I relate to what you wrote..And truly appreciate your post on my MLC thread..
I felt like i was reading my own autobiography when I read this.
Quote: I am the type of person who always has to analyze my actions. And I KNOW for certain that if I had just given up and NOT tried to do everything I could to save my M, it would bother me for the rest of my life. I have enough regrets. I didn't want to worry about a new one.
So now I honestly think that I will be able to look myself in the mirror and more importantly, look D15 in the face, and say that I DID try EVERYTHING!
It is rare for me to admit that something isn't do-able. I have never taked defeat lightly. But in this case, I just can't fight the fight anymore. So now I will throw my energy into planning and fighting for the best possible outcome for D15 and I.
H is a big boy. He can take care of himself. That is not my job anymore. And heaven help him because he doesn't have a lot of experience taking care of himself.
The best thing we can do is look out for ourselves. I know I have made alot of progress. I am happier with who I am today than I have been in a long time. I don't have my M or my family together anymore, but I have a whole new Dust and I am getting to like her more every day!
I put my heart and soul into saving my M. Tried just about everything. Then, one day, I cried all night..I mean ALL NIGHT. I told myself, that was it, I am done.
That was amost a year ago. I knew then and I definitely know now that I am on the right path. Just like you wrote, I am not one to give up..However, when I feel like I have exhausted all of my options, I am the first one to say that I am finished and need to move on. And I have.
I have two kids..A S11 and a D8. I have been a stay at home mom for going on 12 years. My H started a bunch of business and traveled his butt off for recreation when he wasn't working.
Just like you, I could not have had a career if I tried. H wouldn't have me putting the kids in daycare, but he wouldn't give up any of his hobbies either. Now I listen to him saying I haven't done a thing in 12 years.
Like you, I did the brownie, CCD, classs mother thing. Cooking, cleaning, mopped up the floods in the basement, hooked up the cable, fixed the dishwasher, you name it. I did it. H sure as he## wouldn't.
The picture idea is great. I, too, have been a perfectionist my whole life. This D stuff shall be no different. I am on the web day in and day out looking up supreme court cases to justify what I want from H. It's pretty interesting but I think I am driving my L nuts!
My paralegal told me I should work for the FBI!!
I like your attitude, Dust. You are one smart cookie, I can tell. You are channeling your energy in all the right places. That's great.
As for how you feel about yourself, I completely understand. For the first time in almost five years, I like who I am. I figured H's MLC, or whatever the f he has started about then, and my life was horrible.
On the outside, we looked like the perfect little family. Cute kids, picket fence, SUV the works.
What a load of crap that was..
H was very passive agressive and blamed me for anything that made him miserable. It was my fault that their was lint on top of the dryer or the sock drawer was unorganized..(I swear, Dust, he actually said the sock drawer thing in therapy! )
As for me during those five years, I did the best I could to keep things even around here. No, I am by no means an Edith Bunker type so I let him have it when he got out of line. But most of the time I felt like I was walking on eggshells. It got so bad that when I heard his car pull up from work my shoulders used to tense up.
So, that's my story. Now I am focusing on the new MTN. That's exactly why I picked that name!
Good luck, Dust..You will do great! We need to sing row row row your boat in these Aliens faces when they start spewing that we did nothing for so many years..
All I do when H starts to rant and rave I look him dead in the eye and say to him:
Take a look at my c-section scars and tell me I did nothing for 13 years..Oh, and by the way, thank you for that. If you didn't have such a big a$$ head maybe my kids wouldn't have been 10 lbs!!
I left my email on my post if you want to email me. I can forward you stuff i found on the web.. Let me know if you find any good articles about alimony and stay at home mom's if u find any, okay?
Nighty Night, Dust..It was great chatting with ya!
I too should move here- but I like the MLC group that I know well now, but have almost given up on trying to save the dead M.
My H actually said why are you doing so much work on the financials- you could just guess-- I don't think so-- I too take this seriously and will figure it all out to the penny. It is exhausting but when it is done you will be proud!!
We will survive this!
Email me anytime- I posted my info on MTN's thread.
I've been offline for a few days. Just feeling kind of down.
H was supposed to have an eye operation on Monday. I called him on Sunday afternoon to make sure he had a ride to and from hospital. H said he did (probably his ho, but I didn't say anything).
D15 and I went to the teen mass on Sunday night at our church. The whole time I was in church, I was thinking of H and his surgery the next day and my mind was going between being weepy because I was worried about him; and angry thinking that I should be the one to take him to the hospital and be in the waiting room and drive him home and make him soup, etc.
So, it came out the blue when the choir started singing, "I have loved you with an everylasting love...." which was sung at our wedding 17 years ago.....As soon as they started to sing, I looked at D15 and said, "Oh, there's a song from daddy's and my wedding"......And I no sooner got out the last word and my eyes just flooded over and began dripping down my cheeks. I had to leave my seat and go to the back of the church to the bathroom...I ran the water in the bathroom, but I could still hear the choir.....and they went on and on....I bet they sang EVERY verse of that song.
Finally, I patted my eyes with TP and went back to my seat. I wore my glasses (which are for reading only) to hide my red eyes through the rest of the service and almost tripped coming back from communion.
I haven't cried in church once since H left, save for a tiny tear on Christmas Eve.
I guess I had better get used to being blindsided from out of the blue....Probably happens to everyone.
I had H on my mind all day on Monday and by 6 p.m. I called him. He answered his phone and sounded pretty good for someone who had a gen.anesthesia and 2 hr surgery. He said they hadn't done the surgery because of some problems with his heart. And that he had to have further tests done and maybe they would do the surgery next week.
I could tell from the sound of his voice that there was more to it than just a simple delay, but he didn't elaborate and I didn't ask for more.
I told him I was sorry that it had been postponed and to call if he needed us for anything. He said he would. And that was that!
So now I am wondering if he really has more serious problems or he was just depressed in general. I really don't want to hit him with both barrels in the narrative my L has me writing if he is really ill....And yet, there is no way to know.
I would like to think that he is finally waking up to the reality of our situation and is depressed,, but that would probably be too wishful thinking. I see he hasn't checked his email for 3 days now.... Wonder if that has anything to do with anything?
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