Ebb & Flow

[hopefloats7]

Now I will post my update; I spoke w/H. this afternoon.

(warning: the following contains selfish WAS mind speak of an extreme nature)

H. was getting ready to head out to work. A little small talk at first.
Then I began:
Me: “I wanted to tell you that I understand and support your decision not to come back home right now. I also realize I contributed to some of the things that made you unhappy and I am sorry you felt that way. I also know that I understand that the circumstances of our daily life together would have to change if we could ever be together in the future, and I am working on these changes.”
He listened, and said something about us going in different directions. His life was moving in a different direction than mine.
I validated, and asked him if he could tell me more.
He said how he saw me as wanting to fix our R., but he was trying to pick up the pieces and move on. He did make mention of him feeling like he could not get past what he did. More discussion, and he said that right now he didn’t want a serious relationship, with anybody.
I said, “So what you’re saying is that you just want to be alone, live a single lifestyle, and not be serious with anyone?”
He said, “Right.”
And I said, “And to come back home right now would be to get back into a serious relationship, which you don’t want right now.”
He said, “Right.”
Ok. I told him I understood this and respected his wishes. But I would like to keep in touch with him and perhaps down the road, as he saw more changes for the better between us, he would be open to seeing how things could go.
He said, “Oh, down the road, yeah.” He said this in a tone that indicated this was obvious to him.
I told him I missed his friendship; he said that he calls me to talk, and see how things are going, etc. I think he was trying to say he felt the same, but it must be hard for him, because too much can make him think he’s leading me on.
We talked a little longer, and I was really great at validating today; no matter what he said I told him I understood his feelings, and I respected his choices.
To sum it up, this is primarily what my H. would like (and he outright agreed I understood him correctly):
H. doesn’t want to come back right now. He wants to live a single lifestyle; no serious relationships with anyone. Meanwhile, he still wants a connection with me, just not a commitment. However, he is very open to slowly letting the changes in our R. unfold, and believes it’s possible that down the road this could be what he wants. He told me he does still care about me. He doesn’t want to sell the house because I think he feels he might be back someday…but that could take a while.

And so this is where we’re at. And his words from Jan. come back to me, when he told me that what he was looking for in a R. right now didn’t require a lot of trust. This is horrid to type, but I think he just wants to screw around. He is rebelling and revolting and more reason why I feel he is going through some kind of crisis.

So my choices are to throw in the towel on him and move on 100%, or, move on as much as possible while still being legally married to a man in crisis mode, because I won’t date anyone if we stay married and live apart for a while. I have a lot of friends, but this could still be a very lonely time for me.