I have been keeping up with your sitch and I am really glad you are going to do what you need to do, mainly see a C, to take care of yourself.
Maybe my H. needs to hear me tell him that I love him, that I forgive him for what has happened and that I believe in us, despite what took place.
I think we all struggle with this belief but I have no idea if it's true of your H or my W. It would seem like they would need to hear this since we are constantly told that their guilt can be huge factor in them not returning. I know for me personally, getting a chance to express those things to my W is the major motivating factor in me wanting to talk to her about R and OM. I think you wanting to tell him those things is in keeping with your general desire to do all you can to save your marriage. The only question I have is this; do you think he doesn't know you love him and would forgive him just based on what he's observed from you? That is not a rhetorical question. I know that it has been suggested to us that we need only say certain things once and the message will be heard. You have, through your actions (and words too), been telling him that you still love him and want there to be an "us" in the future. Just be careful not to let this become another thing that looks needy. I know it comes from a good place, as does everything about you in this sitch, but remember, our WAS sometimes misinterpret these things into their own twisted reality. Stay strong and I really think your therapist can help. Make sure you go ASAP.
The problem is that H. is so unwilling to come back for a trial period, or work on our marriage at all, that I feel my hands are tied.
You have to go about things not contingent on H's coming back or not. That will untie your hands. Assume he's not coming back, as that more accurately reflects your reality, and look at your plans for life as if he will not be a part of it anymore. There's nothing about that, in the event of reconciliation, that would be an obstacle, not even the selling of the house or being divorced.
I have been told that even if we do D., H. would have to continue to cover my medical as part of the settlement. So, my health insurance isn't something I've been worried about. I hope I haven't been misinformed... I am trying to read up on divorce laws in my state
You're talking about the COBRA law. More accurately, in the event of divorce, you're no longer on H's policy, and the insurance provider has to offer you the same or comparable coverage you were getting while married, for a period of six months. However, it becomes your financial responsibility, and may cost more than before. After six months, the insurance stops. It's provided so that you're not left in a lurch and have time (six months) to make arrangements for yourself.
Now, in a SEPARATION settlement, you can have H continue to provide and pay for your insurance, as in a separation you two are still legally married.
Even in a DIVORCE settlement, you could have H agree to continue paying your premiums, but that would have to be negotiated.
NY has a type of "no fault" divorce available in two ways. You can file a separation agreement with the court and be legally separated for a period of one year, after which either party can file for divorce on the grounds of 'legally separated for one year'. That is not expensive to do, and it gives you one year's time if you're in no rush.
The second way is to file for divorce on the grounds of 'constructive abandonment', which simply means that one party (you) has been abandoned by your spouse for a period of one year. The other party signs off neither admitting nor denying anything, but agreeing to the divorce. Nice, clean and simple.
Any other grounds will cost you big bucks and lots more emotional grief. If you think of suing, for example, on grounds of adultery, you're going to have to go trial, and the associated court costs and legal fees, and the cost of proving the charges to the satisfaction of the court (PI videos/witnesses, etc,), will FAR exceed what you'd pay for obtaining the same divorce on either of the two above-mentioned "no fault" type grounds, where only filing fees are involved (and minimal attorney fees).
I still do not want a D. and I feel that it would be a mistake to do that. Maybe my H. needs to hear me tell him that I love him, that I forgive him for what has happened and that I believe in us, despite what took place. This is a man who has told me he hates himself; he can't look in the mirror at himself because of how ashamed he is. He is not making himself happier. At this point I think I need to be honest about my feelings for him so he understands that it is possible for me to love him despite what he did. Maybe he can take that away with him and think on it a while.
You can try that, but sweetie, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "But why???" This is also a man with a big problem and not a good partner for a relationship.
You can try that, but sweetie, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "But why???" This is also a man with a big problem and not a good partner for a relationship.
I really think that is THE question. Why do we hold on to people that are so emotionally screwed up that even if they DID stay with us they would not be healthy? He has a long road ahead as far as getting to a place that he could be in a healthy relationship. My STBXH is the same. He has so many internal issues, so much self-loathing, that he is seking happiness outside of himself. He isn't finding it. But he will keep looking and looking and when you no longer can make him feel good about himself [which is inevitable] he will start looking again.
I just feel like some people have so much healing to do that if they try to do it while IN a relationship all that happens is the partner has to expend SO MUCH energy to help them ultimately leaving themselves empty. Or that is what happened in my sitch. And ultiamtely it creates a man who thinks that he needs you to be healthy, which of course is the antithesis of true happiness.
I hope this wasn't completely convoluted.
Good luck Hope. Mourn the loss of your dream of a future but not the reality of what he has given you.
Imdi, Thank you for your advice in the wording; I will leave that part out, about it being a mistake. You’re right; that’s not good wording and will make him defensive.
It would seem like they would need to hear this since we are constantly told that their guilt can be huge factor in them not returning. I feel the same way and at times my H. has said this actually is a factor in why he won’t try. do you think he doesn't know you love him and would forgive him just based on what he's observed from you I am not sure. I think he knows it, but I also think he just cannot believe it because of how far over the line he has gone. I also feel that if he’s going to open up and tell me exactly what’s been going on, once he has said what he needs to say I want to make it clear to him that I still love him despite what has happened. Maybe up until this point he hasn’t been able to accept my forgiveness because he has NOT been completely honest yet. You can’t accept someone’s forgiveness if you haven’t been forthright with them.
