Hi everyone...I have not been here on the boards for several days...I have been urged by a few of my close friends on here that I contact privately that I should give an update on my sitch because right now it looks like a very joyful story...I have hesitated because I want to make sure this is all real and I dont want to upset my Creator and have Him think I am a "know it all"...I know He can quickly teach me that I am not...I am hoping He will see me as an instrument to lift others, give them hope in their sitch and honor marriage as an institution that I have always felt deep down in my heart it was...so here is my humble story...
I am so grateful right now...I realize that detaching is the only way to achieve what looks like the absolute miracle of miracles of my lifetime...I had come to the conclusion only ten days ago that this M was done...before my feet hit the ground that day I had decided I would finally grant my beautiful beloved W the divorce she seemed to want...I called her that morning and told her that I was resolute in doing it...I had had enough and I was done also...well, before I knew it the conversation did a complete 180 on both our parts...please check my link below to my previous thread because I continued posting from the day I resigned myself to the D ten days ago right up until several days ago...there were some real rocky times several days after that...it seemed that my WAW was blissful ten days ago then she started to regress to the point three days later, exactly a week ago, that she absolutely spouted the most venemous monologue that I ever seen or heard from her...somehow I found the grace and strength to not retaliate but held my ground firmly kept on stating we needed to get to counseling and the Retrouvaille program...there was obviously love for us to avert D at the eleventh hour but I thought that a third party had to get us through this eventually...my priest had finally recognized that we were two people who deep down had love for each other but we were hurting from the past...he finally forcefully and firmly advocated to my W a hand picked pro marriage counselor and Retrouvaille...
I realized a week ago that my W had to go through her tirade with me...it was like a wound that has to bleed clean to get the infection out...my grace and strength under that pressure touched her...she was nothing but apologetic hours later and saw that my restraint was a sign of courage, respect and love for her...I was assertive and loving but not aggressive and a doormat...that fine line which a woman finds attractive...she felt safe both from my assertiveness and non retaliation at the same time and she was able to largely empty herself of the things that had hardened her heart...amazing...
Since last weekend when my beautiful W wholeheartedly and absolutely agreed to counseling and Retrouvaille she is doing pretty much whatever is necessary to save this M and has started to show me that this M is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN HER LIFE, this has been maybe the most blissful period of my life and I think hers too...we are so connected, more so than when we first met...we are taking it so slow and want to do this right...we are starting counseling in two weeks and are enrolled in the next Retrouvaille session next month...we are determined to keep only positive influences in our life that supports our M...this means anyone short of family who does not support us in our efforts will not be in our life...something I always believed but my W initiated that thought this time around...my W had a rough time last night but she actually took on all her friends and make this proclamation last night to them...she is showing me courage and commitment in ACTION and DEEDS more than I would have dreamed...she has come to the conclusion, on her own, that if her M is not right the other aspects of her life will be not right...for her, it all starts with her M...if the M is right, it will allow her to be the best parent, sister, employee or any role she needs to play in her life...I never thought I would see her absolutely believe in this...I thought if there was any chance of getting back with her that I would have to resign myself that the M came after the kids and whatever other crisis might be happening in her life...
Now what does this have to do with detaching?? Well, the point is that you cannot get anyone to do anything...they have to do it for themselves...if you detach, then you give them the space to do it on their own...if your R was meant to be then that is the ONLY way it will happen...now here is the hardest part, you must truly detach...you must detach not just physically but totally emotionally also...you must convince yourself that you DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR SPOUSE IS DOING AND IT FEELS GREAT to not have that anxiety...I am perhaps the most impatient person in the world...however impatient anyone out there thinks they are, believe me, I got you beat!! If I can do this, then anyone can if they have the resolve to do it...if you fear D then that is exactly what you will get because your fears and anxiety WILL manifest itself into reality...this has proven itself time and time again...how do you really really overcome anxiety and truly detach? for me it was two fold: first, it was to GAL...do whatever you have to do to get a life, please do it for yourself primarily...that approach has to be that way for you to maintain the detachment of body and soul...second, because you are going down a path that requires blind faith which has to be nourished, find strength in prayer...it is so powerful once you truly let go of your fears and anxiety...God does not want us to have anxiety...He wants us to be happy...we are all His creation...dont ever forget that...once you truly let go of your anxiety and trust that God has the plan for you, you can confront anything that happens...trust me on this...
