Hope holding onto ones vows, is honorable, however, look deep into your actual emotions and motivation right now.
I question if fear is not a motivator, or lack thereof for you right now in holding on to your M. Its quite understandable that it would be. Low self-esteem, respect, rejection, the pain of what you are going through. Clinging on to an illusion, the dream of a man who you gave your heart to, the M when it was good. All reasons to hold on for hope that it will turn around.
There is the fear of the unknown, letting go and moving forward when you've spent more than half your adult life with someone, gave them your world. It can appear to be easier to stay clinging on to the M and the WAS than to let go and face the reality and the big bad world alone. Will there ever be someone else to love me like I believed he did, can I ever love someone, trust someone again? It's admittedly a scary world out there.
I want to reassure you that whatever your feeling right now, it's okay. As one of my dearest GFs told me, "only you will know when you have had enough." You may feel that this is the end, but it's not. It's truly not. And NYS said once, a D is nothing but a piece of paper. A chance to start over if and when he can get his life back together. But there is nothing that you can say or do to help him in this journey. I know first hand experience. Sometimes they change and in the case of my exH, they don't really. They just move on.
I'm not trying to be negative here but you've carried so much pain and the burden of this M on your shoulders for so many months. It's not healthy, mentally or physically. I worry about you. I wish I could take all the pain away for you. I know you have a heart of gold and I hate to see it being torn apart as it is now. You're worth much more than that and don't you ever doubt it.
