Hi everyone...I have not been here on the boards for several days...I have been urged by a few of my close friends on here that I contact privately that I should give an update on my sitch because right now it looks like a very joyful story...I have hesitated because I want to make sure this is all real and I dont want to upset my Creator and have Him think I am a "know it all"...I know He can quickly teach me that I am not...I am hoping He will see me as an instrument to lift others, give them hope in their sitch and honor marriage as an institution that I have always felt deep down in my heart it was...so here is my humble story...
I am so grateful right now...I realize that detaching is the only way to achieve what looks like the absolute miracle of miracles of my lifetime...I had come to the conclusion only ten days ago that this M was done...before my feet hit the ground that day I had decided I would finally grant my beautiful beloved W the divorce she seemed to want...I called her that morning and told her that I was resolute in doing it...I had had enough and I was done also...well, before I knew it the conversation did a complete 180 on both our parts...please check my link below to my previous thread because I continued posting from the day I resigned myself to the D ten days ago right up until several days ago...there were some real rocky times several days after that...it seemed that my WAW was blissful ten days ago then she started to regress to the point three days later, exactly a week ago, that she absolutely spouted the most venemous monologue that I ever seen or heard from her...somehow I found the grace and strength to not retaliate but held my ground firmly kept on stating we needed to get to counseling and the Retrouvaille program...there was obviously love for us to avert D at the eleventh hour but I thought that a third party had to get us through this eventually...my priest had finally recognized that we were two people who deep down had love for each other but we were hurting from the past...he finally forcefully and firmly advocated to my W a hand picked pro marriage counselor and Retrouvaille...
I realized a week ago that my W had to go through her tirade with me...it was like a wound that has to bleed clean to get the infection out...my grace and strength under that pressure touched her...she was nothing but apologetic hours later and saw that my restraint was a sign of courage, respect and love for her...I was assertive and loving but not aggressive and a doormat...that fine line which a woman finds attractive...she felt safe both from my assertiveness and non retaliation at the same time and she was able to largely empty herself of the things that had hardened her heart...amazing...
Since last weekend when my beautiful W wholeheartedly and absolutely agreed to counseling and Retrouvaille she is doing pretty much whatever is necessary to save this M and has started to show me that this M is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN HER LIFE, this has been maybe the most blissful period of my life and I think hers too...we are so connected, more so than when we first met...we are taking it so slow and want to do this right...we are starting counseling in two weeks and are enrolled in the next Retrouvaille session next month...we are determined to keep only positive influences in our life that supports our M...this means anyone short of family who does not support us in our efforts will not be in our life...something I always believed but my W initiated that thought this time around...my W had a rough time last night but she actually took on all her friends and make this proclamation last night to them...she is showing me courage and commitment in ACTION and DEEDS more than I would have dreamed...she has come to the conclusion, on her own, that if her M is not right the other aspects of her life will be not right...for her, it all starts with her M...if the M is right, it will allow her to be the best parent, sister, employee or any role she needs to play in her life...I never thought I would see her absolutely believe in this...I thought if there was any chance of getting back with her that I would have to resign myself that the M came after the kids and whatever other crisis might be happening in her life...
Now what does this have to do with detaching?? Well, the point is that you cannot get anyone to do anything...they have to do it for themselves...if you detach, then you give them the space to do it on their own...if your R was meant to be then that is the ONLY way it will happen...now here is the hardest part, you must truly detach...you must detach not just physically but totally emotionally also...you must convince yourself that you DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR SPOUSE IS DOING AND IT FEELS GREAT to not have that anxiety...I am perhaps the most impatient person in the world...however impatient anyone out there thinks they are, believe me, I got you beat!! If I can do this, then anyone can if they have the resolve to do it...if you fear D then that is exactly what you will get because your fears and anxiety WILL manifest itself into reality...this has proven itself time and time again...how do you really really overcome anxiety and truly detach? for me it was two fold: first, it was to GAL...do whatever you have to do to get a life, please do it for yourself primarily...that approach has to be that way for you to maintain the detachment of body and soul...second, because you are going down a path that requires blind faith which has to be nourished, find strength in prayer...it is so powerful once you truly let go of your fears and anxiety...God does not want us to have anxiety...He wants us to be happy...we are all His creation...dont ever forget that...once you truly let go of your anxiety and trust that God has the plan for you, you can confront anything that happens...trust me on this...
I know there might be some bumpy days ahead but I will continue to trust in His plan...right now my W needs a gentle loving strength...I will continue to provide this to her and she will continue to demonstrate her love in ACTIONS...it is clearly validated how much she loves me...she is calling me several times a day and wants to see me whenever she can...I do not have to come to her at this point...she is coming to me...I am getting all the emotional nourishment I can handle right now from her yet I am still giving her the space I feel she needs to feel safe to give herself to me...every sitch is a little different...there is no textbook way to handle any of this but there are a few basics...GAL and the power of prayer allowing detachment is it in a nutshell...how you do it might vary but that, in my humble opinion, are the basic concepts...
I cant say enough about the kind individuals here on the boards who have stopped by with their kind hearts and interest...those out there should listen to some of the veteran DBers...I think what they will say is pretty much what I have tried to convey here...dont fight the basic concepts because the longer you fight it and not get with the program the longer it will take to get out of limbo...
Stay strong and healthy in body and soul...good luck to everyone...God Bless to all!!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
