My thoughts are with you as well. Please take care of yourself and know that we are here in any way we can be!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I’m holding my own. Talking to my sister today. She is helping me. I don’t know what to say without going into all of it, and I still need to speak to my H. again because there is a lot I don’t know yet. Basically he has been cheating on me for years. He believes he is the father of o.w.’s 3-year old. They had a fling that many years ago and she pretended the child was her H’s. Suddenly (and I don’t know why yet) she came to H. last year saying he is the father. He has not had a paternity test yet…I do not understand why. There is so much more to this and he still says he is in love with her even though they recently mutually decided to end their R. but he still contacts her because of this child. She is not asking for support financially, which also makes no sense. I believe she pushed to end her R. with my H. because he was cheating on her. He made a remark to me about his inability to stay with one person. He is not who I thought he was. Right now he is thinking, he said. He felt better for having told me about this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, I can't imagine how much this must hurt. It is my worst nightmare while ever my H is with OW especially if he keeps going for women in their 20s. I do believe that you can get past this but I understand that suddenly things have become so much harder. Infidelity is one thing another human being as a result of it is another. I am thinking of you
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I’ll try to type a little more. H. said that late last summer, he got o.w. pregnant again before he left to go away on a month long work related trip. I did not know this. He left thinking this was true. He told me she is not pregnant now, but miscarried when he got back. He had made sure she would have been taken care of w/life insurance if anything had happened to him while he was away. I find it very odd, the timing of this around his trip. That is of course if he is telling me the truth. I again asked him how he knew this was his; he said he did because this was when they were in their relationship. He said he did go to the dr. with her. I don’t know what to believe at this point. What I can’t help but wonder is how many others he’s been with. It’s very painful and overwhelming. I do not think there is any way I can be with him again. The strange thing is at the end of this conversation last night, I told him that he should go be with her, and do the right thing. He said he does not want to marry her. Their R. has ended. And, that he had a lot of thinking to do about us. I asked him if he felt better that he had told me the truth, and he said yes. (although earlier he was freaked out with what I was going to go do with this information).
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You may not think so right now but you can get through this. Don't forget all the strength you have gained over recent months. Do what you need to do for yourself and know we're all thinking of you.
Hope- I know that there are no words that can take away your pain and confusion. Just know that I am here if you need anything. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and thinking right now. But, you are very strong. And know that what your H has done in NO WAY reflects on you...this is not your fault. I know you, like me, have often felt like we are not good enough, etc. Banish those thoughts from your head. You are a wonderful person. And you will get through this. Be well. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for the support. The thing is it sounds like H. is just taking her word for it about all this. I do not understand that part. He obviously isn’t telling me the full story. I can’t tell you how many times I told him to go get a paternity test; find out. He said he knew he had to do that…but I’m wondering why it’s been nearly a year and he hasn’t done so yet? Apparently her H. is very angry and I think he must have recently found out or something, for H. to bring it up at all. She was getting a D. from him. But remember how I said I got the impression H. hadn’t been exclusive with o.w. either? Well that seems to be what has caused her to tell him she is no longer interested in a R. with him, and he mutually agreed, although he says he still has feelings for her. Seriously, my H. is screwed up. His life is over. I know I said I wouldn’t but right now I could go to a lawyer and he would be done. I don’t want to play that way but I am going to be firm in what I know I have rights to. I feel that I need to call him today and tell him we need to sit down together and talk in person. He realized last night after telling me all this that his time was up; he had to make a move soon. I told him that all this time I had thought he was just having a hard time at work, having a fling, etc. and I never realized the level of seriousness this had evolved to. I don’t know what will happen now. I feel very lost and scared. He is just not the person I thought I was sharing my life with. I really want him to find out for sure about the child and I do not understand why he hasn’t done this yet himself.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
If he doesn't have a paternity test he can still cling to the possibility it isn't his child. It allows him to stay in a bit of denial. Sure there is a chance that the kid isn't his and a paternity test will prove it. But at the same time, taking the test also runs the risk of proving he is the father. It may be too much for him to handle.
I see what you are saying, but it still doesn't make sense. She is divorcing her H. so I would think naturally that she would want proof that H. is the father so that he can begin to take some responsibility for this. I don't really understand.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