NY S, Thank you very much for explaining that. It’s very confusing to me. For example, if he does decide to file, what kind of grounds does he possibly have? I didn’t do any abandoning! Thank you for explaining the COBRA law, too. I will keep this in mind and in the event I am faced with filing, then I will know I will still be covered in some manner. I am not going to try to sue him on adultery grounds. I know it would be very costly and just not worth the trouble. I mean, either way we’d still end up divorced; what does it matter the reason on the paperwork? I still feel that we could mediate. I don’t see that being a problem; the only thing is that it requires me to agree to file. H. & I have to do it together. I may need some time to think about this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Grateful, I wish I could understand why I still want to be with my husband, despite his issues. I guess it’s just too hard to stop loving him and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. It just feels like we should still be together. I can’t explain it. I do hear it from so many people: Hope, you can do so much better than this. You can find someone else who won’t treat you this way. Maybe. But he is still my H. and I love him. I made a vow; I’m trying to keep it. But he will keep looking and looking and when you no longer can make him feel good about himself [which is inevitable] he will start looking again. Yup. And perhaps this is why he has said he and o.w. have stopped seeing each other, and he’s seeing someone else. Actually, Grateful, this might be precisely why H. feels he can not be with me anymore. Being around me reminds him of what he has done, and makes him feel so disgusted with himself. He would rather seek out someone new that doesn’t make him feel like that; someone he hasn’t (yet) cheated on.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I don't know how to stop loving my husband either. I know he isn't in a healthy place. I have a really strong desire to reach down, pull him out of the muck and save him, hold him, make it all better. Bit I know it is just a temporary solution. I already tried it. I saved him once and he fell in love with me for it. He found joy by being with me, he gained hope in the world. And so we got married. I couldn't continue to feed all of the emptiness within him without making myself empty in the process. And that si what happened. I lost a big part of myself. And over time I thought he was better, healed.
He wasn't though. He just filled the emptiness with drugs and OW. So here we are, me still loving him, wishing like hell I wasn't getting divorced but realizing that I can only control me. he is not at a place to do the work that he needs to be in a healthy relationship. Man I wish he was. I love him so much, we have shared so much joy, so much depth, we have fun and laugh together, we can play, we enjoy the same things. BUT he is still empty inside. And he always will be until he realizes that NO ONE can fill that void except himself.
So I let go. I had to in order to preserve my sanity. hanging on to someone who doesn't want me and proves it regularly was really damaging to my self worth. I figure that I will always know him, I will always love him, and I haven't locked any doors yet.
Thank you for sharing that. I wish my husband would stop fighting, stop struggling to push himself away from me and stop running. If he could do that and take a breath and look around for a moment, he would see things a little more clearly. He could realize that there is still a lot of love and caring between us, and we could start over. I know I can’t control what another person does, but I can recognize destructive behavior and my H. is hurting himself by his actions. I wish for this to stop, and if it did, he might come around to seeing who has always been there for him, who really loves him, and won’t leave him even in the worst of times.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, you're an angel. Someday, your H will realize what he has done and be very sorry. It's too bad that there's no way to know whether that day will be tomorrow or ten years from now. I'm praying for you -- and for your H.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Hope holding onto ones vows, is honorable, however, look deep into your actual emotions and motivation right now.
I question if fear is not a motivator, or lack thereof for you right now in holding on to your M. Its quite understandable that it would be. Low self-esteem, respect, rejection, the pain of what you are going through. Clinging on to an illusion, the dream of a man who you gave your heart to, the M when it was good. All reasons to hold on for hope that it will turn around.
There is the fear of the unknown, letting go and moving forward when you've spent more than half your adult life with someone, gave them your world. It can appear to be easier to stay clinging on to the M and the WAS than to let go and face the reality and the big bad world alone. Will there ever be someone else to love me like I believed he did, can I ever love someone, trust someone again? It's admittedly a scary world out there.
I want to reassure you that whatever your feeling right now, it's okay. As one of my dearest GFs told me, "only you will know when you have had enough." You may feel that this is the end, but it's not. It's truly not. And NYS said once, a D is nothing but a piece of paper. A chance to start over if and when he can get his life back together. But there is nothing that you can say or do to help him in this journey. I know first hand experience. Sometimes they change and in the case of my exH, they don't really. They just move on.
I'm not trying to be negative here but you've carried so much pain and the burden of this M on your shoulders for so many months. It's not healthy, mentally or physically. I worry about you. I wish I could take all the pain away for you. I know you have a heart of gold and I hate to see it being torn apart as it is now. You're worth much more than that and don't you ever doubt it.
(wipes tear) Thank you. I hope you are right that someday H. will be sorry for this. I just hate to have to go through a D. in order for that day to come. It would be so much easier if he could realize it now, before we have to undertake all the pain of a divorce. Thank you so much for your prayers. I appreciate that very much, for myself and for H. who is in desperate need of them.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
