Ebb & Flow

[hopefloats7]

I'm not trying to be negative here but you've carried so much pain and the burden of this M on your shoulders for so many months. It's not healthy, mentally or physically. I worry about you. I wish I could take all the pain away for you. I know you have a heart of gold and I hate to see it being torn apart as it is now. You're worth much more than that and don't you ever doubt it.

Sassy,
Thank you very much; you're right, I have endured a lot of pain and burden. Not looking for pity mind you, but this is the truth. Then I think about my H. and I realize he also must have been enduring his own pain and burdens, plus the added complication of keeping all of what was going on from me. It is a wonder he was able to go to work and function like a normal human being.
I am scared, Sassy, for certain. I know I would have a lot of support/help from my family. They would do anything to help me relocate, and all that this would entail. But I know my core. I know that I would still miss my H. and want to work things out, no matter what papers are signed or where I have to move to. I can't help feeling that way; I wish it were different.
All reasons to hold on for hope that it will turn around
I think there are so many reasons. I know sometimes I come here and sound really defeated, that H. doesn't care about me, otherwise this wouldn't be happening.
But then after some time to think about it, I still feel that there is a love between us despite what has gone on. Maybe I'm fooling myself, I don't know.
It feels very near impossible to release ALL hope and give up.

[NYsurvivor]

I wish I could understand why I still want to be with my husband, despite his issues. I guess it’s just too hard to stop loving him and I can't imagine being with anyone else. It just feels like we should still be together. I can't explain it.

It's a "feeling", not fact. It would be worth brutally examining your issues in wanting H back, without the romantic notions, considering that he is 'struggling to push himself away from you and running', goes from one OW to another, is engaged in destructive behavior and does not want to be with you. That's probably where your therapist is going to go with you.

I made a vow; I'm trying to keep it.

Marriage is a civil contract. He's breached that contract, you're under no obligation to keep your end of it.

I wish my husband would stop fighting, stop struggling to push himself away from me and stop running. If he could do that...

he would see things a little more clearly...

He could realize that...

and we could start over.

I wish for this to stop, and if it did, he...

Wishes and Ifs about what you'd like H to do... things that he may never do, hasn't done, and unlikely to do now. This is you being into the 'dream', not the reality, do you see that?

[RBinBR]

Hope, I may be in the minority here, but I would say that you don't need to get a D right now if you don't want to. Knowing how strongly you still love your H, I would tell you that maybe you should simply get a legal separation, with a division of assets and a financial settlement. At that point, you can truly remove him from your life for a while, which is what you need. He is only a source of pain for you right now, and you need time and space to heal. With all the financial stuff done, getting a D then becomes very simple when you want it to happen.

On the other hand, it sometimes happens that the process of working with lawyers and dividing assets is the thing that brings a wayward spouse to his senses. He sees the future that's ahead of him and decides he doesn't want it. Or after the separation, he decides that he misses you and wants you back. I don't want you to get your hopes up at all, but I don't think there's anything wrong with giving your H every chance to reform. You will at least have the peace of knowing that you did everything you could.

So that's what I would do if I were you. Of course, this advice is probably worth what you paid for it.