He said, "Yes. And I was unhappy for years." (he's still claiming this even though it did not show for years)
It may not have been apparent to you, or he may have buried it, but let's not negate that he feels he was unhappy for years, which is very valid and real for him.
I specifically mentioned some things that I felt would be important for the both of us if we were going to give things a try.
Yet, right now, he's really not interested in "giving it a try". He listened to you, and he may have liked some of the things you proposed, but it's not your words that will influence him back. he has no assurance that things wouldn't go back to being the same; he also may feel that you haven't made all the changes he'd like; he may also think that you're just doing this so that he'll come back; and he's not yet finished his little quest to find out "what's out there".
Trying to show H. that I've worked on myself and made positive changes doesn't even seem to register with him.
What are these changes you speak of? Inquiring minds want to know.
I read in your posts the same essence I've read since the start, that you pursue and that you focus on him and assume a lot of what he's thinking and feeling. You also still have expectations ("I am disappointed that he did not call to apologize or that the things he did were what was bothering him"). And you're therefore still getting the same results: everytime time you pursue, he says, "I'm not coming back". You're still trying to influence your H with reason, and that doesn't work.
Instead of feeding him thoughts to reason on, you have to change the circumstances in order for him to do a double take and influence him back.
You change the circumstances by GAL and backing off. In time, and time is the key word here, you're presenting a new person to the WAS, a person that attracts them. In time, they may also find that the answer they were seeking doesn't exist in reality as much as it exists in their imagination, and it may make them think.
If you are making changes, changes take time to root and become second nature. And they take time to be seen by the WAS as real, genuine, consistent and likely to be permanent. You're not there yet. You're still clinging on and trying to feed him reasons to reconsider (which constitutes pursuit).
Pursuit is an ineffective way to try and 'save" a relationship, if you haven't yet figured that out. Not only does it "push" the partner away, but it causes you emotional stress. Your H senses the pursuit as trying to rail him in and can feel pushed into a corner, and so, react by seeking more ways to flee. And so he tells you over and over again "I'm not coming back", because he senses your pursuit. All your reasoning to him, though seeming logical and balanced to you, is all seen by him as you asking for a second chance. And in return, he's going to discourage you from thinking it has any effect, and that will just throw you into the dumps. And over and over and over again.
I am not perfect believe me, but I just can't see what awful, terrible things happened that I caused that have caused memories that keep him from trying. If anything, it's the lying and cheating that went on by HIM that are the bad memories.
Well, you each have your story to tell. Maybe the thing to do is to ask him what he deemed made him so unhappy in the relationship. If you do that, you can't be defensive, rationalize it away, get emotional or turn it into a talk about coming back. If he talks, then it's because you've told him you want to hear it, so just listen and take notes. Whether his hurts are real or imagined, they're hurts. Perhaps a way of getting that talk started is to approach it by saying something like, "I know I played a part in making you unhappy, and I'd like to know what that was, because I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again, whether it's with you if you ever decided to come back, or someone new. Can you help me with that?"
I'm going to haphazard a guess that he didn't feel "free" in the relationship. Start there.
I feel like I need to act now, do something, before he actually gets his own apt. or hooks up with another o.w. This feels like a window of opportunity.
Well, you did act on it.
Most times, we feel we need to "do something". Sometimes it's helpful if we do (if we do the right some thing), but many times it's just a feeling, we needn't do anything. Especially since it's out of our control anyway, it has to do with the WAS and what they feel they need to do, not us. Point in fact is that if this was a window of opportunity, he sure didn't make any sounds of coming back or reconsidering, so it's safe to say that there isn't a window of opportunity here regarding that. I'd think the opportunity that's present is one of permitting contact time since there isn't an OW to occupy his leisure time right now. So, make the best use of the contact time.
I'm not suggesting that you increase the contacts or initiate the contacts, OK? Look at it this way: H's going to have some alone time now maybe, and it's that being alone that may work on him most effectively. This is what you wanted to see happen some time ago, isn't it? Alone time where now his thoughts start to reflect inward possibly. Well, don't you disturb that process now! Give him space now so that his thoughts reflect, let his loneliness compel him to call you. get back on that track and don't return every call, take a few hours or days to return the ones you do return, don't pursue, GAL, detach (go out to some comedy clubs and laugh it up a bit, volunteer somewhere, find your center... you've become too dependent on him, as I see your sense of worth are based on him, which may also be a determining factor of why you want him back so), when he comes over to visit, be in the process of dressing up to go out and not have time for him all the time... let him feel his aloneness to the max, let him feel he doesn't have OW, he doesn't have you. I think THAT's what your opportunity is right at this moment.
You may or may not see the results you want, or in the time factor you'd like to see them, so now is also a good opportunity for you to practice detachment, seek out more interests in your own life, and stop this merry-go-round you're on.
And this attitude makes me feel very devalued as his wife. Wasn't I worth working on the marriage for? He doesn't seem to be afraid of losing me, which makes me feel that he doesn't think I'm very desirable as a person to be with, spend time with and create a R. with. It seems he's on the search now for someone better.
Sweetie, what he's done and what he's doing is not a value judgment about you. It's ALL about him. All you did was whatever behaviors influenced him in the past, how he decided to work that out is all about him. Heck, not one of us is wonderful 24/7 and I often wonder how anyone is worthy enough to be in a relationship... but we are, some more than others, and some plain aren't, but whatever part you played, it didn't make you a bad person. The behaviors are the things to change. Continue to focus on that, not on this assumed rejection. He's not rejecting you, really, though you feel that way. He's rejected the stuff he didn't like that he associates with you (which is why I'm telling you one changes the *circumstances* in re-attracting a WAS). It's good that he's finally done that, in the sense that now the problems that were in the relationship can be finally exposed, and that can be very constructive if you take that opportunity (it's the way he went about it is that's destructive, but that's the part that's all about him).