I know there might be some bumpy days ahead but I will continue to trust in His plan...right now my W needs a gentle loving strength...I will continue to provide this to her and she will continue to demonstrate her love in ACTIONS...it is clearly validated how much she loves me...she is calling me several times a day and wants to see me whenever she can...I do not have to come to her at this point...she is coming to me...I am getting all the emotional nourishment I can handle right now from her yet I am still giving her the space I feel she needs to feel safe to give herself to me...every sitch is a little different...there is no textbook way to handle any of this but there are a few basics...GAL and the power of prayer allowing detachment is it in a nutshell...how you do it might vary but that, in my humble opinion, are the basic concepts...
I cant say enough about the kind individuals here on the boards who have stopped by with their kind hearts and interest...those out there should listen to some of the veteran DBers...I think what they will say is pretty much what I have tried to convey here...dont fight the basic concepts because the longer you fight it and not get with the program the longer it will take to get out of limbo...
Stay strong and healthy in body and soul...good luck to everyone...God Bless to all!!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
This is one of the best success stories I've read on this board. And Tampa, you articulate it wonderfully. We can all learn from you.
Detaching is not easy. Good things in this life do not come easy. If we can give someone up and truly let them go, they might turn around and come back to us. And we and our mates are healthier, happier, closer, more fulfilled, and more confident than before.
No guarantees here.
If we detach and find that we're meant to live WITHOUT our WAS, then we are a better person and have learned to carry on with strength.
If we detach and find we're meant to live WITH our WAS, then we are a better person and have learned to carry on with strength.
No matter the outcome, we are a stronger person than if we hadn't detached.
Tampa you're a great teacher and we can learn much from your strength and perseverance.
My W and I spent nearly the whole weekend together...Friday night she stayed over till late...didnt even think I was going to see her that night...Saturday afternoon, we took my StepD15 shopping...first time I had seen her in months...my W wants to ease her into seeing me...she is the only one that is not sold on this reconciliation it seems...my StepS16 and I spend time together and have also hung very easily together...just dropped him off at the townhouse where they are now after we sat and watch a DVD...my StepS is definitely warm to me and always says ILY to me in a very comfortable way...he is just dying to have a good male role model in his life...my StepD will come around eventually...she is just cautiously eyeing this whole thing...my W has told me that for her daughter it is all about her seeing her mother happy and once she is convinced that this is happiness that is permanent and can be trusted she will fall in...I have no doubt...
Saturday night was wonderful...we started with dinner then a movie, Big Momma 2, and then had a wonderful time at a jazz/martini bar...the band was really good, the sax was jamming, we drank pretty well and danced our butts off...my W had slyly made sure the kids were staying over at friend's house and we came back here to the house and ML...it was incredible the way this is all happening...it is real but it is so good that it is almost surreal...my W has latched onto every concept it seems that makes a good marriage...oh check this out, Friday night when she was over, she went into my jewelry box and swiped my wedding ring...when I picked her up Saturday to go out and she had her wedding ring on and when I said I had to go back to the house to pick mine up she pulled out my ring and put it on my hand...this woman is the best and most romantic a guy could have!! She said that she wanted to go out that night and have everyone know that we are married and belong to each other...I still dont really call her but like I said in a previous post, I probably wouldnt have the chance to call her because she is calling me all the time or wants to see me...it is incredible!!
Today was another joyful series of events...my StepD15 apparently lost her cellphone and some kid found it...my W called up all distressed because she didnt know where the kid was that found it and was very uneasy just hopping into the car and making about a half hour drive to meet someone on her own...she asked me to go with her...I was glad to do it...we came back after retrieving the cellphone and laid down on the couch together and watched "The Five People You Meet When You Get to Heaven"...I wound up falling asleep with her in my arms but for those who saw it there is a part where one of the five people that the main character meets is his wife who had passed away years ago...when I woke up my wife was crying and it was over that whole scene and she went on about how much love that couple shared and how the widowed man could never have a love again after his wife passed...my W told me she feels the same way about me and can never love another forever the way she loves me...I am happily dumbfounded...I really am...
The topper of the whole weekend was when we went to evening mass...there was a ceremony emptying out when we got there...well, who walks out of that ceremony and literally bangs right into us in the main aisle of the church was none other than my W's best or maybe former best friend who also doubles as my ex W...geesh...well, I hugged her and said hello but she looked like she was almost in tears...the woman has stated that she is not in favor of my W and I reconciling...her problem I guess...my W told her a few days ago that anyone who doesnt support our M from here on in is out of our life...
