Yes!!!! My ex was terribly angry for a very long time and today we get along better than ever.
My ex was so angry at me!!!!!!!!!! He was so cruel and filed for divorce in the meanest way. It took a lot of work on my part to diffuse his anger and have a loving relationship with him again.
You asked if they ever realized the err of their ways.....Yes, my ex realized the err of his ways after I realized the err of my ways first. He now understands his mistakes almost to a fault and is dealing with a lot of shame and guilt.
I apologized and let him know that I understoond how much pain I caused him. Apologizing in the beginning is probably useless even though I think a little bit of apologizing is necessary or your may come across angry and bitter. Too much apologizing comes across as pathetic. When time passed and I came across as a stronger and more secure person, I apologized in a way that made ex believe I was sorry. Others may disagree with this, but it worked for me. Some say that apologizing brings back memories of the past. This is true because sometimes when I apologized ex would get frustrated and say he just wanted to forget all that stuff and move forward. However, apologizing and truly being sorry made a huge improvement in his anger.
How long did it take....honestly it took over a year. A lot of resentment and anger had been created, and it took a lot of time to get past that.
It takes a lot of patience......I just read this post and thought I should share it here from the "I Need Support for my Marital Problems" forum by Amy C.
Quote: I make it a point to pay really close attention when someone elderly speaks to me. They often have a keen insight into matters of the heart.
When I was at my old job and deeply mired in my MLC and seeking divorce- I worked on the 3rd floor but was checking production status' on the first floor, where there was also an insurance agency. An elderly black man was coming out of the insurance agency. He had a walker and was headed towards the big glass doors so I stepped over to get the door for him and then I stepped outside with him as his ride pulled up. When I turned to go back inside he looked right into my eyes and he said "as surely as the sun rises, time changes things". That rocked my world. I felt like I had just been prophesied to. It gave me chills again just now as I typed it. I NEVER forgot that. That was last Spring - almost a year ago and look what I am doing now. Fighting to save my marriage. Always listen to those older than you. 9 times out of 10, I'd bet they are dead on.
Amy
Personally, I took specific steps to help with ex's anger.
1. I practiced specific techniques that I learned in a book called "How to Heal A Painful Relationship" by Bill Ferguson. This is a specific chapter that hit home.
Quote: RELEASE THE OTHER PERSON’S UPSETS To remove the distance in a relationship, you need to release your upsets.You also need to release the other person’s upsets. Usually this is the exact opposite of what we do. Instead of encouraging communication, we discourage it. We don’t want to hear that people are upset at us. We don’t like people pointing at our responsibility. We don’t like looking at certain aspects of ourselves. We don’t want to hear what people have to say. So we resist their communication.
We argue with people and tell them that what they say is not true. We tell them that they’re wrong and that they shouldn’t feel the way they do. Sometimes we even attack. We’ll do anything rather than hear a communication that we don’t like. We act as though the person’s upset will somehow disappear if we don’t listen to it. Obviously, this doesn’t happen.
If someone is upset at you, keeping the upset from being communicated certainly won’t make it go away. Suppressing an upset only makes it worse. The upset gets stronger and now the person has a new upset for having been suppressed. When someone can’t communicate an upset directly, the upset will be communicated indirectly. The person may have an affair or just be resentful. One way or another, the upset will always be communicated.
It’s much better to get an upset communicated directly than indirectly. To the extent that you are able to understand and appreciate someone’s upset, the upset loses power and no longer needs to be expressed. Resisting a communication also produces more conflict. When you resist what someone says, that person must then either suppress the communication or communicate the upset more forcefully. When the upset is said more forcefully, you feel threatened and resist even more. Then both of you become more frustrated and more upset.
This is what happens in any argument. Both of you are resisting what the other is saying. If either one of you would stop resisting and hear the other person’s communication, the argument would end.
The key to releasing someone’s upset is to have the other person say whatever he or she is upset about. Let the person get the upset off his or her chest. Ask what the person is upset about. Have the person tell you how he or she feels. Pull the upset out. Get it said.
