I did speak to H. last night. He called me several times saying that he was sorry for getting into an argument with me; he said a lot of things in anger that were not true; he does not hate me, he hates himself. He said that we need to talk in person this weekend when he isn’t working, and he wants to tell me exactly what has been going on because there is a lot to talk about. The one thing he said was, “I want you to know that I have not been cheating on you with her for four years. I don’t want you to think that.” I don’t know what the truth is at this point about the child. We are way beyond “going dark” and such. It’s time for he and I to really talk about things. He did say that what he had to tell me was not going to change things between us. He is not coming back, and never intended to all this time. He said that I had dragged this out long enough; I corrected him and told him I did not know the truth, and had thought he was just going through a difficult time, and he had indicated on several occasions that he was still thinking about coming back. He realized that was true, that I had a distorted view of the situation because that’s what he’d chosen to tell me. I don’t want a divorce and he knows it but I know after 6 mo. of this that he doesn’t want this marriage. There is no convincing him, and asking him for time isn’t going to change his mind. I still love him but he does not return this feeling for me, and he just wants to move on with his life. I think at this point, it’s just best if I let him go because living this way, waiting for him when he isn’t going to come home, is no way to live. I know I could drag things out longer if and when he files (and he is going to), but after all this I think it’s better for me to maintain some self respect and just agree to divorce. I know what I am entitled to and will present H. with these things when we talk in person. If he is not agreeable, then I will tell him we cannot mediate and I will get an attorney. He either has to agree I will force him to have to. That’s basically it. I have to tell you all that I never thought that it would come to this for us. I believed that we would make it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
