I am having such a terrible time... But it's been so much more complicated than I ever thought and he's continued to keep the façade going. Maybe when we meet to talk, I will finally get some real answers that make sense.
Doubt it. You'll likely probably get rocked some more. I ditto the "go dark" suggestion, for your own peace of mind. I hope you see that's your best course right now, rather than continuing to wish to talk to H.
You're also likely never to get closure from H, you have to get closure from yourself.
Naturally, you're going to wonder "who, when, how?" H may never be the one to satisfactorily answer all that, and a lot of it, believe it or not, isn't as important as you think. If you do get answers, even half-truths, the answers themselves could haunt you further.
What is so hard is letting all the dreams die
I think you phrased it absolutely spot on. You're fixated on a 'dream' of what was and what it could be, and not dealing with it only in terms of what H is really like, though you're getting there. You're wrestling with letting go of what is but a dream. Think about that. It's the dream you desire, it's the dream you love, not the reality of H.
Do consider the clinic I mentioned for a professional for you to talk it out with.