If the person is ranting and raving, that’s fine. It’s much better to have the upset expressed than to have it kept inside. Keep pulling the upset out. Listen to what the person has to say and listen to the communication from his or her point of view. You don’t have to like what’s being said or even agree. You don’t have to do anything. Just listen. “Yes, you are angry. You feel I let you down. You hate me. Yes, I understand. I don’t blame you. Is there anything else?”
The communication may not be true, but it’s true to the other person, and that’s what counts. The more you can appreciate and understand what someone is upset about, the more the upset disappears. It’s just like taking the wind out of a sail.
By having the other person release his or her upsets, you can remove the distance and restore the love in your relationship.
EXAMPLE
Gene felt like Lynn hated him. No matter what he did, it was never enough. Lynn was always upset about something. Then Gene discovered that he had made it almost impossible for Lynn to communicate. Whenever Lynn got upset, he would fight and argue. He would never let her say what she was upset about. When Lynn couldn’t communicate her upsets, she had to keep them inside. She felt suppressed and became more upset and more resentful.
Once Gene saw what was happening, he was eager to hear what Lynn had to say. He told her that he really wanted to know what she was upset about. He promised not to argue with her. Lynn seized the opportunity and blasted him. She told him that she thought he was a loser and that she had no respect for him. She told him how angry she was.
It hurt to hear what Lynn had to say, but Gene continued to listen. He kept asking, “Is there anything else that you’ve been upset about?” As Lynn expressed her upsets, they quickly lost power and disappeared. Lynn then became less defensive and more accepting of Gene. Eventually, she explained how deeply hurt she had been by some things Gene said years ago. She had kept this hurt inside and had been protective ever since.
Once Lynn said everything she was upset about, Gene did the same. He told her how angry and hurt he was for not being accepted. He told Lynn all the things that upset him, but he made sure that he didn’t blame Lynn or try to change her.
By the time both of them had said everything they could think of, their relationship had changed. The protectiveness disappeared and the intimacy returned. Gene and Lynn were closer than they had been in years.
By making it safe for Lynn to communicate, Gene released Lynn’s upsets and restored the love in his relationship.
ACTION TO TAKE • Listen to whatever the other person has to say, and listen from his or her point of view. Don’t fight or argue. Just listen. • Pull out the other person’s upsets. Do whatever you can to have the other person say what he or she is upset about. Ask, “Is there anything else that you’ve been upset about?” • If the person is ranting and raving, that’s okay. Just keep listening and pulling out the upset. Remember that you don’t have to like it or agree. Just listen. • Make it safe for the other person to communicate anything.
2. I read posts from walk-aways to try to see ex's point of view. Ceberon's posts helped the most. He has many good posts in this single thread.
3. I wrote an apology letter from things I learned from Ceberon's thread. Here is an expert from my letter.
Quote: "I see how you were hopelessly trying to find happiness in your life with me. I see how painful it must have been for you to feel so trapped in such an unhappy situation. I see how all of your hopes and dreams were also destroyed."
I see how hard it must have been for you to file for divorce. I realize how scared you must have been to come out looking like the bad guy.
I apologized for specific things in that letter and I also made it clear that my apology included no pressure. Ex appreciated that letter so much. After that letter I never apologized again. That was it!!! No more going into the past again. Please know that I sent that letter 14 months after our separation started. Anytime sooner would have come across as manupulative for me. I was angry myself for a very long time.
4. I forgave ex. I read anything I could on forgiveness so I could learn how to do it. It was hard to do.
5. I seperated my anger from ex's anger. I made them out to be two separate issues in my head even though my anger caused his anger caused my anger etc..... I apologized to ex for the pain I caused him all the while not even bringing the pain he caused me to mind. There was time for that later.
6. I read things in the bible about forgiveness and I read stories about people who forgave others for a lot worse. One book was by Joyce Meyers. Her father molested her and she forgave him and even has a relationship with him. I thought, if she can forgive her dad, I can forgive ex.
Hope this helps. Hang in there because things do get easier. I know everyone keeps telling you that, but it is a belief worth holding on to.