Mind you, this was the first time in four months I have been to church with my W...well, during the homily, the priest presiding over the mass makes an announcement that today was Worldwide Marriage Day and he asked all married couples to stand so he could bless the marriage!!! We held each other so tight at that point when we stood...I cant believe all that is happening in an almost divine way...for instance, the date this whole process really took hold was February 6th, last Monday...at that point there was definitely no looking back...my W had decided that she was going to counseling and Retrouvaille and commited to making this marriage work and it has been nothing but bliss since then without a single misstep of word and deed since...my W knows I have a deep spiritual connection to my deceased father and often in prayer I ask for him to intercede in my life and I believe he has done this enough to make me still pray to him often especially during times of crisis...well, guess what last Monday, February 6th was?? the eleventh anniversary of his passing!! if this all wasnt so good I would think it is spooky the way all these signs and coincidences are happening...I should start really writing these things down because it is happening two or three times a day...my wife is big on signs and spirituality and she is grabbing hold of everyone of them...
Women are amazingly intuitive creatures...men, dont EVER think you can EVER put something over on your lady...I asked my W what is the sense she has that I am different and that she feels comfortable and can trust me...she told me today that it is the just the look in my eyes and how I touch her...she says she feels how deeply I love her just from my look and touch...incredible!!
My W is going to Iowa tomorrow for six days...my W has told me a few times this weekend how much she will miss me...I told her to focus on her sister and the operation she is going through...her family needs her now for her support...I told her that I will miss her too but now that she is totally and absolutely emotionally present with me at all times I will be with her as she is with me...my missing her will be longing for her rather than a needy or a selfish feeling when your spouse is not there with you because have not been emotionally fed and nourished...it is a oneness that we now both feel is essential to a solid M...
Well, tomorrow starts a new day and new opportunities...I had my last cigarette twenty four hours ago...6AM tomorrow I start working out again five days a week...starting off with a trainer to kick things off and get into high gear...really going to get healthy now...my W, who also stopped smoking five weeks ago, said that we better stay healthy because we better plan on having a very long life together of happiness...she is always talking about the future now...
You couldnt find this stuff in a movie...I dont know what to say except I am in awe and humbled...I am telling you people...truly truly detach, GAL and ask your Maker for help...and once your prayers have been answered never take it for granted again!!
God Bless to all and stay strong!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
Hey brother, I am so happy to hear that your marriage is going so well! I am so excited. I hope that we can speak again on the telephone so that you can provide me with some support again. I told you about a book and you said that you didn't want to get it until things started to work out. "Marriage Fitness," by Mort Fertel. I read this book and it is awesome. It will help you develop a close oneness with your wife. Begin reading it now. I am going to take your advice and GAL and detach. My wife had told me that she has noticed that I have changed, but nothing has happened. I feel that she is still testing me and I have responded in my same old ways. Contact me...or call me if you still have my # Marcus.Henry@asu.edu
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Wow!!!!! This is like a real-life spiritual fairy tale.
And the coincidences or psychic incidents are awesome. Goes to show you that God and our spirituality will manifest in profound ways if we pray and persevere in the face of doubt and darkness.
Feel the pain and give up, and the rewards may be breathtaking. You've proved this can happen.
I also feel that our deceased loved-ones can sometimes intervene and help.
Thanks for sharing the good news. It's great to hear success stories--gives us hope. Keep us up to date.
Thank you TAG...but I am surely no better than anyone out there...along with the arrogance I used to have was a too prideful way which we all know is one of the seven sins...I am humbled but I still have my confidence...things are more in check now...I have a peace and contentment that I have all I need and then some and what I will need He will provide in one way or another...
When I picked up my wife to take her to the airport I was wondering out loud if you can have too much happiness that you start to maybe get anxiety that you are being set up for a sucker punch...the way this is happening with the all the signs, two or three a day, coincidental maybe but too many of them to just chalk it up to dumb luck...I know I dont deserve all this and the way it is happening and maybe that is why I feel the other shoe is going to drop...I dont think there is a human being that deserves this much happiness and if there is I have never met that person...it all is happening like a light switch has been flipped on...I am sorry if I keep repeating the same theme but I am blissfully in shock and keep on getting shocked with all my beloved W is saying and showing me in her ACTIONS...
That is all for now...keep on detaching with body, mind and soul, GAL and take your hands off the wheel and let Him steer!! Once you have purely achieved all three then good things will happen...count on it...
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
WOW, TampaGuy! I can't tell you how inspriational this is, after this weekend. For some reason I really hit bottom on Sunday while in church. I just felt...done. Drained. Down for the count. I haven't seen one whit of emotion, caring, or anything in five months from my MLC/WAW. It's like talking to a robot. I had absolutely hit rock bottom.
In church, though...as I sat there with tears in my eyes, telling God "No more, please..." I got the weirdest feeling of comfort and peace afterwards. Like I was being told everything would be all right. I hope that was divine intervention and not some weird voice in my head...
You give me and others hope, TG. Best of luck and God bless!
"When you're going through hell...keep going." -Sir Winston Churchill
