Wow..Boy..Do I relate to what you wrote..And truly appreciate your post on my MLC thread..
I felt like i was reading my own autobiography when I read this.
Quote: I am the type of person who always has to analyze my actions. And I KNOW for certain that if I had just given up and NOT tried to do everything I could to save my M, it would bother me for the rest of my life. I have enough regrets. I didn't want to worry about a new one.
So now I honestly think that I will be able to look myself in the mirror and more importantly, look D15 in the face, and say that I DID try EVERYTHING!
It is rare for me to admit that something isn't do-able. I have never taked defeat lightly. But in this case, I just can't fight the fight anymore. So now I will throw my energy into planning and fighting for the best possible outcome for D15 and I.
H is a big boy. He can take care of himself. That is not my job anymore. And heaven help him because he doesn't have a lot of experience taking care of himself.
The best thing we can do is look out for ourselves. I know I have made alot of progress. I am happier with who I am today than I have been in a long time. I don't have my M or my family together anymore, but I have a whole new Dust and I am getting to like her more every day!
I put my heart and soul into saving my M. Tried just about everything. Then, one day, I cried all night..I mean ALL NIGHT. I told myself, that was it, I am done.
That was amost a year ago. I knew then and I definitely know now that I am on the right path. Just like you wrote, I am not one to give up..However, when I feel like I have exhausted all of my options, I am the first one to say that I am finished and need to move on. And I have.
I have two kids..A S11 and a D8. I have been a stay at home mom for going on 12 years. My H started a bunch of business and traveled his butt off for recreation when he wasn't working.
Just like you, I could not have had a career if I tried. H wouldn't have me putting the kids in daycare, but he wouldn't give up any of his hobbies either. Now I listen to him saying I haven't done a thing in 12 years.
Like you, I did the brownie, CCD, classs mother thing. Cooking, cleaning, mopped up the floods in the basement, hooked up the cable, fixed the dishwasher, you name it. I did it. H sure as he## wouldn't.
The picture idea is great. I, too, have been a perfectionist my whole life. This D stuff shall be no different. I am on the web day in and day out looking up supreme court cases to justify what I want from H. It's pretty interesting but I think I am driving my L nuts!
My paralegal told me I should work for the FBI!!
I like your attitude, Dust. You are one smart cookie, I can tell. You are channeling your energy in all the right places. That's great.
As for how you feel about yourself, I completely understand. For the first time in almost five years, I like who I am. I figured H's MLC, or whatever the f he has started about then, and my life was horrible.
On the outside, we looked like the perfect little family. Cute kids, picket fence, SUV the works.
What a load of crap that was..
H was very passive agressive and blamed me for anything that made him miserable. It was my fault that their was lint on top of the dryer or the sock drawer was unorganized..(I swear, Dust, he actually said the sock drawer thing in therapy! )
As for me during those five years, I did the best I could to keep things even around here. No, I am by no means an Edith Bunker type so I let him have it when he got out of line. But most of the time I felt like I was walking on eggshells. It got so bad that when I heard his car pull up from work my shoulders used to tense up.
So, that's my story. Now I am focusing on the new MTN. That's exactly why I picked that name!
Good luck, Dust..You will do great! We need to sing row row row your boat in these Aliens faces when they start spewing that we did nothing for so many years..
All I do when H starts to rant and rave I look him dead in the eye and say to him:
Take a look at my c-section scars and tell me I did nothing for 13 years..Oh, and by the way, thank you for that. If you didn't have such a big a$$ head maybe my kids wouldn't have been 10 lbs!!
I left my email on my post if you want to email me. I can forward you stuff i found on the web.. Let me know if you find any good articles about alimony and stay at home mom's if u find any, okay?
Nighty Night, Dust..It was great chatting with ya!
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