Joa, He may be angry with you after the divorce and he may not. I was very kind to ex but not when it came to splitting our assests. Ex was very greedy during our divorce and that is where I laid down the law. I did it in a firm but loving was. Today, ex is happy to send me money each month. They do get over the anger. Ex and I actually left mediation together. One hour earlier, he didn't even want to settle. He was going to take it to court. The fear of the unknown was worse than the huge amount of money he was going to have to pay. Today I thank him for the money he pays to me each month even though it is very much owed to me. He appreciates that.
Here is a chapter from that same book that relates to this subject.
Quote: CHAPTER 16 RESOLVE DISPUTES WITHOUT CONFLICT In every divorce, there are certain issues that need to be resolved. Decisions need to be made about the care and support of the children. How will the debts and the property be divided? How you go about resolving these issues is extremely important. It determines the type of divorce you have and it sets the stage for how your relationship will be in the future. Normally we handle these questions in a way that causes tremendous damage. Here’s what usually happens: Two people start out being in love. Then someone gets hurt. Then that person puts up his or her walls of protection and automatically withdraws and becomes critical of the other. Then the other person gets upset and becomes more judgmental toward the first person. Without knowing, the couple creates a cycle of conflict that goes on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the problem. The suffering that comes from this conflict is painful enough, but as soon as you add the threat of losing your children, your financial resources and your well-being, the situation quickly becomes much worse. Now the situation is threatening. This potential loss of well-being can be a serious threat to a person’s survival. It can make a person fight as though his or her life depends on it. The moment this happens, the cycle of conflict escalates dramatically. Often this conflict escalates into full scale war. People become so full of fear, upset, anger and resentment, that they do horrible things to each other. The hurt and destruction are enormous. Relationships are destroyed and financial resources are lost. The pain and suffering are often so great that people never recover. The sad part is that none of this conflict and suffering is necessary. 81 We believe that we have to fight to protect ourselves. We think that if we just fight hard enough, then somehow, everything will get resolved in our favor, but this doesn’t happen. In fact, the opposite is true. The more you fight someone, the more of a threat you become to that person. You then force that person to fight you even harder. This in turn puts you at even greater risk. Everything you do as an adversary creates more adversariness against you and makes your situation worse. Besides, when all the fighting is over, the issues that you fought so hard to win rarely get resolved the way you want them to. In most cases, the issues get resolved in some sort of compromise with no one being happy. The final solution is one that could have been worked out between the two of you with a lot less effort and a lot less expense. The key to resolving issues without conflict is to stop being a threat to the other person. Be committed to finding solutions that are fair and that work for everyone. When someone is committed to everyone’s well being, the adversarial process stops. How can you fight someone who’s on your side? As a matter of physics, adversariness requires two opposing forces. When one opposing force is removed, the adversariness disappears. It takes two people to be adversaries. It only takes one person to stop it. As soon as you draw sides against someone, you create an opposing force. So don’t draw sides. Keep your focus on finding solutions where everyone wins. This is the key to resolving issues without conflict. When you focus on everyone’s well-being, you create an environment of cooperation and understanding. You can then work together to find solutions, and when you look for solutions, you find them. This is how you resolve issues. You find solutions. This makes perfect sense, but as crazy as it may seem, in an adversarial situation, there is no focus on finding solutions. None. All the focus is on winning. 82 When there is no focus on resolving issues, they don’t get resolved. Trying to resolve issues in an adversarial situation is like playing tug-of-war. It takes forever to accomplish anything and every step is full of effort and struggle. In most contested cases, the people are so caught up in the fighting that they don’t even know what the issues are. It’s insane. So keep your focus on finding solutions. Look for the other person’s fears and concerns. Look beyond what the person is asking and find what the person needs. For example, the real issue behind most custody cases is the fear of losing the children. When you can insure easy access and broad visitation, the fear loses power, and so does the need to fight for custody. If the issue is child support or alimony, you can find what the court would do and agree to that. If you can’t come to an agreement, use the services of a mediator. Whatever the issue, there is a way to resolve it. Sometimes you find the answers quickly. Sometimes you don’t. Just make sure you don’t quit. Finding solutions that work for everyone also includes you. A commitment to everyone doesn’t mean that you have to give up your soul in the name of cooperation. You don’t have to be taken advantage of. Sometimes you need to be careful. Some people are dishonest. Sometimes you need to say “no.” Sometimes you may need to go to the judge. Do whatever it takes to have find solutions that work for both you. Just don’t lose sight of your commitment to everyone’s well-being. Even if the other person demands everything and refuses to cooperate, don’t draw sides. As difficult as your situation may seem at the moment, it can get much worse. Keep looking for solutions that work for everyone. The type of divorce and the type of relationship you have is determined by how you treat the other person and how you resolve your differences. 83 You can keep your pride, draw sides and go to town on each other; or you can be committed to a relationship where everyone comes out ahead. The one you choose will affect the entire rest of your life. 84 EXAMPLE Brad and Carol were in the process of divorce. Brad wanted to part as friends, but found it very difficult. Carol was very demanding. She wanted to receive unreasonably high child support, most of the property, and none of the debts. She didn’t care about Brad’s welfare, and when she didn’t get what she wanted, she became abusive. Brad’s, natural tendency was to fight. He wanted to declare war, pay her nothing, and seek custody of the children. This situation could have very easily turned into a nightmare. Fortunately, Brad was more interested in the welfare of the children and his future relationship with Carol than he was in being an adversary. He continued to work with Carol and do whatever he could to heal their relationship. He also said “no” whenever he felt it was appropriate. When Carol got mad, he let her be angry, and he still said “no.” He didn’t attack her or even draw sides against her. He kept looking for solutions that worked for both of them. Eventually their relationship began to heal, but Carol’s demands remained unrealistic. Instead of considering her demands as an attack, he respected her different opinion. He just didn’t agree. When it became apparent that they would never reach an agreement, Brad asked for the judge to decide. Even at the courthouse, Brad refused to say anything bad about Carol. When the trial ended, the judge did almost exactly what Brad had initially offered. Carol didn’t like it, but she no longer blamed Brad. Since they never became adversaries, there were no battle scars and no resentments. Once the divorce was over, the relationship healed quickly. Brad saw his children often and developed a close, supportive relationship with Carol. Brad’s refusal to draw sides against Carol avoided an almost certain war. He was able to say “no” without putting Carol on the defensive. He was able to resolve their issues in a way that allowed their relationship to heal. He kept the peace. 85 ACTION TO TAKE • Notice how your demands and actions have been threatening to the other person. Notice how you have forced that person to protect him or herself from you. • Refuse to draw sides against the other person. Don’t be adversarial. Don’t be a threat. • Look at the situation from the other person’s point of view. Look for that person’s fears and concerns. • Be committed to finding solutions that work for both of you. Keep looking for what it takes to resolve the issues. Don’t give up. Be willing to flow. Be flexible. Work together as much as you can. • If you can’t come to an agreement, use the services of a mediator. • Find solutions that work for you too. Be willing to say “no” when appropriate. 86
If you give me an email account, I will email the whole book to you. Same to you Velvet.
Ex and I were fighting over a business. When I sent him the my appraiser's valuation, he laughed. When his appraiser's valuation came back at almost the same number, he was furious. He sent me an email saying that business is worth nothing more than the inventory on the shelf and the money in the bank. I responded with, see you at mediation!
