Imdi,

Good of you to post and no apologies ever. Say whatever you want here, ok?

Just a thought...can you bring a kitty over to your place and keep her/him in your room? Would your aunt mind? I hate for you to be apart from them. I know I am very fortunate to be with my pets and I love them very much. The house isn't quite as lonely as it could be.

Yes, my H. has told me many times that he is depressed; this last time though, it seemed to be work-related. I think he's depressed over a lot of other things, but that's me looking in. I can't be sure of his real feelings.
I think in my case, H. tries very hard to convince me that he is totally fine with what he's doing. Yet, he has also indicated to me that there is guilt standing in the way of us being together. His guilt, over what he has done. Sometimes I believe he's really trying to convince himself and not me, that what he's doing is totally fine.
I'll tell you that last summer/early fall, when things with him and o.w. were so marvelous, THAT is when he seemed to project that he was completely comfortable with what he was doing. I saw no regret or guilt back then. He was charging through his life at a breakneck speed, totally high on his freedom, his affair, and being out of this house. It's only been more recently that I see and hear the confusion. Oh, don't get me wrong, our conversations this week were not good. Him telling me he wants a single lifestyle, no commitments with anyone, etc. Yeah ok. But he's not running about like the Energizer bunny he was last summer. I tell you, the man acted like he was on speed or something. I'd never seen him like that before! He's not the same way now.

I am VERY tired of living this way, Imdi. The pain lessens some days, and others it is right up in my throat, choking me. Some days, I want to be out and about doing fun things, other days, just a nap and some tea. I'm definitely on the rollercoaster of emotions.

All I can do now (and it's hard) is to try to live my life as happily as I possibly can, and let H. figure out that it isn't all it's cracked up to be, living alone and being "single". I keep thinking someday he's going to be 50 and look back at this time in his life and say, "Good grief. What was I thinking, behaving that way when I had Hope and a wonderful life, the whole package?"

Happy snow, Imdi.

Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.