NY S, Thanks. I did take down that number. I really don’t want to go dark anymore. I need to talk to him and see what he has to say. And we need to discuss what we are going to do, how to proceed. I know a lot of us go into DB’ing in hopes that a waiting period will allow our spouses to figure things out and come to a point of wanting to work on the marriage, but I see now that my H. is not going to change his mind. He does not want to continue this marriage. Perhaps some of the reasons why will be part of what he wants to tell me in person.
Actually, NYS, I think the questions would haunt me more than the answers. I don’t expect that what he has to tell me is going to be easy to hear, but I need to hear it.
Spitfire, Thank you for your post. I want you to know that I will keep my head on straight and not let H. push me to do anything I don’t feel is in my benefit. You are right about things being difficult to work on when you are still being lied to. That’s exactly what happened to me. I think H. kept me hanging on just enough while he continued this other life behind everyone’s back, scrambling to figure out how to deal with it before it all blew up in his face. I don’t feel he spilled his story so much as I pushed him to tell me the truth, and we’ve been at this for so long now, he’d finally reached his limit on keeping the lies alive. I think he regrets it, telling me, but then again he seems to want to put it all out on the table now and I want to listen to what he has to say. I do know to be careful of what to believe at this point. The thing is, so much of what he’s said has not added up correctly, so I knew there were pieces of the story that he was not telling me. Perhaps he will fill in these pieces now. I agree about trying to horrify me as well. I think he sees my tenacity as a burden to him moving on. He wants me to let go of this and move on, so HE can. Again, selfish. But I have come to realize he does not want to be married anymore, so what is really the point of dragging this out any longer? I asked him how he thought he would ever be able to live with himself after what he had done. He said he didn’t know. He said he cannot look himself in the mirror. I believe that. I think he does feel very guilty but he knows he will not be happy if he comes back home, so he continues to not work things out with me. Thanks for reminding me of his personal issues. I feel so terrible about myself right now that I need others to remind me that this is his problem, and not mine. I hope you are right, spitfire. I don’t hate my H. but I do want him to remain pained with guilt over what he has done to MY life even after anything is legally signed. Putting a pen to paper isn’t going to make me feel any better; I hope it doesn’t help him, either. It is going to be so hard to begin all over again. As you said, we built a life together for 15 years and now it is coming to an end. The adjustment to that is going to be very hard for me. As I said before, I honestly believed he would come back in time. I really did. But I didn’t know that the other life he was keeping from me was as complicated as it is. I think about all he did, all he carried out, and lied about all this time. It is a wonder how he is even able to go to work and function. I couldn’t keep up with it all.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
